responding to LO who is not wanting to be in MC

MettaMM

A week ago, I moved my father from an independent living community to a memory care unit of another facility (the place where he was doesn't offer AL or MC). He definitely needs MC at this point, although he is high functioning relative to most people in his new situation. Whenever I visit or speak to him, he complains that "everyone here is crazy. I don't belong here." etc. Today he told me how he looked out his window and saw a woman sitting on a bench out in the "free air," and he can only go into a courtyard but he wants to be out there able to move around freely. He doesn't believe he has a problem that makes this place necessary, but he has "spells" where he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing, so this is what he needs for safety. 

I can use some advice on how to respond to these complaints and redirect him. It tends to trigger guilt feelings for me, so I need to be better prepared. Today I got him to agree to give it a month before evaluating the place. Also, when I was able to redirect and talk about other things, he told me that there are 3 women he can talk to, who are more on his level, and that they have lots of great activities there that he's been enjoying. And he already loves the man who runs the unit. But he keeps coming back over and over to how everyone is crazy, people are coming into his room, saying crazy things to him, etc. What have you all found to be helpful in responding to this kind of situation? I know I made the right choice, but it's really hard! This is where he needs to be to be safe, and it's actually a really nice place with terrific staff, and we're lucky to be able to afford it. I just want to help him settle in and accept it, but maybe I just have to accept that he may continue to feel that way. 

Thanks!

LicketyGlitz

Metta, we didn't go through this so I'll leave the really good advice to the folks who can speak from experience, I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and your dad, and I understand the guilt. I don't think any of us get through this journey without multiple episodes of guilt-ridden angst. I don't know if it helps your to know we all wade through it, but I hope so.

Hang in there! It sounds like you've done the right thing, but that doesn't make it easy.

MN Chickadee

It's going to take time. A week is nothing when it comes to the adjustment to MC. My mother took 4 weeks to stop talking like that and asking to go home, and finally around 8 weeks she started to seem content. Find the right therapeutic fib. We blamed it on the doctor.  Maybe the the doctor wants you to stay here a little while to _________(insert whatever will fly. Improve your memory, your blood pressure, that bad hip, get stronger, get your blood sugar stable, etc.)  Or maybe there is a problem with the previous home. The old apartment doesn't have heat or water, you should stay where you are until it's fixed. Eventually he will quit asking and will forget he wants to leave. Use the right fiblet, divert, distract to treats or activities or bird watching or whatever.  Visit with treats to distract. In the beginning I only visited right before one of their activities which would give me a good distraction when I needed to re-direct and slip out.  Don't call it permanent. Usually saying the move is temporary is the most kind thing to do. I know you don't like it there, I hear you. I understand, I'm sorry/ Maybe next week you can go home. Always next week.  Rinse and repeat. I know it's hard. Moving my mother to MC was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your feelings are pretty typical. Just take it one day at a time. Keep your head up. It's ok to let his calls go to voicemail now and then if you just can't take it anymore. The facility staff would call you if something was urgent. It sounds like you have found a good place for him that will be a good fit once he settles in. Just give it time. Try to rest knowing he is in a safe place, and wait out this difficult couple of weeks.