Someone asked me to give them information that would help caregivers for an article. So, I wrote the

Michael Ellenbogen

 Iris I also had issues with the Stove. Lucky I do not do much with it as I would have issues. But if I had to do it I would take a different approach. I would for one get one of the new ones that don’t get hot and also add safety features that can shut it down automatically. There are many things that can be done to still allow you to feel comfortable and safe. Most states have some kind of disability tech group that can give one all kind of ides on how to use technology to help with various disabilities. Some even offer it for free if one cannot afford it or a substantial discount.

Michael Ellenbogen

Jfkoc - When I had issues early on and no longer to do the financials I tried to turn over my system over to my wife to take it over. It made my life supper easy. This system was on my computer and it kept track of all my spending, assets and loans. It had anything about our life in one place and I could tell you anything 5 years back or longer in seconds or what was going to happen 15 year from now as it all kind of automatic reminders. While she was using it she quickly got tired of using it as she did not like it and trashed it. She said she would create a new way for herself. That is fine as we all do things our own way. Fast forward 10-year latter she still has nothing and she spend ours and ours a week searching for things and cant keep track of things that need to be done. She should have a big bold s on her head and it does not stand for superwoman. I will agree that my system was a pain because one must account for ever pent spent but it mane things completely accurate and one would know everting about their life and to never pay a duplicate bill or credit card charge. So instead of spending 1 hour a week on this she now spends hours and hours get frustrated and stressed over thing. She does the same sh-- over and over and expects different results.

 

She also wastes so much money because she kicks things down the road.

 

I wish I had an excuse to say she just does not have what it takes but this is a person who is very smart and did heart surgery. There are so many other examples I have seen about her and so many others. It comes down to caregiver’s who refuse to change and just like to complain. She tells me how stressed she is yet she is the one creating her own stress. 

dayn2nite2

Again, what a horrible way to speak about your supposed life partner.  So disrespectful.  If you think this way, why don't you relieve her of the burden of doing all that and hire someone to do it your way.

She is not your employee. You speak of her like some kind of servant.  If that's the way you feel, why are you even married?

Michael Ellenbogen

dayn2nite2 you always miss the point and total not surprised as you have the same issues. You think you know it all and refuse to want to learn. My wife ahs amuch better life then most and I only try to make it better for her.

dayn2nite2

Michael Ellenbogen wrote:

dayn2nite2 you always miss the point and total not surprised as you have the same issues. You think you know it all and refuse to want to learn. My wife ahs amuch better life then most and I only try to make it better for her.

This post just exhibits your lack of insight.  Her life is just as important as yours and she is not subject to your rule.  Why don't you have her come here and see how you disparage her?  

Why stay legally married to someone you don't respect?

Michael Ellenbogen

She reads these post. I dont hide anything from anyone.

Michael Ellenbogen

You are entitled to your opinion and you are so wrong in so many ways. We have great life but you keep missing that pont. 

loveskitties

Everyone is born with their own talents.  None of us is super great at everything life can bring our way.  Being unforgiving of the lack of ability in any area is not a good thing.  

While it is difficult to understand why they don't change in order to do better, compassion and looking for alternative solutions will get you further than mocking and insensitivity.

Being a caregiver is very stressful, when suddenly you are thrust into a world where you are now responsible to not only seeing to the health, safety and well being of another adult, but also taking on all the duties which were once shared.  A true caregiver does the best they can at any given moment under extreme physical and emotional circumstances.

Do we each cause some of our own stress because we don't make changes or decisions that others feel would help?  Sure we do, but that does not take away from the fact that we are doing the best we can...however lacking that may seem to another.  

Do we complain about the stress, of course we do.  That does not equate to "just likes to complain".  In most cases there is an underlying reason for not making changes, and it is often that the person feels they "should be able" to accomplish the task.  When they can't it lead to more stress and more complaining.  Offering positive alternatives is far more helpful than criticism.

