My brother is coming to visit

Iris L.

 My brother is coming.  He still works in the health care field and is active with his friends, as much as possible during these Covid days.  Actually his trip is to visit friends of his, and he is extending his trip a few days to visit with me.  Although he knows of my diagnosis of cognitive impairment, which is nebulous to most people, he is not aware of how much I am struggling to live an independent life.  

My priority is not to become a burden on him.  I read these boards and I see how much caregiving is a burden.  Even experienced health care workers admit they have difficulty becoming caregivers.  He may have some idea, because for the first time I told him I won't be able to host him and he will have to stay at a hotel.  

I always urge caregivers to check refrigerators for expired food.  After my expired yogurt experience, I don't have any expired food in my refrigerator.  I would like to tell him he is going to be my POA, but I wonder if I should just not say anything to him and find a professional POA instead. 

Iris

M1

Maybe this visit will be a good time to assess how the relationship feels, Iris.  And then you can kind of wing it depending on how it goes?  I hope it's a good visit.

Suzzin

Iris, I am so thankful for your perspective here. Despite our challenges, the best thing my parents did was sign me on (and let me know) as POA for medical and general. My mom has anosognosia but dad knows he's declining so has been so supportive of signing the paperwork and telling me what he wants. If you trust your brother, then please trust him with the truth. He will be better able to care for you, without second-guessing, if he knows that the two of you are a team.

Stuck in the middle

Iris, this is a good time for you to talk to your brother and be sure he is willing to help you.  

He won't be able to use the POA if he doesn't know it exists.  In fact, he needs a copy of the POA.  If you are in a hospital some time, he may need to walk in there with papers allowing him to take charge and act in your behalf.  

abc123

Dear Iris, you are a wonderful inspiration to me. I have learned many things from you. I hope you and your dear brother have a good visit. I think you should talk to him about the POA and see how he feels. I wish you the best.

Emily 123

I agree--see how it goes.  I think it's a great opportunity to discuss it and see what he thinks.  One of the best things my mom did for us was have her POA and living will done at the same time some years ago, so we were able to talk specifically about her wishes.  It's taken a lot of the guesswork out of making decisions for her now that she can't. 

I'm glad you're going to get a chance to see him-enjoy your visit!

Mint

Iris I am learning from you too.  Always appreciate your insight and admire your determination.   Think it would be good to discuss this with your brother.  Tell him what you just told us.  See how he feels.  Make some tentative plans with things you may need later on.  Hope you have a good weekend and be safe.

MN Chickadee

I have no idea how your relationship is with him, but if it is a good relationship and he is a good person he might be quite hurt if you  don't  allow him to help when the time comes that you need it. Usually people use hired POAs either because they have no one else, or the family they do have cannot be trusted or the family is unsuitable for whatever reason. It might be a slap in the face for him to suddenly be told you have a random hired person as your decision maker. I personally would wonder why I couldn't be trusted or what I did to not be viewed as capable of being there for my sibling. I just wanted to throw that angle out for your consideration. I totally understand you not wanting to burden him, but the other side of that is we want to help those we love. Being stripped of the ability to help his sister may also be a burden, if that makes any sense. 

It is possible to not unnecessarily burden your POA. Through careful planning and making everything legal and in writing, you can minimize a POA's responsibilities. If you put your wishes very specifically in writing (and make sure they are tight legally) and have those difficult but important conversations with the POA and get the financial planning done for long term care and communicate acceptable living arrangements and thresholds for moving and higher care. I wonder if agreeing on a local geriatric care manager who is not aPOA but able to be the person with eyes and ears locally and arrange resources when necessary could bridge the gap?  My parents did some of the above, could have done more but and have tried to make being POA as easy on me as possible. It isn't always easy, but it has been an honor to be there for them in this way and as long as dementia has to exist I wouldn't change it for the world to not be their trusted POA.

Either way my suggestion would be to have a conversation with him about it before deciding. It could be the conversation will make it perfectly clear which direction you should go, and in the end it's your decision either way so get all the information first. 

Michael Ellenbogen

I would definitely have the talk and fell him out. Ask him to be completely honest with you and if he needs to think about it give him time to do that.  

mommyandme (m&m)

My thoughts are on track with MN Chickadee. Your bro will likely be honored that you think of him so highly and may be hurt if he feels he was never considered. 

Iris L.

Thank you all who responded.  These are all good points.  I have to think of the right words to say.

Iris 

jfkoc

I agree. I would give him a copy of the DPOA and I would also give him an easy out....distance.

Then let him think it over.

Iris L.

While my brother was visiting, I talked about us getting older and not being married or having children.  I told him that I was going to make him my POA.  Although he said "okay", he did not seem interested.  I then told him I would get a professional POA and make him secondary.  He had no response.  So that's what I will do.  It's not ideal, but this is what I have to do.

Iris

M1

I was wondering about this yesterday Iris.  Sounds like your instincts were confirmed. Thanks for the update.....

abc123

Dear Iris, I have faith in you. You are a smart lady, you have planned and prepared well. This is not what we were hoping for BUT I do believe God will make sure you have an excellent POA. 

As always, I wish you well.