How Do You All Deal with Obsessions? What works?

slippednfell

Hello again, this is my second post, and I am thankful that this forum exists for those of us new to this to learn from those of you that have already been through it.

My husband met a guy while getting the oil on our truck changed.  Both are retired from military service.  The man he met invited my husband to his VFW chapter for the dinners they have twice a week.  Well, my husband got the location wrong, and I thought that was the end of it since he failed to get the man's phone number.  Boy! Was I wrong!  This was two weeks ago, and it has become such an obsession that it baffles me.

So, he got the place wrong... he may even have the night(s) wrong as well.  He called a contact that has an ad in the paper announcing their get togethers, which happen to be breakfasts twice a week.  Then he got where the one in another town near us is.  He insisted on stopping there one day while we were in that area only to find that they only do coffee for two hours, twice a week.  

Tonight, is one of the "dinner" nights and we went to where he told me the location is.  No one there.  Then he wanted to go to the one that said coffee 10 - 12 Mon & Fri ... I indulged him and we went there, as no explaining would do.  Nope... no one there either.  He thought another town near us might be right... so, we went to where the community center is there, and no one was there either.  

I have left out that he wanted to drive around and look for the guy he met.  He wanted to drive down to where he met the guy and ask them for a phone number for the guy (who was just another customer) and now he wants to drive to the VA Advocate's office to ask him about it.  It is approaching a stalking scenario at this point.  He won't let it go and indulging him isn't doing any good.  What can I do to get him "just let it go"?

We live in a tiny community with tiny towns around us and a few, extremely small "cities" of less than 3K residents.  I literally drove for about two hours trying to satisfy DH and he is still obsessing on it.

1962ART

Dear Slipped:  When my husband gets obsessive like this, my daughter and I use the code, "Dad's spinning." Kind of like a merry-go-round wheel he just can't get off.  

You have been so kind to help him with this.  I would look up your county Veteran's Office that might be able to provide you with a list of VFW meeting times and places in the area, or try an Internet search if you still have the energy.

Tomorrow, your husband may still remember the VFW meetings, but not remember that you visited any venues.  Draw a map of your area and plot what you found out about each VFW post--times they meet, etc. etc.  Engage him with the map and all the data, town names, etc. Thank him for tidbits he remembers that you can write down.

To give yourself some time to do a little more research, try telling him that the groups are still on summer schedule and they will start up in the fall, sometime after Labor Day.  (You pick what's best.). That's why you have not been able to connect.

My two cents:  These meetings might be a time when you would have some space as a caregiver.  Would he be OK with you dropping him off at a meeting and returning in an hour?  A night meeting would not be a good idea, but maybe a lunch one or coffee one?  Again, he is stuck on this one particular meeting suggested by one veteran.  Try to ease him off that fixation.  "Let's try the one in Mapleton and I'll go to the yarn shop while you have coffee. Who knows?  You may meet the guy there?"  My hubby joined a service club (he can drive that far without me.)  They have lunch once a week and he just loves it.  Of course, they want him to be an officer.  I nixed that and got a lot of push back, but there is no way he could do that.

When my husband grabs the phone or computer to "track something down," I get really anxious and embarrassed for him and me.  I try to let that go and let the person on the other end deal with him.  Saves me having to be the "bad guy."

I deal with this a lot and I am sure others do too.  Keep us posted on your progress.  We care.

Rick4407

Hello Slipped, you may find that this is just the first of many strange behaviors that your DH is going to have.   They will seem to last forever but actually come and go being replaced by others.  There are several things that I will recommend and I have found helpful.  Others may offer advice to what has helped them.  

You can probably google to find a contact for the local VFW.   

As a retired military guy he is entitled to VA care. You will need to pursue that VA care entitlement and become an expert in pursuing the various benefits.  In KY the VA operates several "homes" that will take vets when/if that time comes.  The VA will have a VSO, as does the VFW.  This is a Veteran Service Officer, they are specifically hired to help you maneuver the VA bureaucracy.  It is a free service.  In KY the state also has a state run Veterans Office staffed to provide assistance, again a free service.   There are small financial items A&A (Aid & Attendance), as well as, treatment and medication benefits.  With his current insurance, I presume TFL (Tricare for Life), you may not need many of the VA medical benefits.   The A&A is small but also easy, one form you start and the Neurologist completes and signs.    

