husband wants to come back home

dlsone

My husband recently entered a memory care unit in the best facility in town.  Every time I visit all he talks about is that he wants to come back home which is not possible.  His dementia is progressing very slowly.  How do I answer him?

kmasen_act2

What'd going on when he asks you to go home?  Usually when ALZ residents ask this, there's an unmet need and it's up to the caregivers and families to try and figure out what that is.

loveskitties

Have you talked to the MC about this?  Most patients have a period of adjustment to the new surroundings.  Many facilities ask family not to visit for a while to give the patient time.

Many here subscribe to the "fiblet" approach so as not to upset the patient..."doctor feels you have to stay for a while long"..."I will ask about when you can leave"...or other such things.

The patient will forget and will soon consider the new location as "home".

aod326

Wanting to go home is a very common refrain of PWDs. The PWD will often say that even if they are in their own home of many years. From what I've learned, it's often about needing a level of comfort and reassurance. You will need to use fiblets, for sure. Anything from "the doctor says", "next week" to "we had a flood at home". It would be best to avoid saying "this is your new home" as that can be upsetting and chances are the person will forget anyway.

Try not to feel bad about him saying it - it's very common, and it doesn't mean he's mad with you.

​NorthWoods

I’ve been off the forum for a while so I don’t know your back story.  My husband has been in a memory care unit for over 3 years now.  I never thought I’d say this but I wish he had Alzheimer’s.  My husband’s memory is spotty but not gone so I can’t tell him “next week” or “when the workmen are done”.  Instead I tell him a level of truth that he can manage.  He can come home when the doctor determines that his brain has healed enough that it will be safe, or, at least for now everyone must stay where they are because of covid.  Sometimes he accepts it, sometimes he gets mad or sad. Either way, you can’t let him think that it’s your call.

It’s really really hard, it’s heartbreaking. I get overwhelmed with guilt even though I know I have nothing to be guilty over.   Hugs