Seems like progress

Suzy23

Hi all,

My dad is 77 and was diagnosed with bvFTD in Jan. 2021. He and my mom (age 76) live 850 miles away from me. She seems OK cognitively, but has always had a lot of anxiety and now she has trouble walking  -- I assume it's arthritis (she hasn't seen a dr. herself in probably 35 years).

My dad was acting odd for at least a couple of years beforehand, and it took me a year to convince my mom to have him tested by a neurologist, and another few months to find the right one to get a diagnosis. During that time, I got them to redo their wills, DPOA, health care proxy, etc. Thank goodness. I have since taken over their finances. My dad had made a few crazy decisions there. Still some things to do on that. It was also really tough to convince my mom that he had to stop driving. He was not at all pleased about having finances or driving taken from him. 

They have a large piece of land and an old house with stairs. Plus two dogs (9 and almost 13) who have the run of the place. They do have a couple of college kid helpers finally, not full time but it still helps a lot. Once they graduate, the situation will be grim so I felt like I had to tackle it.

I visit 3 times per year and have been trying to convince them to move nearer to me. Up until my recent visit, they deemed it unthinkable and impossible-- they love their home and property. I just got back from a visit and my mom is now open to it. She agrees that it's only a matter of time before a crisis happens either with him or her (say a fall and having to go to the hospital/rehab)  and she won't be able to cope. 

He is entirely opposed and angry about it. She wants to tell him that I will be furious if they don't agree, which is weird to make me the bad guy, but I guess whatever works.

Ideally, they would go into an assisted living place with levels of care, and I have toured a couple near me that seem close to perfect and even allow pets. But they don't allow fencing and my mom and dad can't really walk the dogs anymore. I could maybe take one of their dogs, but the other one is aggressive and would definitely attack my own smaller dog. They will not consider rehoming the dogs.

She is only willing to consider this if I do everything -- find the right house really near me, one floor, fenced yard for the dogs, arrange all the packing, helping on selling their current home, and the move. 

She is worried that it will cause a decline for my dad (seems possible) but it seems to me that it would only make it worse to delay things.

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm hoping for here. It sometimes seems like such a gargantuan effort to make progress and as soon as I do, it just opens up 1,000 more issues to tackle. I do have a brother who lives even farther away, he says he would be willing to help in some way but my mom is opposed to it. 

I keep trying to plan for what the next few years may bring, instead of for today. 

loveskitties

Hi Suzy23,

You are right to be concerned, particularly since they have no real support system and are so far away.  It is good that you  have the legal things in order.

The thing to remember, things will not get better...ever.  This disease can change moment to moment.   Some folks stay in one stage for long periods of time and others exhibit changes very rapidly.  There are no hard and fast rules with this disease, except that it will get worse.  While a decline may occur with a move, some actually see improvement once the settling-in to the new place occurs.

For all of us, overruling our parents is a foreign concept.  However, there comes a time when they are no longer able to make good decisions regarding their health and safety, so we have to take on the new role of "parent".

While pest are important to us all, they cannot be the determining factor in how or when to make changes.  As much as we consider them family, it comes down to just another tough decision to make.

Trying to reason with someone with dementia is not possible.  Their brain is broken.  

I don't know about your area, but where I live there is about a year long waiting list to get placement in assisted living facilities.  You need to check so that you can add the time factor into your plans.

Move forward with you plans on relocating them, even over you dad's objections.  Without a plan, you will only feel helpless and hopeless.  Also realize that a plan B is also needed as to what needs to be done if the crisis occurs before relocation is accomplished.

Wishing you and your family the best as you tackle a job none of us ever expected to have to deal with.

wyoming daughter

Hi Suzy23- It sounds like you have taken care of alot of things already.  It will all come together for you.  I just wanted to pass along that the assisted living facility where my Mom is will walk the residents' dogs, and I have seen the smaller cages sitting outside some apartments for pets when they want to be outside, so maybe check into that possibility...