Drinking

T. Slothrop

My DW is cheerful and fun in spite of having lost 100% of her short-term memory. She enjoys the taste of wine, and I of course want her to enjoy it. But she can no longer keep track of how much she has had; will keep filling the glass until the fridge is empty; and when there’s none left, she accuses me of pouring it out.  

Anyone have any strategies for managing moderate drinking, preventing inebriation?

dayn2nite2

While it's nice for people to enjoy little pleasures, if the item is causing more grief for you than it's worth, I'd ditch the wine.  I'd just say the harvest was bad/COVID/whatever reason you wish, but If you won't be able to pour a glass and lock the rest up daily without listening to accusations over it, then it's time for the wine to go.

What about a non-alcoholic wine?  Again, only if she is willing to have the amount controlled (cost factor).

harshedbuzz

Dementia destroyed dad's cognition- not his palate. Non-alcohol wine is pretty ghastly and was a no-go here. Ditto watering it down into something like a spritzer. Alcohol was a big problem here. We did try smaller bottles, but that just made dad angry. 

If "being out" upsets her and leads to accusations that you're pulling a fast one on her, maybe it's best not to have wine on hand. Sometimes out of sight is out of mind. 

HB

Michael Ellenbogen

You folks are joy killers. Let the person still have their fun just find away to limit it. 

harshedbuzz

Michael Ellenbogen wrote:

You folks are joy killers. Let the person still have their fun just find away to limit it. 

That's why my screen name is "harshedbuzz". It's my job.

But seriously, and will all due respect because I value your insights and participation here a great deal, my thoughts-

You know what's a joy killer? An alcohol-related dementia like Wernicke-Korsakoff's. It turned my formerly brilliant, handsome, charming and somewhat sociopathic father into a suspicious incontinent mess. It robbed him- and my mother of the retirement they'd worked hard for. It cost my mother her social supports, her physical and emotional health and hundreds of thousands of dollars. In caring for dad who was quite challenging, my mother neglected her health which has robbed her of real independence in stage 8 which has derailed the sort of golden years to which my husband and I looked forward. 

The OP stated that his wife is drinking more than what is healthy. While I get that she is fatally ill, he's the one living with the consequences when she turns on him when the wine runs out. I offered him strategies he could try, and I would be delighted for them both if it worked. But I don't expect it will if my dad is anything to go by. The more we tried to bring his consumption to a reasonable level, the more fixated and unpleasant he became. 

That said, TSlothrop- when dad's geriatric psychiatrist was tweaking his meds to attempt to activate him away from apathy, he added a small dose of Wellbutrin to his daily cocktail of a SSRI and a neuroleptic. I noticed his desire for wine decreased rather dramatically. He still made the aggressive powerplay of demanding a glass of wine but didn't always finish it. Previously, he'd happily down a bottle and perhaps a second if he was especially angry and prove my mom wasn't the boss of him.

In his final days, he often believed he'd been hanging with friends at the club after golf or out having beers with his brother. LOL, he was convinced there was a nightclub in the basement of the MCF and that kind of made me happy.

HB

MrsAnnabelLee

Michael, that comment is really unnecessary. People come here because they are learning how to best care for someone who has a disease that kills all joy itself. We are all doing the best we can for the people we love and none of us have a desire to take anything away from them. 

When my mom was in early middle stages and we were dealing with the issue, she was able to have a frank discussion with me that she'd rather not drink than drink excessively. This was after I once found her completely wasted, which was very unlike her.

OP, if you think you could switch wine for a cocktail, there are some pretty convincing non-alcoholic liquor dupes. I found one online that satisfied my mom's desire for her usual gin and tonic.

dayn2nite2

Michael never has anything nice to say about the caregivers here.  We're all "clueless" and now "joy killers" because we don't want to deal with a drunk PWD who will fall and break something.

Ironically, he has no trouble posting on all the caregiver boards when he decides we have to help him on some project of his.

Hmmm.

Iris L.

I once drank something that I thought was wine but it actually was grape juice in a wine-like bottle.  You might pour some grape juice into a wine bottle.

I don't recall Michael calling caregivers clueless.  I, on the other hand, have called professionals, such as some doctors, social workers and other so-called "senior experts" clueless because they are.  That is from my personal experience and from reading the experiences of many members on these threads.   Cluelessness from professionals just perpetuates the lower level of care that PWDs receive compared to people with other devastating diseases, such as cancer and HIV/AIDS.  In all the years I have been here, the cluelessness from some professionals has not improved much.  They are educated but clueless.  

IMO, the caregiver members here are not clueless, they are DEDICATED to learning and making life better for their LOs and themselves.  I wouldn't still be living independently without the members here, because they are willing to share their experiences and I have learned a LOT! 

Iris 

abc123

Iris, thank you!

BassetHoundAnn

I give my mom grape or cranberry juice in a wine glass before bed. She doesn't know the difference and always raves about what terrific wine it is. I don't even have to fib. I think Alzheimer's has dimmed her taste.

Emily 123

The nice thing about a forum is that it shows different perspectives and experiences.  We don't have many people with AD that are able to share their viewpoints here, so it's nice to see them post.   I don't recall him running down anyone's contributions.  

A prior thread helped me see that I should be careful about what things I could let my mom enjoy, especially that glass of wine before dinner.  Her balance is horrible.  She's 92.  I cut her wine with that Martinelli dry cider and  splash of water in one of my grandmother's small (really small!) wine glasses and she has that, or just the straight up dry cider. Throwing in an ice cube also seems to fool her palate.

