He did it again

Quilting brings calm

It’s 1AM.  I  am wide  awake.  I’m supposed to be sleeping in preparation for an overnight visit with a friend tomorrow and  a craft festival Saturday. My spouse is off on a well deserved trip of his own for several days, so I was looking forward to the visit with my friend and then a quiet few days in my sewing room 

Here’s how today went:  left the house at 9:30, picked  up the parents at assisted living  for doctor visits. Did that. Had a chat with the doctor in private regarding my need to pull back some from their care ( ruining my marriage and my sanity)  and  about some of Dads stubborn and callous behavior - which the doctor saw today. Dad supposedly doesn’t have dementia.  Doctor thought mom was doing much better cognitively after 6 weeks on the antidepressant mirtrazipine. Doctor ordered blood work and X-rays on Mom because of her back pain,

So we went to lunch and then got X-rays.  Then took them to the phone store because Dad wanted a new flip phone.  Dropped them off at 4, and then went home. Tried to rest- my knee is bone on bone. Got the X-ray results, communicated with my sister for about an hour on those - she’s an expert on back medical terms. Ate a snack, did some sewing. Forgot to eat supper. 

Here’s the bad part/ got a call from  my stepbrother at 9.  Dad( actually he is my stepdad) made a pass at my step brothers girlfriend at my step brothers house yesterday. This type of behavior is nothing new.  Done it all his life. Made mom’s sister so uncomfortable 6 years  ago that she  told mom. Now she and mom don’t speak. Then he called my stepbrother tonight like nothing had happened. Who told him off …. On speaker and my mom heard it.  So then my stepbrother calls me to fill me in, my mom tries calling repeatedly while I’m talking to him. He also tells me that my stepsister was helping Dad move all ‘his’ money to another  bank.  This is money that was originally in a joint account and he moved it to under his control two years ago and is now trying to move it again, why?  Because I’ve made him pay bills out of it that would have come out of the  joint account  had he not moved the money.  I’ve had possession of the checkbooks since neither of them now know how to write checks or balance a check register. 

Earlier Today I had him sign checks for his health insurance and the pharmacy bill from ‘his’ account,  he used his debit card to pay for the  phone.I mailed those checks on the way home.  So now I find out that there may not be money in that account to cover those checks. I have no online access to that account since it’s only in his name.  So I have  to call the bank tomorrow and explain the situation and see if they will at least tell me if those checks will clear 

I had to call both my sisters tonight about this - who live out of state and aren’t interested in helping, but they  did listen. So now it’s 130am and I am still awake. 

I really wish I could walk away 

dayn2nite2

If your husband said to you..."walk away or I am going to seek a divorce" what would you do?

Can you at least minimize any doctors appointments for them and NO "wants" like flip phones?  Doctor---->Home.  That is it.  No lunch, no phone store.  Spending from 9:30 am to 4:00 pm is too much and then of course you have to listen to what else he did over the phone.  This situation is killing you slowly.

You're still over-doing for them.  These 2 are a toxic stew (and I know one is your mother, but her AND him together is just toxic).  

Can you entertain the thought of telling your step-siblings they need to take over for him and you separate your mother from him (and what money she is entitled to) and put her into an appropriate level of care that includes an in-house doctor?  He obviously is compromised and as he gets worse do you intend to continue caring for him too?

I think you need to save yourself here and make the least work possible.  They are living at a level of care not appropriate for them, your mother is being gaslighted by him and the chaos he creates.

Cynbar

Quilting, I have followed your story with great sympathy and admiration for your perseverance. But looking in from the outside, you are coming to a breaking point here. For your own health and for your marriage, you need to establish better boundaries. I actually agree with day, the best course would be to separate your mother from him, see a lawyer to settle their finances and know what each is entitled to, and place her separately. But if you're not willing to do that, please stop letting them run you ragged. Limit the outings, limit the phone calls you will accept. Their facility probably has a way to get them to MD appointments, and you should be telling yourself that it's OK to say no to them. I know it will be difficult, but the current situation is not sustainable. Something has to give.

PickledCondiment

I very grudgingly admire your tenacity and desire to handle all these tasks on your own. Now the hard reality, you simply cannot continue at this pace.  Your mental and physical health and your marriage are at peril. 

