DH final days--so sad

MissBarb

A while ago I wrote asking how to break off a visit to my DH in Memory care.  Now he is in Hospice care on Morphine every four hours and non-communicative and doesn't recognize me.

How I wish I could go back to the problematic visits with him.  He fell on Sunday, went to ER, had x-rays which showed multiple pelvic fractures.  He was admitted the the hospital's Hospice unit and has been there four days.  His decline is unbelievable!  A week ago he was walking, talking, joking---however not eating or drinking much at all.  Now he is skeletal, agitated, sleeping nearly every visit I make.  He pushes my hands away and tries desperately to remove his hospital gown many times a day.  He refuses to eat or drink a thing.

I try to soothe him, hold his hand, tell him I love him, all of  which seems to no avail.  He barely opens his eyes and shows no recognition of me, his wife of 55 years,  I am heartbroken to see him like this.  I know he would be mortified to see himself in this condition.  I don't know whether to keep visiting him or not.  It seems cruel not to visit, however the visits make me so very sad and seem unproductive.  What should I do?  I just wish him a peaceful departure of this unkind world.

Ed1937

Barb, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. Before my brother passed, we were told not to say anything that he could hear if we wouldn't say it to his face because they just don't know how much they can understand when in that condition, You'll just have to do whatever you feel is best. Again, I'm sorry.

ladyzetta

Miss Barb,

I was with my DH in MC when he passed away. I am not sure he knew I was there but just in case he knew I did not want him to be alone. My DH was not combative he just laid there he was on morphine. I was glad I was there I think I would have really hated myself if I let him die alone. Speak to Hospice because once he is on the morphine you sitting with him should not be a issue. Hugs Zetta 

Quilting brings calm

You don’t have to talk much, you don’t have to touch much if it upsets him.  Just be there. If you sew or craft, take a small handcraft to do to keep your hands busy. Take a book… just look up at him every few pages.  You will probably be alerted to when to put them down and focus on him. 

Even then, he may pass while you close your eyes, are in the bathroom, at the vending machines, home for a rest. It often happens that way. 

ladyzetta

I was in a recliner in my DHs room he was in the bed I was reclined back with my feet on his bed. I was watching Law and Order he knew I always watched that so I figured he would hear the back ground noise. I got up to go get me a cup of coffee and he was gone when I got back. I sat back down for a few minutes before I even realized he had passed.

Wyoaviator

Miss Barb-

I just went through this a few days ago.

" It seems cruel not to visit, however the visits make me so very sad and seem unproductive."

You are doing the right thing. Just be there. You will be happy you did. Trust me.

Reread what LadyZetta says above. I doubt better advice was ever given.

DrinaJGB

A hip fracture which is not surgically addressed has a mortality rate the first year of 70%--with surgically addressed being between 19-58%. Sadly for one who is already impaired it is usually fatal fairly soon. I am so sorry this has happened to your LO. My grandmother passed after a hip fracture as do so many others. It is oftentimes a death sentence.

Last Dance

I spent the whole night with Linda talking about our life together, how we met our first date, the birth of our children, even about the troubles of life, and how our love for each other pulled us through it. At 4:00 AM I fell a sleep for 10 minutes when I woke up she was gone, there are times when I feel bad that I fell a sleep, but she knew I was there and my head was laying beside her. Even if he is agitated he still needs you. And my personal feelings are that you will regret it if you don't visit him. I know that you can't be there 24-7 but be there as much as you can, you wouldn't regret it. However remember are Love One's sometimes chose to pass when the ones who love them step away for just a minute. God's Blessings to you Richard