Therapy??? yea or nah?!

CStrope

So, my daughter keeps telling me I need to be in therapy to deal with all of this Alzheimer's stress.  Has anybody found it helpful?  If so.....what do you look for in a therapist that can help navigate the stressers and stress we as caregivers suffer.

Joe C.

CStrope, I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years and I find it extremely helpful to have someone I can bare too. I believe most of us probably have emotions and feelings that we would not wish discuss with family members. I am fortunate that my health plan covers therapy.

harshedbuzz

CStrope-

I don't know that you need to be "in therapy" but having a therapist or counselor who understands the stressors and challenges in this kind of caregiving is a good thing. One of the first things I did when dad was diagnosed was get my mom a psychiatrist and talk therapist. Having a professional who is 100% focused on your wellbeing is useful when the PWD's team is all about what's ideal for him and your children are trying to balance the needs of both their parents. It gave her a safe space to vent because she could be more authentic with the therapist in a way she couldn't be with me (I suspect I may have been the subject of some of those rants) or would be willing to reveal even in her very nice IRL support group. 

It's critical to find a good fit. Mom's psych is terrific; she's dually trained as a neurologist. She sees mom every couple of months for medication refills and to talk. Her therapist was OK initially but I think she was a tad too crunchy for my mom. She seems OK in Stage 8 without a weekly appointment. 

HB

Crushed

I have a superb Therapist (LCSW) .  She is an expert in Dementia spouses.

Stuck in the middle

I went to the therapist my PCP recommended, a few months after my older son died.  Probably saved my life.  When the stressors just keep coming like waves, you have to learn some ways to cope.

Talking to a therapist is nothing like talking to family.  Family is often the problem, not the solution.

CStrope

Thank you everyone.  I guess I was just a little confused as to what I should do because right after my DH was diagnosed, I made an appointment through our employee assistance program.  The person that was assigned to me spent an hour telling me "wow, you've got a lot on your plate".  My second appointment was cancelled due to scheduling issues, and was never rescheduled. So I had a bit of a skeptical outlook on continuing my search.

Joe C.

CStropes, One other things I should mention, after the first year of seeing the therapist I asked my stepdaughter to come with me. Although we have a very good relationship we were both pros at avoiding difficult conversations. For the last two years she has attended very other session with me. It’s has given us a scheduled time when we can speak openly about the challenges of this journey and make plans for the future.

LadyTexan

Greetings CStrope.

For context - I have chronic recurring, difficult to treat depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed in my 30s. I am now 56. I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for most of my adult life. My psychiatrist encouraged cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in addition to medication for me. Over the years, as I have managed (and mismanaged) my illness, therapists have been useful and lifesaving for me. They have helped me to better handle stress and incorporate positive life skills into my days.

I have seen several therapists over the years. Not all therapists are the same. It is important to find a good fit for you. 

My current therapist is a social worker (LCSW-S, ACHP-SW) at the comprehensive memory center. I do not know what the acronyms following his name mean. What makes him appropriate for me is he has seen dementia play out for many families. He is experienced with the disease progression. He is exceptional at lowering my caregiving stress by providing perspective and education.

harshedbuzz

Cobbling onto what JR said, finding a good fit can take some effort. 

I was fortunate to be able to ask the psychiatrist who treats both my son and niece for their ADHD and anxiety issues who might be a good fit for my mom. He suggested the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist made the referral which was not a great fit but OK for a time. They're part of a large practice but no one there specializes in dementia/caregiving/ambiguous loss issues.

A number of people I know have been somewhat disappointed into therapists and counselors they found through their EAP. Often the professionals who are available are new to the practice and don't have a lot of experience; sometimes the assignments seem to be made completely randomly.

Another reality is that sometimes the best practitioners in mental health do not accept insurance; if you can pay out-of-pocket you may have more options. Mom's support group was a great resource for this sort of thing but I know other's who have used the Psychology Today site to find someone. They often include areas of interest. 