I would guess you have established a relationship with a neurologist to obtain the diagnosis.  In many cases the neurologist will not be your primary helper.  As there is no treatment, they will usually only see your DH once every 6 months.  In my case the Neurologist has a Nurse Practitioner  (NP) who will prescribe meds to treat the symptoms.   I have a good relationship with her via email and phone when things start going south.    Sometimes people use a geriatric psychiatrist for behavior meds.

There are several legal issues you need to address as soon as is practical.  Others will comment.   

This is a very, very difficult road, sorry you are here but this forum will help.  Rick

DrinaJGB

The damage might be affecting either the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC) or anterior cingulate cortex (ACC)---both which are involved with OCD.or Obsessive Compulsive Behavior which is an anxiety disroder. SOem medications might help with this, however, in someone with dementia it may do more harm than good.

slippednfell

1962ART

Thank you so much for your reply.  Those are all excellent suggestions and I agree that it would give me some time to myself if I can drop him off and pick him up.  The suggestions for stalling a little bit are excellent!  I never would've thought of that.

I do plan to contact the county Veterans Advocate to see if he might have a list of "chapters".  The map idea is also excellent!  A good interactive activity that will benefit him.

slippednfell

Rick4407

Thank you so much for the guidance!

We have met with the VSO (I call him the Veterans Advocate).  He is rather new and was being trained when we met with him.  My DH's Alzheimer's wasn't all that bad at the time.  We are in AR and were told about two homes that are free of charge to him when the time comes.

Insurance wise, he is rated 80% disabled so they give him the benefits of 100% disabled.  We don't pay anything for his meds, doctor appointments, etc.  We are very fortunate in that regard.  I don't think they pay for home aids, but I will be looking into that.  They do cover respite care.

We did all the typical legal documents two years ago, so I think we are all set in that regard.

I do need to get better acquainted with the VA system itself and working through red tape to get as many benefits as possible.  I am not at all familiar with Aid and Assistance.  

We went to a Neuropsychologist for testing and diagnosis.  Since then, we saw one neurologist that was horrible, and we have an appointment with a different one in about 4 weeks.

I have an excellent relationship with is PCP and hope to have the same type of relationship with this new neurologist.  

Thank you so much for the advice and guidance.  I appreciate it very much.  

Iris L.

slippednfell wrote:

My husband met a guy while getting the oil on our truck changed.  

Did this really happen? Did you see the man?  Could the man have been talking about something else and your DH imagined it was about the VFW?  

Iris L.

JoseyWales

I have no real advice for you, but wanted to share that DH did the same sort of thing. We too live in a rural area surrounded by several small towns. I drove several days looking some big concert he'd heard about. He wanted me to stop and ask people on the street. In fact he DID ask people at Walmart where the concert was. Of course, no one knew. 

I started to use tactics like "I heard about it on the radio, it's next weekend" and "They had to cancel it because" insert excuse of the day.

slippednfell

Hi Iris L

No, I didn't see it.  My DH is still capable of driving short distances and has been so good about allowing me to drive further distances that I gave him a list and sent him to the shop.  Due to the details he gave me, I am certain he spoke to another vet but I am totally openminded to the fact that he messed up dates, locations, times, maybe it is breakfasts they meet for and not dinner.  If only he had though to ask for the guy's phone number. 

I kept hoping it would pass and he would just let it be but it is clear he means to find this post and I will contact the County Service Office for info.

slippednfell

Oh, Josey!  What great advice!  I will definitely keep it in mind for any other events he tries to "find".  Since this isn't just a one-time event but twice weekly occurrence that does happen with other posts, I don't think it will work in this case.  

You guys have come up with some really great ways to divert issues!  I guess I really need to be more imaginative.

It is nice that you understand the challenges of the very small town issues.  We wanted remote when we moved here.  We still prefer being remote but there are times when it is a hinderance.