Anyone else not want to vacation for fear of LO going downhill

Schmail13

Last year before she was too bad , my family put the guilt trip on me for not taking our annual mountain vacation. I finally gave in for a shorten period. Moms confusion grew & she started to get more confused when we came back & it never stopped . She lives with us full time. My husband has been understanding, or so I thought . My son wanted to send us away after Christmas & of course I said no even though my husband was ok with it. My son & fiancé want to take care of her, but without me here there will be issues . Am I alone feeling like this ?

M1

that's a two-edged sword for sure.  It might be really good for you to be away, and I bet your husband would appreciate having your undivided attention for a bit.  Things might not fall apart, I guess it depends on how confident you are in your son and his fiancee.

JJ401

Yes, Mom declined after the last trip. But, she may have declined even if you hadn’t gone. Decline is part of the disease. Mom is going to decline whether you go or don’t go. 

A caretaker for your absence is available and willing. My advice would be to go. Yes, there may be issues, but they will be dealt with.  

Arrowhead

It’s difficult to give suggestions with so little information. It sounds like your mother is living with you. Before you let your son send you away for an extended length of time, try letting him care for her for 24 hours. If that works out well you can let him take care of her for longer periods of time. Once you, and he, see how well it does or does not work out, then you can decide whether or not to take a vacation away from her. He may discover that taking care of her is a lot harder than he thought. You may discover that there will not be the issues that you are afraid of. Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out for the best.

Suzzin

It's always a trade off, isn't it. Do I do everything for my declining parent(s), or do I care for my husband and family. Sometimes we feel caught in the middle, like both "sides" are asking for us. It's so hard to find the balance, but I hope that your mom would want you to have happy times with your family. You have family caregivers who want you to have a break.  And if your mom was someone who said "no, sacrifice everything and be here for me no matter what"....well, I still think you deserve a break!

Stuck in the middle

Schmail13 wrote:

Am I alone feeling like this ?

Pretty much.  Most posters on here would give a kidney to have a son like yours, and a chance to take a break from caregiving.

Caring for Grandma while you are gone would give him a star in his crown in Heaven.  In your shoes, I would allow him the opportunity to earn it.  

abc123

Go on the trip with your husband. He needs you. I’m of the belief your spouse should come first. I hope you will go and enjoy yourself. I bet your son will do a fine job caring for his grandmother.

towhee

She will be in familiar surroundings, that should make it less of a problem. I agree with Arrowhead, do a trial run, see how things go when you are available to come back if necessary. There will probably be a time when you must be away from your mom, hospital visit for you or husband etc, and having a plan for that in place that you know will work is really important.

Also, get trip insurance. You never know what will happen that far out.

harshedbuzz

Schmail-

I can't say for sure that you're the only one, but I haven't seen any poster reply "You go, girl!" to turning down a chance to reconnect with your husband and potentially have some fun.

Dementia caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. In that context, it is critical to maintain your responsibilities to be present for your friends and family lest you come up for air when your mom dies and you find the bonds you assumed would be there are frayed beyond repair.

It is entirely possible that your mom's increased confusion might have occurred even if you had skipped the mountain vacation. Sometimes dementia progresses like that, especially if there is some VD in play. 

My story, FWIW-

Mom was dad's primary CG with me running logistics and supporting her. Once we got them settled here in PA, we looked into mom scheduling the TKR she'd postponed because of a couple of health crises they'd had in the last 2 years that put it on the back burner. We got it scheduled for mid-July and did all the pre-op stuff. After they prepped her for the surgery the NP who works with the surgeon expressed concern about a spot in mom's knee- she'd been to the derm the week before and allowed them to treat a actinic keratosis. The doc cancelled the surgery and insisted the spot heal and that he got a letter from the derm clearing her for surgery before re-scheduling. Plus we got to head back to the city for more bloodwork and cardiology clearance again. And as a bonus I got to escort mom home on a crowded train drugged out of her mind so that was fun. 

TBH, I wanted to wring her neck but I told her she could reschedule anytime but the last week in August when I had promised to attend a reunion for my DH's family. So of course, that's when the doc could fit her in and I made her reschedule in mid-September. I felt bad about condemning her to another month or pain, but my husband and son needed my attention. She wanted to go ahead without me, but I felt like dad's back-up caregiver might need me as a safety net so I put my foot down which made me feel like a jerk. I went on the trip. DH and DS had a blast; my SILs were their usual meangirls and the food was awful but I got an afternoon at the beach with my older BIL whose company I always enjoyed so I took it as a win. 

Not 2 weeks after we'd gotten home, my SIL came home from work and found my BIL had died in his sleep while taking an afternoon nap. Had I not agreed to go with DH he would have lost the chance to get together with his brothers that last time. Had I not done that, the damage to our relationship might never be repaired.

HB

jfkoc

I vote go also.....your mother may have some rough spots but ????

Schmail13

Thanks everyone for your replies . I think I’ve still got a lot to learn about taking care of myself too. I am blessed beyond belief with a husband that stands by my choices every step of the way, even when he may want otherwise. If it wasn’t for the strength in our relationship, my day to day would be different.  I do trust my son & fiancé, but they are often in denial of the reality & feel I baby mom too much . I don’t baby her, but do everything in my power to make her days brighter as she realizes more and more that she is losing herself .

PaniniSandwich

Fully understand your position.  Has your son and his fiance ever stayed with her when you were not home? I would start there. Go out for a few hours at different times of the day and see how they do, and then let them try it for 24 hours. It can be a little training for them and you will see how they do. You absolutely need a break, but if you are worried the entire time it's not really going to be a break for you.