SusanB-dil

just a thought - try the substitutes suggested, and if they do not work at all, you could maybe try what we did with sugar...  "We just cannot get it". This was truthful about a year ago when you really couldn't get it due to covid shortage, and we never said otherwise.  Now, we simply 'cannot' get it. (because she cannot have it... we don't mention that part) but she has eventually accepted that we 'cannot get it in the house'. We have found that substitutions of many foods and drinks have come a long way - helpful.

jfkoc

I agree with the idea of limiting  the alcohol intake, Michael's suggestion. The answer as to how to do that is the advice the OP was looking for. 

 Limiting may not be the solution. Drinking because it tastes good? Maybe that is not why she is drinking all she can find. If your mother drinks until it is all gone and then is angry you may very well be dealing with an alcoholic and your may want to turn to Alanon for advice.

 There may not be a way of "limiting". You may have to either incur the wrath or deal with inebriation.  

My husband was a member of AA when I met him. We simply did not have alcohol of any kind in the house.  It was a health issue and as such I had no problem not drinking either.

MN Chickadee

As with everything else, don't argue with her. You can't reason with a PWD who has reached that point. Whether it's about wine or ice cream or something she miss placed, take the blame. Deflect. Apologize for something you didn't do if necessary. Use therapeutic fibs. The right approach may not be a one size fits all that worked for others here, it will depend on her type of dementia, stage, personality and temperament. In the immediate future could you switch to the little single serving bottles of wine, or secretly remove most of the wine in a big bottle and keep the rest hidden away. Many of us need a locked cabinet or closet for many things eventually anyway.  Tell her it was on sale, or this is all that was available because of COVID or whatever might fly.  When her one or two servings have been consumed for the evening, could you promise to buy more wine tomorrow (a fib) and offer to make her a cocktail instead? A cocktail would be easier to spoof. Club soda with a slice of lime or tonic water or coke in a fancy glass. Might this work to scale her back a bit?  If she is addicted and needs to be detoxed, please consult her doctor. That can be dangerous to do on your won if she has been consuming a great deal of alcohol or depending on her age. 

In the long term I would view drinking as we do driving in the dementia world. We tell people here to make the car go away, and/or the keys. If something has become a problem, it has to go away one way or another, whether it's drinking too much, sweets for a diabetic, the car, whatever. Out of sight out of mind - no wine in the house just like no car in the garage. We put up with the anger, we deflect and fib and say we'll take care of it tomorrow and try to redirect and it isn't fun, but it's what is needed for our loved one's own health and safety, and our job as their legal guardian. Just like other things that have to go away, like driving or taking a walk alone or the checkbook, eventually they forget. All these battles are short lived and replaced by new challenges. Good luck, I hope you find your way. 

BassetHoundAnn

At a certain point my mom became unable to tell the difference between a bottle of wine and a bottle of juice in the frig. And it took me a while to realize she was having this difficulty. I couldn't tell how much she was drinking--or dumping out because she was dumping out everything in the frig she couldn't identify--and she obviously couldn't remember. I'd find a recently-purchased bottle of wine empty in the trash, ask her about it and she would express surprise that it was a wine bottle. 

She also began hiding bottles of wine and other booze, claiming people were sneaking in at night stealing it. Under the couch, under the bed, behind pillows. So when a bottle went missing I often didn't know whether she had drunk the whole bottle, dumped it out, spirited it off to the trash or hidden it somewhere. 

If I hid the bottle of wine in a high-up cupboard she would go looking for it, climbing chairs with precarious balance. 

So no more wine for mom. No more wine in the house. 

I have deployed the mocktail technique successfully. A fancy wine or margarita glass filled with fruit juice, crushed ice, cherries, orange slice on the edge, a swizzle stick or paper parasol if available. She loves these. It's all in the presentation. I used to splash a little wine into the drink but not anymore and she doesn't know the difference. 

Pathfinder52

After a similar evening of non-stop (because, who's counting) drinking, my DH fell (on his birthday) and ended up with a spiral fracture of his tibia.  Of course, we're in the Mid-west and that night, we also had a blizzard (as we often do in April).  So, the next day (when the roads were drivable) I managed to get him into urgent care where they had us go immediately-do-not- pass-go to the Emergency Department.  

He was admitted (it was a Sunday) and had surgery mid-afternoon (when the surgeon could finally get her own driveway cleared and get into the hospital). Then, after surgical recovery, he spent 4 weeks in a rehab center in a boot-cast learning to walk with a walker and endure memory-care's locked unit precautions.

Over the intervening weeks I gave his son our bar/liquor cabinet and emptied its consumables.  Now, every alcoholic beverage lives in a locked pantry and I am the official bar-tender for this household.  Our agreement (if you can call it that) is one Manhattan each day (at 5 pm).  This I do oblige him.  

I've learned (from the local bars during COVID) how to make batch drinks so every two weeks I package up 14 Manhattans and tuck them in the back of the fridg where he seems (thankfully) not to notice them -- or perhaps they just look like Jell-o cups.

Sorry your lovely can't find her "enough" when it comes to wine.  Now it is your turn to play bar-tender and cut her off at an appropriately sized glass (for her weight & drinking class) no matter how difficult you find it.  I do like the suggestions you've received for non-alcoholic beverages (and you could also dilute the real thing with other products).

It is just another piece of "safety" that is entirely your job as the thinking member of this couple.  Don't let an emergency (in your household) be the driver that gets you to manage this accident waiting to happen!

--p