I Miss My Mom!

CJJE

I cared for my mom for three years before I made the decision to place her in a skilled nursing facility. The transition was rough for both of us, but she adjusted shortly after entrance, and now she is pretty content.

However, we are officially in stage 7, and all that comes with this stage has been quite overwhelming to process. Her need to eat is no longer. Aspiration and dysphasia are more frequent. She is steadily losing weight. Her use of expressive language is extremely limited. She no longer recognizes me. She looks so weak and frail. I cry every time I visit her. Since I can’t have a meaningful verbal conversation with her, I just say “Hi” and hold her hand or rub her head or sit with her and her baby doll I gave her for Christmas. It’s just surreal that the end seems to be so near. It’s quite bizarre. 

I already miss her. I’ve been missing her for a while now. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she is physically gone. When she goes, my sense of home goes. How do you cope with that sense of lostness? How do you deal with that kind of heartache? How do you comfort others in the process while all you want to do is be alone and cry?

MimiMinder

I was moved by your post and wanted to share a few thoughts. Your mother continues to be blessed by having such a loving son, even if she can no longer have a conversation. I wonder, though, if you have some things that you want to share with her. You could just start talking about favorite memories or things that you wanted to thank her for or be sure she knows. Maybe that might feel less sad than sitting in silence. Maybe you could play some music that has always been a favorite. 

Several years ago I went to counseling to deal with the anticipatory grief. My mother was still here, but she wasn't 'the same' mother. I ended up thinking about my mom in two parts - before Alz and then with Alz - and I stopped expecting the 'new mom' to act like the old one. That helped. Plus being on this forum helped me feel not so alone and it allowed me to have conversations with other people who truly understand what I am going through.

Please keep coming back and reaching out. You are not alone!

dayn2nite2

I'm sorry you're in this part of the journey.  I will say that when my mom could not talk any longer, she seemed to enjoy hearing me chatter about whatever, the weather, the season, old memories, etc.  There were times when I felt like silence was better, but I would generally hold her hand and chatter or just hold her hand if she was sleeping.  I think the best care is whatever the person needs in that moment and if just sitting and holding her hand is what she needs, then you are doing the very best for her.  Is she on hospice?  They do offer a social worker and you can talk to him/her about what you're going through too.  

DrinaJGB

I
am so sorry you are going through this loss. The only thing I really have to compare it to is when my DH was in a comatose state on life support for weeks due to a deadly virus which attacked his brain. I would sit with him all day and talk to him or play his favorite music our daughter had made for him to let him know I was there. I would wash his hair, and move his legs like the PT taught me, and I would mostly just sit quietly and hold his hand.

 When he awoke weeks later and was weaned off the vent, he said he remembered me being there beside him even though his brain was so ravaged and his memory was so damaged. SO I am guessing that your mom knows you are with her, and that one thing is what brings her the most comfort.

PaniniSandwich

I am so sorry you are going through this. Maybe try, when you are sitting with her, to tell her some of your favorite stories of the two of you together using the phrases and words she used to use. You know like, "hi mom it's me ___, I'm your ___ and we used to have such fun together. We would ....... At the very least it will give you a chance to tell her about something that you loved doing with her. 

It is all so very hard, and honestly, you don't need to comfort anyone else. You do what you need to for you. Sit with her, hold her hand, soak all of her in, she is there.

Stuck in the middle

You have some good advice above.  When my mother could no longer speak more than a word or two and could hear little of what I said, she loved my visits and holding my hands while I talked about whatever.

I will just add that you will always miss her, but it will get easier as time goes on.  As time passes, you will think less frequently of the bad times at the end and more frequently of the good times you had together.  In fact, I suggest you try thinking of those times now.