Causing a scene

Lizzielou

Hi again.  I posted today about the telephone and now I have another concern.  I didn’t want to leave him home alone so I took him to the grocery store where I could keep an eye on him while I shopped.  He made a huge scene at the check stand because the groceries were not bagged the way he wanted them, yelled and called me names and told me to shut up.    So I guess I can’t take him with me anymore.  He refuses to see a doctor so we have no diagnosis, refuses to wear his hearing aids and refuses to behave when interacting with other people.  This is all so new to me I’m unsure what to do.

Quilting brings calm

Lizzie… I can’t find your original post of the three you’ve made so far. So I’m not familiar with your situation except for today’s posts.  That being said… you need to immediately call his doctors.  Report that he is a danger to himself or others and needs a psych evaluation.  If he has no doctors, then call 911.  

It’s not practical for you to be in the same room with him awake, 24/7 to monitor his phone usage.  You certainly can’t leave him at home alone while you run errands. What happens if he leaves your home and accosts a neighbor? Right now you are getting verbal abuse and threats.  It could soon be physical abuse. If there are guns in the home, hide them uvt you can get rid of them, 

Do you have anything set up to be able to handle bank accounts, finances, etc?  A visit to an elderly care attorney is often advised here. Does he have a will?  Will he grant you financial or medical power of attorney? 

You are in the right place here to ask questions, vent, and get support. 

Paris20

Your husband needs to see a doctor, not only for a diagnosis but also for medication and for ruling out other causes for his behavior. I understand he refuses, so some creative lying is in order. When your husband’s psychological and physical well-being are threatened, you need to do what’s right. He likely cannot figure out what the right thing is because he cannot process the idea that he may be ill. My husband has been that way from the very beginning. Therefore, I have made up stories to account for my doing things that, if I asked him, he would definitely reject. 

If you have a family doctor, you can try to set up an appointment. Either talk to the doctor beforehand or write to him/her any way you can explaining the situation. You can tell your husband that you need to see the doctor and you’d like him to come with you. Just make something up to get him in the door. I did that with my husband during a yearly physical. Then we got the referral to a neurologist.

If your husband has dementia, you will not be able to reason with him. It not only wastes time but it is useless because his brain can no longer process information properly. You have to work around the negativity and the anasognosia, which isn’t denial but rather an inability to understand his condition. You are now in charge. It takes emotional and sometimes physical strength but those of us who post here are amazed by what we can do. And don’t let him drive!

Lorita

Hi Lizzie,

 I remember something on this order with Charles.  He loved to go to the grocery store and when we'd get to the check-out counter and the clerk put the groceries in the bag - Charles would sometimes take them out of the sack and put them in the cart.  I'd stop him and he never rebelled or said anything.  The clerk understood.  People understand more than we think they do.  There are very few families that don't have someone in their family with alz. or they know someone who has it. 

 Do you have someone who could stay with him when you go to the grocery store - or can you have your groceries delivered?  Good luck - it's a problem.

Buggsroo

My husband has no filters. He imitates Chinese people speaking, yells and screams etc. The worse thing if some person wanders in front of him and happens to be overweight; god help them. He lets them have it calling them horrible names. I just want the earth to swallow me up. 

I tell him to be quiet and stop acting up. It works to a certain degree. 

In your case, I honestly think you need to get your husband to a doctor and get the wheels in motion. He may need meds for agression and memory.

Good luck, it isn’t an easy road ahead.

slippednfell

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I agree with others about getting him to a doctor one way or another.

My DH had one outburst in a hardware store.  Then in a restaurant when asked what he would be ordering and he said PBJ in a nasty way.  I immediately apologized to the waiter and outted my DH this time.  I explained he has Alzheimer's.  The waiter was receptive and understanding.  I then told my husband he cost us money as now the waiter was going to get an above and beyond tip.  When we got home, he told me that I didn't need to tell everyone about his ALZ and I replied that I won't if I don't have a reason to.  He has been great, so far, since then.   

I don't expect that to work for you, but you just never know what might help.

I also use the free Pick Up option at Walmart to get my groceries.  I order online as I run out of items and when I'm ready, submit the order and schedule a time to pick it up.  I park in the pick up area and someone comes out with my groceries and load them.  I would recommend it to anyone.  The quality of the meats and produce is fantastic almost all of the time.

I wish you much luck.

JDancer

You might want to make some cards that explain your LO has dementia and can act inappropriately. These cards can be handed  to people in public places.

Rescue mom

As for causing a scene in public, I’ve always found that people are very understanding if you can quickly whisper, or you mouth, “Alzheimer’s” when he looks away.

But your 2 cases seem to involve more violence and threat than just embarrassment. In the other  situation, police were involved, if I remember right. I also recommend getting him to a doctor for meds, or calling 9-1-1 if he’s acting out at home. They may take him to the hospital where he can get help. There are meds that can help a lot with this. 

They quickly reach a point where you cannot reason with them, cannot”remind” them enough. Their brains are broken. Reasoning does not work, and they don’t remember what they were told 30 seconds ago.

Maybe you can tell him there’s  a new Medicare or insurance requirement to see the doctors. Maybe tell him a doctors visit is now required to do somethnig/whatever he likes doing. Then get a note to the doctor first, explaining the problem. But if he continues to threaten and frighten others, so cops are involved, that opens a world of trouble. Not to mention the danger to yourself.

June45

JDancer wrote:

You might want to make some cards that explain your LO has dementia and can act inappropriately. These cards can be handed  to people in public places.

Great idea.  You can find cards already pre-worded but a while back I created my own cards by using an empty business card template in Word. I attached an example.  You can create your own message and copy and paste it in the template.  I don't use them often but it does come in handy on occasion.

1962ART

All these ideas are super and I appreciate everyone who posted.

My DH's reaction to everything is, "No."  So, as everyone has suggested, work arounds are in order.  I might wait a day or two to ask again.  I may reconsider the time of day in terms of when I am asking.  Is he feeling OK or is this a bad day to suggest something new.

Sometimes he will inform me that he will not see a new doctor.  Fine.  Employ strategies given above.  Then, the next time, I will say, "That doctor's office is near ... (a favorite restaurant, sporting goods store--all precovid, of course.). I tell him after we see the doctor we'll be in that neighborhood anyway so let's drop by or go eat there or take a drive that he likes.  Whatever it takes.

It's exhausting, but I enjoy those outings too and if a doctor's visit is thrown in, so be it.

I don't think he's refusing to behave, I think he can't do it because of what his brain tells him.  Medication, even from a primary physician, can help get you through the time it takes to get in to see a specialist and get a diagnosis--which often changes as time goes by.  When we moved, I requested some anti-depressants to get him through the upheaval.  Of course, he said he wouldn't take them.  We got them and again, the explaining, "I know you don't want to move.  I don't either, but we will be near a metropolitan area where we can both get the medical help we need.  You know I take anti-depressants because of who I am and your doctor and I just want you to try them.  After a couple of weeks, we can tell if they will work or not."  By the end of a couple of weeks, taking the pill is just routine.

CStrope

I think we've all had these encounters and the first one is such a shock to have to deal with.  My first temper tantrum with my DH was at a little restaurant out in the country that we like to go to for fish.  One week, it was very quiet and service was super fast.  The next week they were very busy and we had to wait a bit.  Not only was he very loud about his displeasure in waiting for our food, but after I asked him to stop complaining, then the verbal abuse towards me started.  It was extremely embarrassing and an insight into what I could expect in the future.  I think I'll be making little "Alzheimer's" cards to carry with me.