As difficult at it will be, you must set boundaries and implement a plan immediately. Make an appointment with an eldercare lawyer to get the finances, POA and other legal documents in order. (The bank will not discuss the account as you are not a signatory.) 

As you are primary caregiver put yourself in charge of the situation. Yes, doing so will be difficult; parents, siblings and step-sibs will all be mad.  Again a boundary issue, you're doing the work, you will be making the rules. 

Quilting brings calm

Thank  you all for your responses.  Let me try to type a reply in some organized fashion( Ha! ) 

I was up until 3. And then awake at 7.  What kept me up was the check situation. I’m a very responsible person.  I pay my bills and I don’t write bad checks.  Financial miscommunications send me into a tizzy. The mailbox that I dropped the checks/envelopes in was at my local post office, after closing hours,  our town is 500 people.  I managed to get the envelopes back this morning when they opened. One needs to be paid by the end of September, and isn’t a large amount.  It’s a monthly pharmacy bill for both of them.  The other isn’t technically due until Nov 1st( his quarterly Medicare advantage health insurance) I had wanted it paid because I had a feeling he was going to try something untoward with that account- but  I thought he was waiting on the same friend that helped him open this account  two years ago  to come into town in October. So the immediate possibility of a bad check that I had filled in the  payee  and amount on ( he then signed the checks) has been  adverted.  Mom has been told I’m not filling in anything in my handwriting  on any more checks for him to sign.  He will have to learn how to write checks or lose his health insurance.   ( which would include Medicare since it’s Medicare advantage. 

I’m not on  that account, but I am on their joint account ( deposits and automated withdrawals) at the same bank - in a state where they lived for a few years.   I’m also on an account up here that mom moved money  to from a joint account they had that up here.  He’s not on the account.

I’ve sent/ received a few messages from the doctors office about their test results. More needed tests for mom ( X-ray showed a spot on her lung).  A request to fax dads orders for blood work to the assisted living center as he did not get his blood work done when mom did yesterday ( mix up in need for fasting ) nor did he go back and do it today.  So the assisted living center can draw it next week.    My message included last nights situation and a request again to order tests  to rule out cognitive issues on my step dads part.  I’ve tried to get the doctor to understand there are issues before with no luck. 

There is a transportation issue with some of their long term doctors ( they only lived  out of state 3 years and got back with their old doctors). PCP and his cancer doctor are too far away from their AL to receive transport. mom doesn’t drive.  He does.  I really need to attend those appointments to manage their care. However  I agree  I should stop managing his care - I just am doubtful he will manage it on his own well.  I’m torn between trying to shepherd  him through any further testing his doctor may order as a result of last night, or not.  I feel like there is a medical condition that needs to be addressed and I am his MPOA.  So once i decide about that,  I will tell him he has to go by himself.  He can ask the only child of his that is still speaking to him to go if he wants.  She has cognitive issues herself due to a brain injury though. 

Mom has been told that today also. I have not spoken to him. 

Here are  the problems about separating them. 1)  They have just enough income  and savings to stay where they are for several years,  and then whomever goes into a nursing home will qualify for Medicaid, that persons income will go to the nursing home ( well I think  mom can get part   of dads if he was the person in the nursing home) and the other spouse gets to keep all the rest.  Illinois has a generous community spouse cap.  They don’t have enough to live separately otherwise for more than a year or so.   Two apart is a lot more expensive than two together.  Her official diagnosis is still MCI. 2) he doesn’t  know how to adult and he will blow through his half of any financial settlement and then show up on her doorstep broke 3) she’s always been  so codependent that whenever he runs an errand without her, she sits in her walker at the front door of the building and watches for him to  come back. 

Yes,  I will abandon their day to day care if my husband  forces the issue.  I’m almost there without him doing so.  It’s just hard to make it happen when mom  doesn’t have anyone else 

Yes I need to talk to a lawyer again . Last time the lawyer advised me not to go for guardianship on him because it’s expensive and he would  protest it.  

Got to go,  have accomplished nothing today and I need to pack for my overnight trip, assisted living has been told not to call me unless there is  blood involved. 

loveskitties

If you are his medical poa,  you need to official resign from that responsibility and provide written notification to his children that you have done so.  You should not just "stop" with out taking these actions.  