HB

ElaineD

I've been in and out of therapy (mostly IN) all of my life since age 30 in 1972.  The therapy has been (mostly) the therapist listening to me, reflecting back, and helping me understand myself.  

The absolute KEY is having someone in your corner who has no 'skin in the game' (family and friends are often people that you don't want to 'upset', who may want YOUR support, or who offer unhelpful advice: or all three).

I have almost always combined this talk therapy with medication once Prozac came on market in 1988.  By the way, once I took Prozac I found out what 'normal' felt like....a cloud was lifted that I didn't even KNOW was there.

I have had the same therapist for about 9 years, and I now take Wellbutrin since I can no longer take any antidepressant in the Prozac class of medications.   But I tolerated Prozac and its cousins from 1988 to 2016.  

My therapist is not a medical doctor (that would be a psychiatrist) so Wellbutrin is prescribed by my Pain Specialist, who is a Medical Doctor.

By the way, most antidepressants can also help relieve pain.

ElaineD

French

Cstrope, 

Here we have a caregiver house that offers lot of services. You can go and see the psychologist for free. The association France Alzheimer also offers it to its members. I go to see the one of the house of caregivers once a month since May. Before it was every 6 months.

I think it is important to choose a psychologist who is familiar with Alzheimer's disease. You need to discuss with somebody who knows exactly what you are living. The psychologist  I see is part of the team that organizes the caregivers’ training proposed by the caregivers house.

I myself have always felt balanced and had no particular difficulties, but now I need a third party to help and support me. 

The last time, we discussed the absence or counter-productivity of the family and concluded that I had no choice but to make decisions alone. I could have concluded the same thing alone but it's not the same to conclude it in a constructed argument with someone who is able to draw out your own contradictions in a neutral way.

Today we went through  my organization for the fall and concluded that the next step was for me to prepare for the separation... from my point of view, not his. I don’t really know what it means… or I don’t want to know. But I know that her help will be necessary to fight the guilt.

So definitely yes it is useful. At the pace you need, depending on your difficulties. Initially, our "contract" was that I would come to her when I had decisions to make, now it is a little different.

To me, It seems very different from what we call a therapy. The difficulties are not « in you » but what you are going through.

French

I wonder if what we call a psychologist here is a therapist for you… difficult to translate for me

Wyoaviator

My best therapy has been these message boards, especially this spousal board. The people on this board have "been there, done that," so they understand what you are going through. The confusion, the anger, the bitterness with the LO, with the system, with the disease.... Without this message board I would have ended my own life before she lost her battle.

Stuck in the middle

French wrote:

I wonder if what we call a psychologist here is a therapist for you… difficult to translate for me

Yes, we often say therapist when we mean psychologist.

markus8174

CSTrope: I'm kinda the odd-man-out in this discussion. My DW and reason for living for the last 36 years entered a nursing home about 15months ago. At the peak of the Covid wave with even very restricted visitation canceled I spent way too much time contemplating suicide. I discussed this with our doctor and she labeled it " Complex Grief Disorder".  I never considered "therapy" other than pharmacological therapy from my primary care. When my beloved was home there was no time to go off to a therapy session. The last year at home she had to be monitored 24/7 and I had almost no support from the family. Fortunately I have a good primary care doc. We went through several meds and treatment plans to keep me from looking for the next gun show. Finally, I have settled into a state of anhedonia that has been pretty stable for the last 6 months. I guess my point is, talking to anyone at all pushes me right back to gun shopping. I do pretty well just staying at home and trying to keep myself occupied. Twice in my adult life I've sought out  "therapy" to help with a problem. In both cases it cost quite a bit of $, made the issues worse than they were before therapy started. I'm glad others have found some benefit to therapy, it just isn't for me.

60 falcon

markus8174 wrote:

 I'm glad others have found some benefit to therapy, it just isn't for me.

I might be in agreement with you Markus, but I'm not sure. Today was an eye opener for me...

