My Mom has later stages Alzheimer's

Istoppedescaping

Hello,

I haven't been on here for a long time. I have always gotten great advice in the past and am so grateful. I need some advice, if someone can kindly respond with experience on my question. I would really appreciate it.

Sorry I get emotional when I ask for help. Okay so My Mom is in her later stages of Alzheimer's, she is 85 and in a Nursing Home. Since Covid I can only see her once a week and it's for 25 minutes. I go with my Dad as well. The question is, it seems like my Mom doesn't recognize us. It's been going on for two months now. My Dad realized it before I did. So this is what happens when we visit. She comes down in her wheelchair with her mask of course. She stairs at us in confusion. My Dad starts singing and talking to her in a joking matter. He laughs and keeps asking her questions, he also feeds her some foods that she used to like. After about 10 minutes she starts laughing and humming and it seems like she is feeling comfortable. My Dad then shows her some old pictures and asks her questions like, who is this, this is you, this is your son, daughter etc. She then repeats everything he says, like our names and more funny sayings. It's like she remembers us now!. So I and my Dad, both start singing and laughing together with my Mom. The really sad part is then my Mom starts to get sad, she closes her eyes like she wants to cry but no tears come out. We say our good byes and she then goes back in the nursing home.

MMy question is; our we torturing her by helping her remember and then we leave her? Second question, is my thinking wrong? I use to believe she was so far gone that she doesn't know what is going on and who anyone is as well.

loveskitties

My father is not so nearly far along, and he does not remember family relationships...he remembers friendly faces.

At her stage, asking her if she remembers people, places or things might be upsetting...since she can't.  If you want to share pictures, try saying "and this is Jane" or "that is us" or the like.  Don't ask her, tell her.

If she seems sad after a while, it may not be sadness but just her mind not able to process any more activity.  It is so hard to know what they may or may not be able to comprehend and for how long.

It may be that she closes her eyes because she is tired.

Cynbar

Your mom may be sad because she realizes, on some level, all that she has forgotten. I think the singing and laughing you do with her is lovely, many PWD can sing along to all the old songs even when their short term memory is totally gone. Showing her family pictures is fine, but please stop quizzing her about who is in the pictures. You are probably making her feel like she is failing a test, and reminding her that she should know the answers but does not. Let your visits just be about spending time together, smiling, laughing. Any questions that put pressure on her should stop. I think this is done more for the family's benefit, because you so badly want her to remember you and shared memories. Wishing for it is not going to make it happen.

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harshedbuzz

ISE-

It's probably not a great idea for your dad to be asking questions- especially if they're of the "remember when?" variety or are related to even simple decisions like "do you want to visit here or go outside?" at this point.

The singing or playing music from her youth is a terrific idea. My dad didn't so much related to photographs as his visual processing tanked in the later stages. YMMV. 

The shut eyes may be fatigue from the visit. I noticed my dad closed his eyes when he'd hit sensory overload. She may be more comfortable with you just holding her hand or brushing her hair.

HB

robinja

I don’t have any good answers for you because I am trying to figure this out myself. My mom is at the stage where she sometimes remembers me and my brothers, sometimes not. But she always wants to know who we are and how we are related to her. Although she is initially happy to see us when we visit, it often goes downhill from there - sometimes it seems like she gets sad because she can’t remember her life, and other times she gets angry/sad because she feels abandoned. I’ve had positive responses from her when we sing together, but one time when we sang a song she loves, she started sobbing. I am sorry you are going through this, and I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in your struggles. We’re all doing the best we can to love them and keep them safe.  It is hard to know what to do to make the most of our visits with them.

Istoppedescaping

HI Lovesskittles,

I Really wish I would go on here more often. I have told my Dad not to Ask so many questions but he is a stubborn man and selfish. I know it is wrong. I am actually going to start going alone again. See I kind of fell into being my Dad's caretaker and that's why we go together. Thanks for the reminder and response. It's nice to know she is just tired and not sad. My Dad asks a lot of questions. Thanks  for the reminder and tip with the pictures, I will do that when I go alone tomorrow. Hang in there and Thanks again. 

Istoppedescaping

HI Cynbar,

I agree totally. But my family let's just say we are Italian or a special breed. I am putting it lightly. My Dad will not listen to anything I say. I have told him repeatly to stop asking her questions. So like I told Lovesskittles, I am going to start going alone. I am so thankful for your reminders and wish you the best. Thank you

Istoppedescaping

Hi Harshedbuzz,

Thanks and I totally agree. My Dad will never get it or listen to me. He actually asks if she wants to come home with him. Again this just reinforces I will go alone. Can you believe my Sister, explains the Coronavirus to her! I stopped going with my Sister a long time ago. Thanks .

Istoppedescaping

Hi Robinja,

Thank you so much. You are so right we are just trying to do our best. I am also sorry you are going through this as well. I would like to send you an invite so we are not alone and can chat again. Thanks again.

Istoppedescaping

Victoria2020 wrote:

The PWD has a clock that can be today, yesterday, 5,10,50 years ago. You know the history- they just have their current now- whatever year that is . It is pointless to try to move their dial and as others said, can make them feel as if they have failed or just plain sad.

I think of it as time travel, and just go along, have no choice, so today I'm in their 1965 with sprinkles of the 1980's.  Tomorrow , who knows. So I look for a fun story or memory in what they say  from where they are today.

 Beats dwelling on the losses of the real today.

Amen to that! Thank you for your response.

Istoppedescaping

I Love that, just let them be who they are now and not try to change anything. Thanks