Handling LO wanting to live alone

bbw

Hi, my Mom's partner of 40 years (and caregiver for 3) was suddenly unable to care for her any longer 3 weeks ago and has moved out of their shared home and I have moved in with my Mom as a result of this until I figure out what to do permanently.

Mom was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago with Alz, but it is mild to medium I think. She hasn't lived alone in 40 years and is grieving the loss of her partner. This is so hard because her partner is angry and won't talk to her at this point. I think eventually this will change and hopefully Mom will get some closure.

She is constantly giving me good reasons, but how do I handle her questions? She wants me to go back to my home 4 hours away and leave her here in this condo. She keeps saying there are plenty of people older than her that live alone here and still drive. Although she takes care of herself fairly well she cannot cook and doesn't remember to take her medicine. And after 40 years I don't think it is possible that she could live alone. How do I handle her questions? She gets that I just keep putting her off.

Thanks for any advice. 

M1

Hi bbw and welcome.  I know there are so many other aspects to your dilemma, but:  the big one that jumps out (and this is frequent with new folks) is the driving.  There is likely no way this should still be going on--and believe me I know, because it's a battle here in our home constantly.  While you've got other things to think about too--the meds, the finances, etc.--the driving is the one that puts everyone else at risk besides herself.  And that's the difference--not to mention it could have huge financial consequences, above and beyond the safety issues.  If she were to have a wreck--even one that is not her fault--if she can't remember what happened, she wouldn't be able to testify in her own defense and could be held liable for everything she has.  So please put that one at the top of your list.

Others will chime in as well.  Good luck, and I'm sorry--I can only imagine how painful this is for you and your mother both.

Cynbar

You can't expect her to understand her limitations, her brain is broken and it's not going to happen. You have to be the parent now, analyze her finances and make a safe plan for her, then strategize on how to put it into effect. Generally it's recommended to avoid arguments at all costs, stop trying to reason with her and don't expect her to be realistic. It's very hard, the old rules have all changed, but many of us have been there and it can be done. Try to deflect her questions as much as you can. Tell her you're staying "for awhile", change the subject, be as vague as possible. Agree with her when you can, sympathize with all the changes in her life. Make a plan, then present it to her ---- involve her very little (if at all) in the details , she can't process it and it will just upset her. All this may sound dishonest, but it's done out of kindness. And make sure you have the legal documents in place including will and durable power of attorney, a certified elder law attorney can handle that for you so you have the legal authority to get things done. Good luck.

bbw

Thanks, don't worry she isn't living alone or driving. I'm just new to being with her and need help answering.

bbw

Thanks for your help. It is so hard not to try explaining it to her. I just have to keep reminding myself to sympathize and be vague and find a distraction.

Rick4407

Hello BBW.  I have found, and some others as well have found, that framing the issue differently really helps.   When my DW went to daycare, I framed it as she was a volunteer helping the people there.  It was very successful.  You could try a similar track to that, thanking her for helping you (or whoever is there) stay there.   I provided my wife frequent reminders of how much she was helping others.  Perhaps that would help to accept the company.  

You can also reference previous conversations, even if they did not happen.  "We talked about this and you are so nice to ......."  Good luck,  Rick  

abc123

The best answer to any of her questions is : whatever will bring her the most comfort. You know her best, you know what she will buy into. Your goal is to keep her safe, calm and clean. We call them fiblets, a nice way to lie. 

Good luck.