Snapped

jile

Hi. My MIL has Alzheimers and lives with my husband and I. I don't know what stage, but most people do not realize something is wrong. She is going to be moving to an independent living facility connected to memory care. I'm not sure how this will work, as she cannot make a pot of coffee and nearly burned down the house with a bag of popcorn in the microwave. She will never take responsibility for any of her actions/behaviors, but that may just be part of her personality. She has a small, 14 YO dog that needs to go to the bathroom frequently or she will go on the carpet. I've tried explaining this to her and she just gets angry and tells me to let her take care of her dog her way. It's extremely difficult for me to deal with this, as I feel it is (unintended) abuse. Yesterday, she asked if she could help with something and I said, "yes, please take Bella out", She said she didn't need to go and I lost it. I said, somewhat loudly, that Bella had not been outside since before 7 a.m. and it was 1:30 p.m. We had a few additional words and haven't talked since. I feel incredibly guilty, but I'm at the breaking point. I do try to take her out whenever I can, but my MIL will try to intervene or get made at me for doing it. When she moves in to the expensive, brand new apartment, she intends to make Bella use puppy pads so she won't have to take her outside. I know I should not have raised my voice, but I'm working FT from our home and am around her almost 24/7. I need to make this right, but I don't know if I have it in me to talk with her about this again. Thanks for letting me vent and any suggestions. Jill

DrinaJGB

Somewhere between toddler and defiant teen lies your MIL's behavior. You cannot expect her to have empathy or insight now. You are the one who has to keep calm and carry on no matter how difficult it may be. There is no reasoning with an AD patient. The only one to reason with is yourself and realize she no longer has the executive skills to cope as you do. She is not doing these things to p-ss you off--it's just the way her brain functions. Yelling will get you nowhere. Neither will crying, pouting or stomping of feet. or slamming doors--it only makes you feel worse. It is a new world now, and you are the adult. Good luck.

Minmay8

Hugs to you. My husband, daughter and I live with my mom to take care of her, and I'm the main caregiver She has a 12 year old dog who has been utterly spoiled. She feeds him most of anything she eats. It drives me nuts because I've worked in veterinary hospitals and know how unhealthy people food can be. Not only that but unhealthy for her because she feeds him with her hands and eats after him. I try to discourage that whenever I can but she keeps doing it. She gets upset when I put him in a different room when she eats because then she has to eat it all herself. I even give her smaller and smaller portions so that she will not have to give some away. I have felt animosity towards the dog even though it isn't his fault. 

jile

Thank you. I appreciate the reminder.

jile

Thank you. We have the same food issues as well - super frustrating. Good to know I'm not alone.

Arrowhead

Most of us snap at least once during the course of care giving. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just try to keep calm no matter what and try to not do it again.

loveskitties

You mention that she will be using puppy pads in the new place.  Perhaps you could start that now...save your carpets and frustration.

fav-dil

Jile - I feel for you. My MIL with Alzheimer's has lived with my husband and I and our 13 year old son for 3.5 years now. We both work from home but my husband is in an office over the detached garage, so I'm inside with her all day long. She also has a dog that adds another layer to the daily struggle as she does not recognize or admit that she no longer has the capacity to care for her dog, let alone herself and becomes furious if any of us try to help, especially at me as her DIL. A caseworker at the ALZ association warned me that as the DIL, I will always be the target. Give yourself some grace. It's obvious you care deeply for your MIL and your family and dog and want what's best. 

This morning my MIL insisted that her dog did not have to be on a leash to walk him and that I was trying to harm him when putting on his harness and leash. This is an ongoing struggle.

When I have responded with anger I too want to make it right, but I've learned that my MIL just does not have the capacity to understand or the ability to 'talk through' anything. She responds to moods best, so sometimes I have to walk away, calm myself down, let her calm down and then next time I see her, smile and act like nothing happened, because likely to her, she doesn't remember. 

And the bad/good news of your experience this morning is that it will likely happen again & again but you will have a chance to respond differently each time. And there is no perfect answer so be kind to yourself.

jile

Thank you all, so very much!

