How Do You Respond to Casual Friends Automatic Question, “How’s (Name of Spouse)” Knowing She Has A

Joshbi

This is a wonderful group of compassionate spouses/caregivers, and I have learned so much from this chat room. In the grand scheme of things, this issue/pet peeve of mine is minor. I’m seeking your advice on how to best reply to casual friends in my retirement community who  ask how my wife is doing EVERY time they see me on walks with my dog. My wife has been in MC now for over three years —she has declined fairly rapidly and is now well into Stage 6. (close friends and family ask only occasionally because they know about the disease’s progression and that I will keep them informed of any major changes.) 

I always tell these well-meaning folks that her Alzheimer’s is advanced but tat least she feels safe. That’s my mantra—one that I hate because it’s become so automatic now. A couple of weeks later, the same folks inevitably ask the same question!  It finally dawned in me they ask about DW only because they know she’s in MC and just expect me to say “She’s doing okay” or “She’s fine.” I don’t want to alienate fellow residents in my community by being too short with them, but I end up resenting their question about how DW’s doing since they feel obligated to ask.  Have any of you been honest with such folks and told them how your spouse/partner is REALLY doing and that the disease is terminal? Perhaps such honesty will give them a hint to stop asking the same pointless question EVERY time they see me. 

My DW was always so tactful and would have known how to respond without seeming harsh. I have reached the point where I want to say, “It’s nice that you always ask about her, but the truth is, she’s declining and will never get better.” Any suggestions from those of you who are also tired of being asked “The Question” from clueless neighbors? Thanks for your wisdom and suggestions, and apologies if my tone seems cynical about a “friendly” conversational question. Hug, hopes, and love—John 

Wyoaviator

"She has good days and bad days." 

That usually ends it. People are trying to sound interested. They want you to know they care, they just don't know how much it hurts to respond.

Joshbi

Wyivuatir—That’s a good suggestion. I now remember using that response when she had been exhibiting extreme mood swings and was paranoid about the staff. You are so right that constantly being forced to come up with some response can feels so painful—especially when you have managed not to dwell on loved one’s decline until someone “reminds” you by their innocent question. I wish you and your loved one(s) well, especially during these challenging days where the world seems to be imploding every other day. Warmly, John

loveskitties

John,

How about "she is doing as well as can be expected".

I do like your "“It’s nice that you always ask about her, but the truth is, she’s declining and will never get better."  

Doityourselfer

I say "He's progressing."

Quilting brings calm

==  I have reached the point where I want to say, “It’s nice that you always ask about her, but the truth is, she’s declining and will never get better.” ==

Say that … and then add.  ‘ this could be a LONG process. it’s hard to talk about it.  Thank you for asking and I will let you know if anything changes or if you can help’.  Then change the subject to ‘ how about that ball game last night. The upcoming card game at the rec center, etc. 

Well meaning folks will inwardly sigh in relief because you’ve just given them a reason to stop feeling like they need to ask to show they care. 

June45

Quite honestly, I wish more friends and neighbors would ask how my husband is, especially his close friends who were also his coworkers for a couple of decades.  Total silence...

David J

Joshbi, I think people in your community are very conscious of their own frailty and are trying to be empathetic. They know it could be their spouse or themselves next to be dealing with an illness. If they are merely acquaintances, they probably just want to be neighborly, without intruding in your personal business. Would you prefer that they ignore her existence and not mention her? All that said, I know how difficult it is to answer the question.  I don’t have a standard answer, but I have used “OK, all things considered “ and “she is on a long downhill path” and non-committal grunts. Friends are different, I tell them exactly what is going on.

JDancer

I have a similar problem when people ask how I'm doing. I still work, so my co workers often have a casual "how are you?" I frequently say, "struggling, " and let it go. Some know my situation and some don't. This seems to be an acceptable answer during COVID, especially since I work in health care. I hate to sound like a cranky bitch, but frankly, this disease has made me into a cranky bitch.

Pathfinder52

JDancer -- I remember when I was working a corporate job, full time and colleagues who knew of hubby's illness would ask how I was doing. . .my answer was frequently to dismiss their concern with the simple lie, "I'm fine!"  Until I absolutely wasn't and I had to admit that. Generally, I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop (what would be the next crisis we'd face)?  That stress wore me out!

That admission (that I was NOT fine) became my doorway to learning how to take care of myself (to the point that I've become something of a crusader for family caregivers to learn self-care!).

Now, I'm officially retired (I knew that ultimately his care needs would determine my retirement date) and running a modest little enterprise from home where I'm a business woman and a 24/7 caregiver.

Now, when colleagues say "how are you?" I try to be as honest as possible and my general response is, "I'm managing, some days better than others!" and that feels authentic.

Wishing you all the best.

--p

LadyTexan

Like many our world and social circle has gotten smaller. I see my immediate family fairly regularly and they see our struggle. They don't ask.

My answer for others often depends on the kind of day I am having, but lately my response has been, "he continues to decline". When the friends who have basically distanced themselves from us ask, my response is "he is stage seven. There are seven stages". Most people I know are clueless about dementia (I know I was) and mathematically literate. My hope is they get the underlying message that this disease is playing out, so don't put off visiting and calling, because the clock is ticking.

Stuck in the middle

I answered "fine" to the "How are you doing?" question once and was informed that "fine" means "Feelings internal, not expressed."  I guess she really wanted to know, and that I didn't look very fine.

Ed1937

I either say "She's progressing" or "She's doing as well as can be expected".