Over it.

cpyle619

Hello All, well today was a banner day. It is my mother's 81st birthday and her first in MC (moved from her IL apartment in a CC community in April this year). She's been mad as a hornet since her move. She's high functioning with great language ability still. I had sent her a locally made, beautiful birthday basket (I'm 4.5 hours away), my uncle, her brother, sent her flowers. So I get a call from the unit expecting to hear how much she enjoyed it. Nope, she says she's called an attorney, is removing me as DPOA and is having me arrested for taking her "things".  She wants the entire contents of her 3 BR apartment delivered to MC and all of her jewelry that is in a deposit box. I have until Tuesday (her deadline) for it to be delivered or she's calling the police. Sigh.  Her apartment is empty of course. Most of her furniture and clothing that weren't sent to MC were donated to the facility and a charity. This was months ago. Some how she still has the ability to cut me to the bone with her hateful tone. She's always had it (hidden from most) but ALZ has removed the filters. 

My first reaction was anger. No-one else has lifted a finger to help her on this journey. She's driven everyone away. My dad died 15 years ago and she's been living large since then. I know tomorrow she won't remember today, but she'll somehow still remember to blame me for everything she doesn't like. I'm tired of being the whipping post. Sorry to complain, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Fingers crossed tomorrow will be better. 

abc123

I’m really sorry she’s so darn difficult! This disease is bad enough already. I’m very fortunate my PWD is not mean. But my dad does cause a lot of grief. It seems like it’s always something!

Palmetto Peg

I dealt with the same issue when my mother was suffering from dementia.  She fell and broke her hip, and it was clear she could never live alone again.  I went to her home while she was in rehab, packed up what we were taking with her, donated the rest, and basically had the worst week of my life.  I then put her on a plane with me, and moved her from Iowa to New Jersey to a lovely AL facility.  She was never very nice, but after the move she was brutal.  I lived a few minutes away and tried to see her at least 3 times a week, hoping it would help her adjust.  All I got was complaints, criticism, and abuse.  The worse her mental condition got, the meaner she got.  She called me fat, stupid, lazy, and everything in between.  I got a call from her facility one morning that she was having dizzy spells and they thought I should come and see her.  I did - and tried to make her comfortable and see if I could help.  I asked her if there was anything I could do - and she said to me - "yes - you can go the hell home!"  So I did - and you guessed it - she died that night!  I still feel the sting of her hateful words, and likely always will.  I know it was partly her personality and mostly the illness, but wow - it hurts!  Try to stay dispassionate and be glad you are a few hours away.  You are a good person to care enough to have it hurt!

My husband is now in the beginning stages of dementia, and I pray that he does not do the same thing my mother did.  I don't know if I could survive more years of that constant verbal abuse.  Be kind to yourself!!!!

EJ97

Oh gosh, cpyle619.  It sounds familiar. After I moved my 87 year old mom from a very sub par memory unit to a nice group home three years ago, I got a call that mom was really mad and agitated. I left work and when I got there tried to hug her and she pulled away and was really mad at me. Yeah, it's the disease and you tell yourself that, but it still hurts because it is another reminder that it's your mom but not your mom. So you struggle with the loss and the situation and you can't talk to the person who may have given you advice. I have been the only one of my siblings involved and overseeing her care. The nurse would occasionally give mom a very low dose of Xanax and that helped and was only for about a month or two. One of the problems is that mom was not sleeping. Up all day and night, very agitated. A very low dose of Seroquel helped and eventually she went off that. The prior MC unit recommended Buspar and Namenda and both had a horrible effects on mom so I stopped that. She is sensitive to most medications. You have to be careful with some of those psychotropics. I wish you the best and am so sorry you are going through this. This phase will pass.

sjohnson

cpyle,

So sorry you have to go through that!  It is an awful feeling.  My mom blamed me for everything at first.  She would tell me how I abandoned her.  When talking to her on the phone, I would tell her that I saved everything and that she still had all her money and that I loved her.  Her response was that there must be a man standing behind me with a gun making me say all that.  She became aggressive with the staff-hitting, kicking, throwing things, yelling.  Finally got her on the right meds and she is much calmer and nicer.  Like young children, our LO with dementia don't have much that they can be in control of so they take it out on the ones that they feel closest to and safest with.  Unfortunately, even though I knew that in my head, it was very hard to believe it in my heart.  

Are you able to set up some boundaries?  The facility asked me to step back for awhile because I seemed to be a trigger for my mom.  It was incredible hard; but at the same time, I had a sense of relief.  So for about three weeks, I didn't talk to my mom or visit.  The staff called me with updates and if they needed anything.  My mom was able to adjust to being in the skilled nursing and now is doing well. 