Being the best in your field of expertise, does not translate to be so capable in all fields.  To expect it to be so, is not realistic. 

jfkoc

Heart surgery and bookkeeping require totally different skills. It probably is also a personality things.

Find someone else to do all those numbers and while they are at it they may suggest a different system.

Here is how we did it.

1. fixed items paid online when possible

2. agreed upon secondary items paid on line when possible

when not possible I paid with check or over the phone

3, remainder split....each could spend their money as they wished,,,no questions asked

Iris L.

The article is supposed to be about information to help caregivers from the title of this thread.  From the discussion, questions are being raised.  I don't have time to continue on this thread any more.  I have a dental appointment today and a cardiology appointment on Wednesday.  My brother is coming to visit and I have to prepare.  Also I have a plumbing problem and I have to take care of that.  

Micheal, it is not helpful to tell people they aren't doing a good job, even if they aren't. Point out diplomatically where they can improve or let it go.  That's what members do here all the time.  I always say that caregiving for PWDs is not intuitive, because what one would do for another disease process does not carry over into the world of dementia.  Everyone has to learn to do things differently.  PWDs who can, have to learn to do things differently.  I am doing a lot differently and I don't have AD.  Maybe you could focus on that--the need to learn to do things differently.  But not perfectly because nobody's perfect.

Gotta go!

Iris

Lemonwood

I understand the frustration.  It is hard for caregivers and hard for our loved PWD too but in different ways.  I am fairly new and have found Teepa Snow’s videos on YouTube to be very helpful in validating the frustrations as well as helping me figure out the best way to respond to my LO in a way that makes us both feel better.  This is not an us against them.  It’s so hard for everyone.  I am thankful for all the support, insights and suggestions of this group!

Michael Ellenbogen

Thanks to those who have responded to this as we all need to talk about thes and see it from both sides.

jfkoc

Heres an other one;

check each "med" for use and side effects then check for interactions....keep a record of when started, dose and stoppingd...drugs.com is goo but there are other sites on;ine

mommyandme (m&m)

The verbiage… “if they were smart” seems quite condescending to me.  I think it is degrading and offensive and in this forum full of caregivers…interesting tactic.  

I believe most caregivers are smart… except for the decision to give care to our demented LO   ( just kidding).  I presume you do not.  It’s hard to take advice from an apparent adversary cloaked as an advocate.  (I think that might be the word you were looking for). 

I hope the article author(s) has a caregiver’s heart.  

Michael Ellenbogen

And this is what the article turned into.

 

http://allansvann.blogspot.com/

 

Iris L.

It's a nice article, Michael.  I like the format with the caregiver's impression. 

Iris

Michael Ellenbogen

He was a very smart caregiver as I really got to know him and he became a great advocate for both sides. Its not to often that you run into people like him. He even knows how to deal with me which makes it so easy when I run into folks like that. You know they really have your back

Jack Z.

That's interesting...my wife has sun-afternooning.  Seriously.

That's when her anxiety and confusion becomes the worst.  Is this normal???

Michael Ellenbogen

Thats the worst time of the day for me and most of my friends. Beer helps me relax and siting out to wach the water.

Jenniferlbrandt

Thank you. I am just now taking care of my grandmother who has this disease and she def doesn’t think she has a problem or that anything’s wrong. I been doing so much research and I appreciate this! She’s not taking showers very good it’s impossible sometimes. I changed my approach this time by putting music on and making it light for her. She loves her music. But I don’t know if this will work every time. Any advice? I try to make sure my husband isn’t home as I noticed men bother her.

Iris L.

Welcome Jennifer.  Your grandmother has anosognosia.  She truly believes she is fine and will become upset if you try to convince her otherwise.  Please read about anosognosia, it will help you.  You will get more responses if you start your own thread with what you have written.  Go to the main Caregiver page and click on "Add Topic".  A new page will open up for you.  Best wishes.

Iris

Michael Ellenbogen

Find a way to make it fun. If she is shy you may need to take other steps.