Iris L.

jile wrote:

Hi. My MIL has Alzheimers .   She is going to be moving to an independent living facility connected to memory care. 

I'm not sure how this will work, as she cannot make a pot of coffee and nearly burned down the house with a bag of popcorn in the microwave. 

Did she have an entry interview?  When I first joined this board many years ago, wonderful caregiver members told me to stop using the stove, because I was forgetting and leaving pots to burn.  But I don't have AD.  See below.

 

She will never take responsibility for any of her actions/behaviors, but that may just be part of her personality. 

She has anosognosia.  This is a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD (person with demrntia) to be unaware of having dementia and limitations.  They truly believe they are fine.  If you try to correct them, they will resist and get upset.  So don't confront.  Learn work-arounds from the members.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.  Read the Home Safety section in alz.org.  Disable the stove and microwave.  She needs to live in an appropriate level of care, with supervision and safety in mind.  You can learn about this from the members.

You are stressed because you don't know that this is "normal" for dementia.  The family, which is your husband or the POA, needs to get ahead of care needs and anticipate.  

IMO, and this is not the popular opinion, all dogs and pets that cannot be properly cared for should be rehomed.  I have five cats, and as long as I am able to care for them, I'm good.  But if and when I can't, they will be rehomed.  I had two rabbits and rabbits require more care than cats.  I couldn't handle them.   In fact the first rabbit died so when I found the second rabbit, I immediately called Rabbit Rescue and made arrangements to rehome Tippy.

Keep posting.  Best wishes.

Iris L.

Elshack

I think it will be necessary for you to mention to the people who are in charge of independent living that your MIL has these challenges. She may have to go to the assisted living section. It would be disastrous if she started a fire in her apartment using the stove etc.

towhee

Will she have access to a dining area that will serve three meals a day and snacks and keeps coffee available? Is she able to prepare food at all now? Alzheimers progresses, you and the facility will have to monitor her microwave use capability and may have to cut the microwave off. I recommend additional fire alarms and a video monitor if at all possible.

Cwhill

I am seeing a therapist now because I feel so guilty that sometimes spoke to my mother harshly or in an elevated tone. If you are doing this frequently then your  situation needs to change somehow or else you will later have trouble feeling more guilty about becoming upset. I feel I shouldn't be giving advice because I failed in so many ways as a caretaker.

kmasen_act2

She's still in the very early stages of ALZ. There's a theory called "GEMS Brain Change Model" by Teepa Snow. It's based on the Allen Cognitive Scale. It utilizes 6 gemstones to explain the process of the brain changing in Dementia. Check it out on YouTube, from the sounds of it, your mother might be progressing into the Diamond stage: very mentally with it, but relies on routine and structure.

Donjalar

Thank you for this post, i have similar  situation, even with a  dog.

jile

Iris L. wrote:

jile wrote:

Hi. My MIL has Alzheimers .   She is going to be moving to an independent living facility connected to memory care. 

 

I'm not sure how this will work, as she cannot make a pot of coffee and nearly burned down the house with a bag of popcorn in the microwave. 

 

Did she have an entry interview?  When I first joined this board many years ago, wonderful caregiver members told me to stop using the stove, because I was forgetting and leaving pots to burn.  But I don't have AD.  See below.

 Hi Iris. Yes, she did have an interview, but I think we will need to give them an update.

 

She will never take responsibility for any of her actions/behaviors, but that may just be part of her personality. 

She has anosognosia.  This is a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD (person with demrntia) to be unaware of having dementia and limitations.  They truly believe they are fine.  If you try to correct them, they will resist and get upset.  So don't confront.  Learn work-arounds from the members.

 This makes sense and I need to remind myself of this.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.  Read the Home Safety section in alz.org.  Disable the stove and microwave.  She needs to live in an appropriate level of care, with supervision and safety in mind.  You can learn about this from the members.

You are stressed because you don't know that this is "normal" for dementia.  The family, which is your husband or the POA, needs to get ahead of care needs and anticipate.  

