What to say when there is no right answer

Srwill175

Hi I'm Steph and new here. And struggling a bit. I'm not one to reach out to people I don't know. ( Shy+social anxiety) Sooo this is a huge step for me. 

My mom was recently diagnosed with ALZ but I've noticed changes for some time. The recent decline prompted further evaluation and thus the diagnosis. Im really struggling to answer questions from her that have no right answer. Everything I say is wrong and I'm at a total loss. She keeps asking me when we are going home. She won't believe me that she's at home. I've tried saying..home is where your daughter is. I've tried to redirect her attention elsewhere which sometimes works. But other times she just won't stop pressing me for answers. Talking about the "other house". This is not home. Thinks we are lying to her. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. 

eaglemom

On the top of this page is a tab called solutions. Click on the tab and various topics will come up. Look through those and see if you can find any helpful information.

If redirecting isn't helping her maybe try another approach - redirecting differently. When she begins this come up with a line like "I heard this song the other day, didn't you tell me about it?" Something along that line - then turn on one of the numerous music stations to your mom's era and see if that won't help. Music does wonderful things. 

eagle

abc123

Welcome to the forum! Congratulations to you for reaching out to us here! That’s a hard thing do for many of us here. I’d truly be a lost soul without the support and encouragement I get from others here. 

First thing I’d like to share with you is you need to stop trying to explain or reason about anything with your Mom. Her brain is broken. Her brain is damaged. That’s what dementia does to the human brain. When your Mom ask about going home, try telling her you will go soon. As soon as the weather is better or as soon as the car is repaired or the road is repaired or the bridge is open. You have to make up something that she’ll buy into. Let’s say she buys into having to wait for the road to be repaired- you could change the subject to the roads, the roads are too rough, too many pot holes, etc. etc. You have to be creative!!!! Also, it’s okay if she talks about another house(to her there IS another house) Pretend you remember the other house and you also look forward to going there! Her world is now dementia and it gets smaller every day. Join her in her world. Some people believe when a PWD wants to go home, they are expressing a need to feel safe. Reassure her she is loved and safe. I tell my momma all the time, “It’s okay Momma, I’ll take care of it for you because I love you”. It usually helps her feel calmer.

I wish you luck! Keep reading and posting here! There’s sooo much to learn.

sjohnson

It is not easy to answer questions from LO with dementia.  When my mom talks about "home", I finally figured out that most of the time she was talking about her childhood home.  She would ask me about selling it and who got the money and how we would have to go over there and go thru the dishes.  I just kept agreeing with her.  And I would say what a great house it is.  And I would assure her that I would take care of it.  As often as I can, I try to agree with her or tell her "oh, you are right.  We do have to go thru dishes."  And then I give her a snack!  Eating seems to distract her a bit.  I also found some of her old photos from her childhood that I will show her sometimes.  Just a couple of pictures and usually the same ones each time.  But that seems to help her.  There is no "logic" in conversations with my mom.  Facial expressions and tone of voice are important.  My mom can pick up on the slightest sense of frustration.  I try to keep my voice even and say things like "Oh, right" and "Yeah, that is sad" or whatever she is feeling.  

Watching someone you love go thru dementia is heart breaking.  But their can still be moments of joy.  Whenever my mom smiles, which is rare, I embrace that moment.  You can find a lot of support and great information on this site.  I visit it often!  good luck!  and know that you are not alone.

rzrbaxfan

Sometimes I reply with "I don't know.  I'll look into it tomorrow.", but that works for me because my mom forgets easily.  She'll get hung up on something that doesn't make sense (like needing to mail scraps of toilet paper to pay bills for work) or asking about a loved one that passed away a long time ago, but an hour later she has moved on.