After a long time of not thinking that I need help or a break from caregiving, I reached the point a few weeks ago where I started to look for help so that I can get a break.  There are no in home caregivers that service where I live. Zip, zero, nothing.  So, today my wife and I met with a lady who runs an adult day program for people with dementia.  It's only open two days a week for four hours each day, and it's a little over an hour away. (It's the only one I know of.) That's far from ideal but I'm working on getting my wife in the day care anyway.

I feel like I'm rambling here, but what got to me is that this lady asked ME how I am doing. She said I looked uncomfortable, stressed, and worried.  Nobody asks me how I'm doing.  Well, I kind of fell apart and just started crying.  That's not normal for me. This very caring lady told me she thinks I should talk with a therapist or someone to maybe work through some things and deal with the stress of everything.  She offered to help find a therapist/counselor familiar with caregiving for someone with dementia.  I won't waste my time with someone who isn't familiar with what we're going through. I agreed that it can't hurt to see if there's someone around here.  Markus, you mentioned contemplating suicide...I can relate to that during the times when all the "demons" in my life are raising hell...wife's alz, my cancer, and sometimes just life in general.

I know I'm an emotional mess inside. Things get to me when normally they wouldn't.  Before my wife's alz, I'd go off by myself to putz in my shop or work on a car,  go hunting, go canoeing, or just generally be by myself to be grumpy, pissed, or sad.  It worked for me.  I'm just not sold on the idea of spilling my guts to someone that I don't know.  I may try it, or not. I do believe talking things out helps.  I don't know. Maybe I just need a break and a little "me" time. That's something I've not had for a few years now.  

The bottom line is that I think we all need something or someone that helps us through this.  I'm feeling the effects of not having that, though this forum and all of you are kind of like a life preserver for me... You keep my head above the water.

This is a good topic that we should all probably think more about.

Wyoaviator

One of the staff at the local hospital said something that I have held onto-

"The victims of dementia are not the people who get it, the victims are the family."

Think about that before you dismiss your own needs.

Also, remember that the most valuable resource your LO has is YOU. Take care of  that resource. If not for you then for them.

Jeff86

This is a super interesting thread.  Thanks CStrope for raising the issue.

I have never felt the need or desire to talk to a therapist; have dealt with life’s ups and downs with relative equanimity.

But I hadn’t met AD.  Personally, I don’t feel angry or depressed.  But I sure do feel sad, daily.  I posted a few months back about acceptance and what that means—it doesn’t take away the grief.

I wrestle with the losses, the endings, the state of limbo, the uncertainty.  On top of AD, I think about retiring in a couple of years—another ending, another future uncertainty.

At times, I forget gratitude, and say to myself, “My life sucks.”  Which it doesn’t—I am very fortunate in many ways.  But this disease can obscure that.

So, for the first time in my life, I too am wondering whether it’s time to consider finding a therapist to work through these issues (and, yes, feelings).

Crushed

French wrote:

I wonder if what we call a psychologist here is a therapist for you… difficult to translate for me

Therapists in dementia  generally come through one of three paths

 Psychiatrists are physicians and treat active mental illness 

Psychologists   are usually PhDs  or Dr Psych  and work with patients with cognitive and similar disorders and some social adjustment

Clinical Social Workers  specialize in social adjustment issues.  Normally their patients/clients  are not currentlty ill but are under social stress.   This group includes most family therapists  

My therapist is a clinical social worker whose clients are dementia spouses and families.

French

So I see what you call a therapist. 

Thank you, I will have progressed a little today. You don’t imagine the quantity of vocabulary I have learnt here. Before I was reading English books to improve my English, now, I read your posts and also write in English with a very different style than the scientific papers I am used to write.

Stuck in the middle

Actually, we are using "therapist" as short for psychotherapist.  A therapist provides therapy, so there are massage therapists, speech therapists, physical therapists, and others.  A psychotherapist provides therapy for the overtaxed or otherwise damaged psyche.

Joke:  A psychotherapist is not the same as "Psycho the rapist."

nancyj194

Therapy to have or have not. I have been in a difficult marriage all of my 56 years. Perhaps 30 years ago, I asked if my husband would go to marriage counseling with me and he refused, saying I was the one with the problem, so I went, but didn't share with him since he was not the one with the problem. 

