I may need a Fiblet soon. But it needs to be better than the truth.

John2.0.1

My mom got her Geriatric psych staff to call me today so she could talk.

She wanted to know how to see her husband (my dad). She had forgotten that he died a bit over 2 years ago. I reminded her that dad had died. She didn't really remember. Then she asked if she had another husband. I said no. Just dad.

Then she asked to talk to her son. I said "Mom, it's me!" She said "Oh good!!"

So my problem. If she keeps asking about my dad, her husband, what's best? They were married 55 years until he died. She didn't seem terribly upset to be reminded but until recently she has grieved about him almost every day. I don't want to cause her pain.

But if I give a fiblet that he's at home, he's traveling, he had to move to live with his brother, she could easily be even more sad that he isn't visiting her. If I say he's sick she could just worry.

I'm having a hard time if a fiblet is better than the truth.

When I reminded her that he had died she didn't seem very upset. She just didn't remember.

robinja

Hi, John. My family is in a similar situation except my Dad died just 8 months ago. We were initially telling her the truth every time she asked, but we’re trying the fiblets now. I need to work on my delivery - I’ve never had much of a poker face. As I understand it, most PWD are living in the past so I am trying to come up with answers that match up with her version of reality. Not always easy. My dad worked long hours, so saying he’s at work or at the store should theoretically work. On her birthday a group of us visited her, and I had pre-decided that if she asked about Dad, I would tell her that he went to get ice (very typical for him.) it worked like a charm. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Lindsay22

I've learned to keep things less specific.  Instead of saying he's at the store maybe try "he can't be here right now" or, depending on your beliefs, "he's not with us right now but we'll see him soon".

kmasen_act2

I do this a lot, unfortunately, it will only get worse as the disease progresses.  Your fiblet will come from knowing your parents.  For example, did Dad work for a living?  What did he do?  If he did work for a living, you could say something like "Oh he's still at work."  Don't give her specifics, just give her enough information to satisfy her. 

You could also use it to distract her.  Going on my previous example, you could say "tell me more about what Dad does for a living!"  That will distract her until you can change subjects.

Donjalar

I like that approach

BethMimi

When my dad was alive he worked at the Naval Research Lab in DC.  When mom would ask where he was sometimes I would say non-chalantly, Oh, he's still at the Lab.  This seemed to satisfy her for the time being and I didn't have to remind her that he died ten years ago.  Every one is different and this is jus an example of what worked for us.  I came up with good answers to various things like this as time went on and would immediately segue into something else to distract her.  For us it never has to be a big lie or fib, just a quick response.  When she talks about how her mother is sick at home I will say how sorry I am to hear that and then, Hey! do you see those flowers over there?  Sneaky, sneaky I know.

Regina312

Fiblets will become your way of life.  Don't feel guilty.  They ease the pain and sadness for both of you.  My mom no longer knew who I was, but knew of me.  She talked to me about me.  It was heartbreaking. She said she didn't know what happened to me.  I would have conversations with her about me and told her that her daughter had to relocate for business and that she would visit again soon.  My Mom was always happy with that answer and would say, oh yes I think she told me that.  I would show her a picture of us and she would smile.  (She had very bad eyes also - legally blind in one eye), but the picture brought her some comfort, even though she probably couldn't really see it.   There is no right or wrong.  You try things until you find some communication that works for you and your family.  I wish you well.

John2.0.1

Not too many visits ago she thought I was her husband and not her son. She was making advances toward me. It was really disturbing and icky. She wasn't listening to me. In some delusion I guess.

Fortunately it hasn't happened again.