Only children come in

Lindsay22

This came up in another thread so I thought I would start a new topic about being an only child and caregiver.  My parents divorced when I was very young and my dad is remarried. It was a bad divorce and they were terrible co-parents. My mom has been on her own since my stepfather died 14 years ago.  I am her only child.  My husband is supportive and I'm so grateful to have a partner but sometimes it is just SO hard to feel like you bear the whole responsibility alone.  I know that many people have problems with their siblings and caregiving and that nothing is perfect but I so wish I had someone to say "what do you think?" and "what should WE do?" I've tried to talk with my dad about how difficult this is for me too and while expressing understanding I know he really doesn't want to have anything to do with my mom.  It has brought back a lot of childhood stuff for me too, feeling like I was the parent instead of the kid, having to mediate between them etc.  My mom is moving to MC this week and I am so anxious.  I hope that once she is there and settled I will feel a little relief. 

Are there other only children out there?

harshedbuzz

I'm kinda, sorta an only. My only sibling, dad's favorite and his mini-me, died at 33. Her death actually precipitated the onset of one of his dementias. 

My parents remained married until he died so my mom was responsible for making decisions but needed a lot from me in terms of researching and coaxing to the point I picked his MCF and made the call when to place him. As heartless as it sounds, it was easier for me to navigate protecting my parents without a sibling who would likely have had vastly different priorities. I could see her attempting an end-run around Medicaid planning for instance or "keeping dad happy" by allowing him to drive. 

That said, I got a lot of sibling interference from their sibs. Dad's brother pissed in my ear that he didn't believe dad was "far enough gone for MC" (dad died less than 2 months after placement) , that I should have placed my parents in a CCRC that has a 6 figure entrance fee (after dad lost $350K day trading early in the disease) and that he needed a TV in his room (when TV triggered terrifying delusions). Mom's sister tried to argue with me over continuing androgen deprivation therapy for a prostate recurrence; we were trying to avoid metastatic bone cancer or swelling that interfered with bladder emptying but auntie saw it has "drawing this out for my mother". 


FWIW, the weeks leading up to and the day of placement were as hard on my heart as anything I have ever done in my life. Once dad settled in a bit, things were so much better. Or relationship even improved to the point where he was happy to see me and I could see something of the sweet little boy his ancient aunties raved about.

My advice would be to have someone with you for the rise home at the very least. Finding an IRL support group was helpful for me. I also had a dear friend whose mom had dementia and see and I would have 4 hour lunches that were critical to our sanity.

HB

anw123

I am also an only child and my dad has used a pending divorce with my mom to completely remove himself from the situation. 

I am still at the stage of trying to get my mom evaluated, but she is extremely paranoid and defensive and I feel totally lost at how to get her help. 

I too wish I had a sibling to help make decisions and have it not feel like it's all on me. Similarly, my husband is very supportive and his father has a genetic version of FTD so while he understands somewhat, the path for his family is very different than mine.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice, but I can empathize with your situation and know how difficult it can be. I began seeing a therapist and definitely recommend it! Just to be able to talk it out is helpful. I connected with a therapist through my company's free Employee Assistance Program and get 6 sessions for free, in case you have something similar available!