Taking Charge

Whyzit

I read this today in “Daily Comforts for Caregivers “ by Pat Samples.

“When I’ve had to take charge of some areas of my loved one’s life, he doesn’t want to let go, even when he can’t manage anymore. He’s used to being in charge. Sometimes I have to be strong and insist.

I can understand why he wants to maintain control, but it is not feasible now. When he resists, I tend to back off, not wanting to hurt his feelings or to argue with him. But then matters don’t get handled that need handling. Problems mount and I worry. I know he’ll never be able to take care of these matters himself and eventually I’ll have to do them. I’ll also have to clean up all the problems that happen in the meantime. As hard as it might be, if it’s time I take charge, it’s time. I will set the limits and tell him so. I can ask friends or professionals for encouragement and support, but I will be the one to do it. If I don’t, the long term cost is too high. He might be upset at first, but I trust that he will adjust in time.

I take charge of what I need to take charge of.”

Stuck in the middle

That is very good.  Thank you.

Ed1937

As hard as it might be to do, that was excellent.

Beachfan

Whyzit,

I can totally relate to that passage.  There was a time I worried about DH losing his independence or enabling him in many areas. No more.  I find it so much easier and more sensible, to me, to step in and take charge, consequences be damned.  We follow a routine, my routine, and like it or not, he complies.  I realize it could all go south in a New York minute and he could punch my lights out, but for now it’s working.  Right now, I need to excuse myself.  It’s shower time; gotta’ stick to that schedule.   (I think it’s harder on me than him.) Good luck all!  

sandwichone123

This is an old thread, but it was very timely for me today, and I hope it can help someone else as well.

l7pla1w2

I think it doesn't have to be black and white. I gradually took over what DW had always handled. It can start with some variant of:

• "Can I help with that?"
• "Let me help with that."
• "Would you like help with that?"
• Silently provide help.

In the end you are in charge.

Helen Jean

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband of almost 63 years is at a stage 9 according to the doctor. But I wasn’t prepared for such a fast change. I like you have found taking charge and have routine for his daily needs, from bathing to eating. He is having a hard time staying g awake and making it to the bathroom on time. This seems to have happened in the past 2 weeks. My daughters want me to look at a home for him ( I just can’t go there) or to have someone come in to help with him and so I can get out to run errands etc.) I may have to do the later but will put it off as long as I can. We live in a 55+ community, moving here when he started to have some problems 3 years ago. It was a good move but I feel like I am confined to my room. He is a wonderful husband and father and it hurts to watch him fade away. He knows when something is going on here and brings it up wanting to go. I don’t want to because I am afraid something could happen that would embarrass him. Maybe you haven’t gotten here yet but I would like to keep up with you.

sandwichone123

Helen, if your daughters are seeing the need for placement, it's a good time to start looking at the places and caregiver services in your area. If a crisis arises, you will be much more able to make good decisions if you know what the facilities in your area look like. Your daughters may be seeing things you are too close to see, but knowledge is power so understanding what the options are can only help.

Bunny whisperer

Helen, I understand how you feel with putting your DH in a home or caregivers coming in, but please dont wait to long to have some help coming in. I ended up with an ulcer from all the stress of caregiving. We have been married almost 38 years and I have found that not having help is just more stressful on you than it needs to be.