You will also need to officially notify any other entity (care facility) that you no longer hold that position regarding his care, and refer them to all his adult children, regardless of their speaking to him or not.

abc123

I think it might be time for your mom to be moved to MC. AL is not enough care for her. I think it’s crazy that the doctor hasn’t diagnosed your stepdad with some form of MCI or mental disorder.

I think you husband is more important than your mom. If you lose him, you’ll spend your old age years alone. Trust me, that’s no fun.

Quilting brings calm

==  think it might be time for your mom to be moved to MC. AL is not enough care for her. I think it’s crazy that the doctor hasn’t diagnosed your stepdad with some form of MCI or mental disorder.==

Her official diagnosis ( recently updated) is still MCI.  And I’ve finally decided it’s now accurate. The mirtrazipine  has been like a miracle drug. She’s not crying or whining or making sentences sound like questions..  She has been carrying on actual intelligent conversations. She is not asking very many repetitive questions.   She can remember many things now so that a conversation from yesterday is still remembered today.  Her PCP noticed a huge difference last week. As he said, she was engaged in the conversation, asking appropriate questions and offering informative answers.   Of course this fiasco has upset her and she’s a little more off her game today. 

Will she slide  back into stage 4 ( mild dementia) at some point? Of course  she will. Does she need assisted living or MC?  She needs assisted living as she uses a walker, can’t physically cook or clean, can’t do laundry when her back is hurting ( lots of issues there on the X-rays), doesn’t drive. Do I trust her to handle medications? No- that’s why the staff  deals with that).  She will double check within me before trusting scam phone calls. She doesn’t wander, isn’t delusional, no sundowning. Lives firmly in our reality.  She’s back to where she was before her health crisis in 2019.   I’m thrilled beyond belief! 

Your second sentence?  I’m right there with you.  Totally amazed that I can’t get anywhere with getting him diagnosed. He’s not been asked to draw a clock, remember any words, etc etc.  No referral to a psychiatrist or a neurologist. It’s not just the PCP either, He’s got a cancer doctor, a cardiologist, etc.  He  was admitted to the hospital twice in May for illnesses.  Everyone seems glad to have me at  appointments to be the go-between since he can’t hear well with hearing aids and his voice is hard to understand due to all the thyroid cancer surgeries, But no real help or  extra testing. 

I did message his PCP Friday about this current fiasco and  specifically request further testing. 

I went ahead with my weekend plans and had a great 24 hours with my friend. No phone calls were received during it! 

Further drama today because he called his son and accused the girlfriend  of lying.  No, it didn’t go well.  Surprise surprise.  I’ve told mom I will be having a discussion with him this week ( when I take her for another X-ray) about the checks and to tell him I am done with him. If he’s ever ready to put the money back in the joint account and give me DPOA, then I can help  some.  But  I’m tired of helping him with no acknowledgement and instead making it more difficult to help  than it needs to be.  I’m also going to step back from helping her when it’s something that he can do … such as taking her to that X-ray.  I may very well hand him the printed order and tell him to either take her or schedule the facility transport for her.  The X-ray can be done locally. 

The MPOAs?  They are filled out in such a way that it’s only really good if they are incapacitated.  I’m willing to give consent or  make a informed decision in that situation even if I no longer go to the doctor with him. I’m also willing to pass along information to him from any phone calls from medical facilities etc  So I don’t really need to renounce anything. 

No she still does not want him to leave.  She totally understands  the amount of money they have and what splitting it up would  do.

In other news?  I fell and hit my ‘decent ‘ knee on concrete watering my flowers. The bad knee didn’t like it much either.  

Quilting brings calm

Update!  Finally his PCP is referring him to a geriatric psychiatrists office for suspicion of early dementia! I’m sure early means mild since he is 81.  Now to wait on the referral appointment to be made and then to somehow get him to go the number of times needed.   It’s the same office that mom only went once to for an hour intake appointment in January 2020 and refused to go back.  So that and just his general stubbornness and recalcitrant attitude is discouraging already.  

I did not go out to the AL today.  Moms X-ray orders  hadn’t been faxed there yet and I wasn’t spending the entire day hanging out in town or at their place waiting on the orders. ( I live 1/2 hour away.  

mommyandme (m&m)

Quilting… 

Thank you for the update! So glad your weekend was good!