IMO, and this is not the popular opinion, all dogs and pets that cannot be properly cared for should be rehomed.  I have five cats, and as long as I am able to care for them, I'm good.  But if and when I can't, they will be rehomed.  I had two rabbits and rabbits require more care than cats.  I couldn't handle them.   In fact the first rabbit died so when I found the second rabbit, I immediately called Rabbit Rescue and made arrangements to rehome Tippy.

I can't take her dog from her, but try to take her out when I can, without upsetting my MIL. I know she truly loves her, I will just need to get better at getting her outside when I can. 

Keep posting.  Best wishes.

 Thank you so much for your input - I truly value your and other's advice.

Iris L.

jile

Arrowhead wrote:

Most of us snap at least once during the course of care giving. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just try to keep calm no matter what and try to not do it again.

Thank you!

jile

towhee wrote:

Will she have access to a dining area that will serve three meals a day and snacks and keeps coffee available? Is she able to prepare food at all now? Alzheimers progresses, you and the facility will have to monitor her microwave use capability and may have to cut the microwave off. I recommend additional fire alarms and a video monitor if at all possible.

Hi Towhee. Yes, she will have access to one meal per day. We plan to see her frequently and bring food also. She makes a bagel every morning and will snack on things I have in the fridge (yogurt, leftovers). She has also attempted to cook earlier on, but doesn't anymore. I'm not sure how the monitoring will work, so we need to inquire. Thank you!

jile

Cwhill wrote:

I am seeing a therapist now because I feel so guilty that sometimes spoke to my mother harshly or in an elevated tone. If you are doing this frequently then your  situation needs to change somehow or else you will later have trouble feeling more guilty about becoming upset. I feel I shouldn't be giving advice because I failed in so many ways as a caretaker.

Hi Cwhill. Your advice is exactly what I need. Thank you!

jile

kmasen_act2 wrote:

She's still in the very early stages of ALZ. There's a theory called "GEMS Brain Change Model" by Teepa Snow. It's based on the Allen Cognitive Scale. It utilizes 6 gemstones to explain the process of the brain changing in Dementia. Check it out on YouTube, from the sounds of it, your mother might be progressing into the Diamond stage: very mentally with it, but relies on routine and structure.

Kmasen_act2. Thank you! I truly appreciate this.

GolfnutCA

I snap almost every day.  My wife is 54 and now has progressed to the moderate stage. Tonight we were out to dinner and she wanted to get ice cream afterwards.  I told her she needed to wear a mask and she kept pulling it down.  The staff kept asking her to put it back on.  After we left I told her she needed to wear a mask because even though we were vaccinated we could still be carriers.  She just couldn't get it.  I snapped.  Like I snap every single day.  This is super difficult and I just wish it was over so I could move on with my life and experience joy again.

jile

GolfnutCA wrote:

I snap almost every day.  My wife is 54 and now has progressed to the moderate stage. Tonight we were out to dinner and she wanted to get ice cream afterwards.  I told her she needed to wear a mask and she kept pulling it down.  The staff kept asking her to put it back on.  After we left I told her she needed to wear a mask because even though we were vaccinated we could still be carriers.  She just couldn't get it.  I snapped.  Like I snap every single day.  This is super difficult and I just wish it was over so I could move on with my life and experience joy again.

Morning GolfnutCA. I can't imagine what you and your wife are going through. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you are able to get some help and a break from time to time. 

RanchersWife

Resistance to care while covered with poop is my trigger. I know all the tricks and what I SHOULD do. I just get frantic when she won’t cooperate. I let her do everything else she wants...pace, stare at me, clap at me,.. My job is to keep her clean and healthy and safe.

Iris L.

GolfnutCA wrote:

She just couldn't get it.  

If your wife has Alzheimer's Disease, she won't get it.  You have to learn work-arounds  from the members.  

Iris L.

Iris L.

RanchersWife wrote:

Resistance to care while covered with poop is my trigger. I know all the tricks and what I SHOULD do. I just get frantic when she won’t cooperate. I let her do everything else she wants...pace, stare at me, clap at me,.. My job is to keep her clean and healthy and safe.