Give yourself breaks.  The abuse is not easy.  Your mom is in a safe place and being cared for.  Only do as much as you can handle and leave the rest to the professionals!  Hang in there.  I am not going to say it gets easier; but you do learn to adjust.    

mommyandme (m&m)

Wow, do I feel your pain!  It’s been a rough few weeks for me and am so “over it”!  

Few days ago I went into moms room for our morning wake up ritual, and she says “I don’t think I like you.”  My response, “well I don’t think I like you either”. That’s how our day started, didn’t get better from there.  (I know, my bad, but at that moment, meh.) 

When a new behavior or issue arises it takes me a minute to adjust.  My first reaction seems to be frustration cause yesterday this wasn’t a problem, so c’mon mom… get it together.  Then I realize, sometimes sooner than later, that it’s me that needs to get it together.  Fortunately what I’ve learned from this forum has helped me get it together, profoundly. 

This is so hard.  I can feel the toll it’s taking on me, in a sort of undefinable way.  

Thank you, to all the kind souls that share here, from the bottom of my heart. 

Lindsay22

I have heard people here say "it's the disease talking" and while that may be true that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  Also, I think with mothers and daughters there is SO MUCH STUFF no matter how good or rocky your relationship was before.  It's just a lot. It's hard to process that this is how it ends, with her being mentally gone and me just having to hold all the history between us, good and bad. It's been helpful to me to know I'm not alone in this, hopeful we can help you too.

Mlewis501

Many of us have felt exactly like you do!  My mom got very mean.  At first she directed it all at my father.  She often would hit or throw things at him.  For about a year after she started getting very bad and mistreating my dad, she was ok with me.  She saw me as her caregiver and would often listen to  me when she wouldn't listen to my dad.  This was during the stage where she "shadowed" me.  In other words, she wanted to be near and with me at all times.  She then got where she couldn't understand why I had to go to work or leave her for any reason.... she just wanted me with her.  At that time, it changed and she became very aggressive and mean with me.  It just kept getting so bad that for my dads safety I had to put her in memory care.  I think the most hurtful part for me was that around others, she would act nice. When it was just us, she was just down-right mean - verbally and physically.  Another year has passed and now she doesn't recognize me and has very limited vocabulary left.  I think when I am with her now, she knows me as "her person" but no longer has the energy to be mean.  At times now I wish for glimpses of her meanness.... it is so hard to now just see her laying in bed still  This disease is AWFUL.... guilt on the caregiver no matter what stage.... suffering for the person who is sick... it's a no win situation.

cpyle619

Palmetto Peg,

It all sounds so familiar. I'm so sorry. These wild swings of personality were so well hidden outside of the family. Now it all gets blamed on dementia. In my opinion, dementia just took the filters off and now we see the real person who forgets to be nice or even polite. I received another call from her today (the staff dials for her). She was a bit nicer, for a little bit, but ended up threatening me with being arrested for stealing all of her stuff again. Sigh. 

Thank you again for your encouragement. Sending you hugs and prayers that your husband will be sweet and kind along his journey. 

cpyle619

Thank you EJ97! Her doctor and the MC unit are working together to try medications to help calm these rages. So far, nothing seems to help much. She's a tough one. Her verbal ability is unfazed at this point, so she's very intimidating. Thank you for your kind words. Hoping the anger end soon!

cpyle619

thank you sjohnson for your reply. I have stepped back. I haven't visited for a while and I haven't called. I know it will get better. I'm glad to hear your mom is doing better now. I appreciate the support. A burden shared is always easier.

cpyle619

Mlewis, I do understand the longing for even bad behavior from a loved one going through a terrible disease. My dad suffered for a year with a brain tumor. Always the sweet, loving, kind person, he never became mean, just faded away a little more each day. I remember longing just to hear his voice when he because unable to speak. Thanks for your understanding.  I wish  you peace.

cpyle619

I appreciate it Lindsay. And you're right, it sucks that we can't solve the issues between us. Just actually writing and reading these posts helps a ton.

cbmo

Over.It. - Says it all. Exactly how we have been feeling. 

Things really escalated following my moms last doctor appointment a couple of months ago. While at her most recent appointment a few weeks ago, we had my husband remove her car from the garage. (We had 3 failed attempts of getting her to stop driving --- took the keys and she had new ones made, unhooked the battery and she had someone come reconnect, we finally knew we had to get it out of the garage completely). She has been mean and hateful ever since. 

She is 78 and refuses to move out of her house -- we finally insisted on a caregiver coming in 4 days a week for 4 hours at a time. Every day my sister and I get texts about how much she hates us and wished she never had kids. Told us we are not allowed to call her Mom. Tells us to "GO TO HELL" and has now started addressing us as "Bitches." We wake up to texts and they continue well into the evening. Every. Single. Day.

We understand its the disease, but man it can wear a person down. I feel fortunate that my sister and I can lean on each other but this feels like it will never end. Since the anger started, it actually seems as her physical abilities have improved. Feels like we are in for years of being told what horrible daughters we are.