Disrespect?

HeartOnSleeve2210

Hello again! I am really enjoying this forum and would like to add one more question. As I help out my Grandfather, who is still independent and able to do things, he's only in ES AD, I struggle with where the line of disrespect and keeping him safe is. He doesn't mind that I have to drive him everywhere, but I am afraid for when the day comes that he will resist my help. I feel intense guilt at the prospect that I will have to be disrespectful to one of the men I admire most in my life. My Aunt and Mother tell me I don't need to feel guilty because I am doing a good thing, but it's so hard to combat the guilt I will feel if I think I'm even remotely disrespectful to him. How do you all handle that?

wyoming daughter

What you are doing for your Grandfather is most respectful.   What you are doing is out of respect for him. It is not disrespectful at all.  Yes, it is hard to "work around" certain things, but it's your job to keep them safe and calm, I can't think of anything more respectful than that.  You are fine.

HeartOnSleeve2210

Logically, I understand that. But I myself struggle with anxiety, and I get absolutely guilt ridden if I feel I've done something wrong. I am going to try my best to work past that though.

Ginsamae

Though I don't have issues with anxiety I do see how that might influence your thinking.

I know that DH suffered with feeling disrespectful of his mother by checking on her finances behind her back, contacting loved ones about her condition behind her back, etc. I reminded him of the reasons he was doing these things - out of love and respect for the mother he once had - and not for any malevolent purpose.

sunnydove

Sounds like this is more of an issue for you than it is for him. You definitely need to reframe the way you think about it. It's not disrespect, in fact it's the exact opposite. You are showing such love and selflessness taking care of him. The decisions you will have to make that may stress him out of make you feel like you're being disrespectful are all for his welfare and safety. 

I was really worried about the day I'd have to tell my mom she could no longer drive, but I was SO incredibly fortunate that it never happened. I came to take care of her and did ALL the driving. After many months of not driving she became scared of the idea. In the beginning she'd say she wanted to take driving lessons because it had been awhile. Now whenever we go to the car she says, "I don't want to drive" because she knows she has no idea. Hopefully this happens for you. 

The times I've had to do something that she might feel offended by like bringing in a caregiver, I frame it as a favor for me. "Oh Mom, I know you don't need someone to take care of you. I just feel so bad leaving you alone and want you to have some company. Otherwise I feel so bad that you might get lonely!" You could even phrase the car thing along the same lines. Tell him these are his golden years and he deserves to be waited on hand and foot so you want to do all the driving, cooking, bills, etc so he can just relax. Tell him he's earned it! 

You really are doing an amazing thing for your grandfather and he's lucky to have you. Hang in there! 

HeartOnSleeve2210

Sunnydove

Thank you! I appreciate the kind words! As of right now, my Grandfather has no problems with me driving them everywhere, but he wants to hang onto at least one car key in case there's an emergency. He's former law enforcement, and anxiety disorders run on both sides of my family. Either me or my GM is always with him, if I'm not there, my GM is, and if she isn't, I am. He's still very lucid, and at most his short term memory is the worst. He has no problem letting me drive though. I might try what you suggested! Thank you!