My therapist was kind, but only thing I got out of therapy, was that I would be poor if I left the marriage. I decided that I would stay, as at least I knew what I had to deal with, whereas, I had no idea where life would lead me out of the marriage.  

One day my husband opened a statement from the insurance company and saw I was seeing a therapist and he blew up. Throwing things and breaking things, I panicked and called the police. They made him leave the house and so before he could come back, he had to agree to seeing a joint marriage counselor, one of my husband's choice. The therapaist was good and would discuss my problems first, then my husband had a chance to talk. DH sat with his arms crossed and kept saying my problems needed to be dealt with. The therapist said we had. This went on weekly for perhaps six months and finally the therapist said he had done all he could for us. 

That was the end of therapy. 

I did stay in the marriage and so here I am.  Would I go again? Probably not.  Our PCP wanted me to see one because of my insomnia issues, but I do not wished to be drugged. Been there done that.  

For some people, therapy works. They are the lucky ones.  

There's more to this story, but I shall stop where I am at and am glad I have a place to vent without repercussions. 

Stuck in the middle

Nancy, I would say therapy did what therapy can do.  You knew after therapy what could be fixed and what couldn't, and what your options were.  When you made your choices, they were with knowledge of what you were getting and what you were giving up.  

Therapy doesn't fix your problems.  It just helps you see what they are, what you can fix, and what the tradeoffs are.

nancyj194

Stuck in the middle, thank you for opening my eyes to something I had not seen before concerning therapy.  

Now I am crying, but today is one of those sad days when terror stuck our nation. I will never forget this fateful day, but sometimes the thoughts of it are a bit overwhelming.

My therapist did indeed open my eyes to what my life would be like depending on what choice I made. What I really wanted was for her to show me the way to better deal with my marriage. Instead things continued as they had been. I am glad I had my children, family, and friends. 

Paris20

I spoke to a therapist for about three months. I had been trying to take care of my husband myself and finally admitted I couldn’t. He was declining but I realized I was too, in my own way. Covid quarantine was the last straw. I spoke to my PCP, a gerontologist, and discovered that a therapist (social worker) was part of the practice. I met with her via telemedicine each week. It was good to have someone on my side who was not part of my husband’s circle. Unlike family and friends who often provided me with unsolicited advice, she listened and supported me, helping me feel capable and stronger. I feel OK now but I know I can contact her if I need her.

Stella Luna

Crushed, can you please share the name of your therapist? I live in the Washington area and need a therapist.

Thank you.

Crushed

Stuck in the middle wrote:

Actually, we are using "therapist" as short for psychotherapist.  A therapist provides therapy, so there are massage therapists, speech therapists, physical therapists, and others.  A psychotherapist provides therapy for the overtaxed or otherwise damaged psyche.

Joke:  A psychotherapist is not the same as "Psycho the rapist."

just to be clear Psychotherapy is a field of work Psychotherapist may or may not be the professional title  EG Maryland law

        (4)      For an individual licensed as a certified social worker-clinical, "practice social work" also includes:

                               (iii)      The provision of psychotherapy.

Crushed

Stella Luna wrote:

Crushed, can you please share the name of your therapist? I live in the Washington area and need a therapist.

Thank you.

IIRC She is not taking new clients

 But I will ask for a referral   which Jurisdiction do you live in? 

Stella Luna

Crushed, I live in Montgomery County. I appreciate your referral.

Crushed

Stella Luna wrote:

Crushed, I live in Montgomery County. I appreciate your referral.

While I am waiting to hear back can I strongly recommend  JSSA

 Thy have wonderful programs and people

Offices Rockville - Fallsgrove

The Ina Kay Building
200 Wood Hill Road
Rockville, MD 20850

Get Directions

301-838-4200

Rockville - Montrose

The Elsie & Marvin Dekelboum Building
6123 Montrose Road
Rockville, MD 20852

Get Directions

301-881-3700

Stella Luna

Crushed, Thank you so much!