I think we’ve found help!

RanchersWife

So after a rough few weeks I quit being a very nice person. I am usually a VERY nice person to my family. We’ve interviewed a caregiver who will work 3 days a week. I will be able to do laundry, clean the house, go to the grocery store during the day instead of at 6am or 9 pm, pick the kids up from school if they stay late,... I feel much better. I even let the boys invite three friends and have a slumber party last night. That might have been overkill. 

M1

That's such good news--keep us posted how it works out.  Fingers crossed.  Those slumber parties are the things they'll remember.....

DrinaJGB

I haven't been a nice person in years.

Stuck in the middle

I'm not sure what's not nice about you cleaning, doing laundry, shopping, and letting the boys have fun.  You are welcome to come by here and abuse me that way any time!

Seriously, I'm glad you are getting some help.  I have a housekeeper and a lawn service, and the diner waitress knows my name and what I want to eat.  And I am not one bit ashamed of it.

Have I mentioned my duck-it list?  It's like a bucket list, but instead of a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket, it is a list of things I don't have to do any more.

M1

I like that Stuck, can I borrow it?

Stuck in the middle

Of course you may use it, M1.  It's actually the cleaned up version of what I really call the list, and you may use the original too if you like.

I tried to work my bucket list as I went, and I pretty well checked off the items years ago.  I went to college, went backpacking, wrote poetry, swam in the surf off Malibu, etc.  A knee injury kept me out of high school football and my senior trip to Viet Nam, but I have no desire to make up for those.  So, now the duck-it list.

To every thing there is a season . . .

mommyandme (m&m)

Stuck,

I get a lot (including laughs) out of your posts. 

Thank you!

Stuck in the middle

Thank you, Mommyandme.  Glad you enjoy it.

I just tell it like I see it.  A friend told me once that I was completely cynical but cheerful about it, and I guess I am.  

RanchersWife

Stuck, I stopped interacting in a pleasant way with my family precisely because I can’t clean, shop or take care of them. I was also being driven crazy by the constant pacing. I’m completely over being the most interesting thing in the room, being followed to the bathroom and the exit seeking. I can deal if I have breaks. I had no breaks on the horizon and got mad and kind of gave up being nice. I spent a day glaring and not talking. This was after I expressed how I felt and things didn’t really change. It’s hard to be nice when you aren’t in a good frame of mind. I still haven’t had a break but knowing I will be getting one has helped my mindset.

Stuck in the middle

RW, I am fully in your corner.  I understand now what you mean about not being nice.  Too much stress will do that to anyone, and you and your family deserve better than that.

My MIL had to take care of her MIL (DWs grandmother), and she deeply resented it.  She and her MIL didn't even like one another, and my FIL's sisters were no help.  My MIL complained about that to the end of her life, years after her MIL died.

I'm pretty nice too, until I'm not.

RanchersWife

I don’t resent the care at all. I resent the grief and suffering and sacrifices required I have some spiritual work to do there, I guess. I have no baggage with my mil. She was a very wise woman who kept her mouth shut (her words) and never interfered with anything. We ranched with them for 12 years. My husband runs it all now. She loves my kids and has made wonderful memories for them. She (and my father in law) raised my husband to be a good man. She was my friend and I miss that support. I will try to model my own relationships with my daughter in laws after her relationship with me. My oldest has a girlfriend and I try to support her and be kind to her. Her relationship with my son is hers. I will have my own relationship with her and cheer her on and praise her amazing accomplishments in college. 

My mil is not my own mother however. I will be brutally honest...I find it very hard to be her person when I have other people who need me too. Six other people! I am very loved and appreciated. I am so blessed. 

Stuck in the middle

That's a good attitude.  I only have two.  I think I need to learn from you.

abc123

Dear RW, yay!!!!!! This is great news! Good for you. Let us know how it works out. 

Stuck! I’m going to start a Duck- it list too!

MPSunshine

Hi, Rancher's Wife,

I knew you from "before" my parents died, and I have all the respect for what you are doing to maintain your family and also your sanity. Sometimes during the caregiving journey I questioned whether what I was doing or putting in place was "too much" but in retrospect it always turned out that what I arranged was "not enough." Your children, your family are important and they are all at this critical time of their growth when they need you the most. Your MIL is a fantastic and accomplished woman and deserves good care. You did a good thing to find a solution in the form of another person to help deliver care. Don't ever doubt the power in numbers. As our dear ones decline, we can accept more and more of their numbers because it's a battle that's so strong, the battle of the living versus dying, and more and more people may get involved, including Hospice and other family who may take a sudden interest. I wish you only the best.

Kindly,

MPSunshine

Mint

MP Sunshine nice to see you here and hope you are doing ok.  Think about you from time to time.

RanchersWife

Hi Sunshine,

The help is necessary because I’ve basically burned out. I can’t make my mind work like it is supposed to. I scratched my truck and popped the truck’s door handle off on the Sonic sign and called my husband sobbing. Any stress sends me into a tailspin. My sister is coming tomorrow to spend the week with us. She’s a clean freak and has plans for my house. She’s the only one I trust to love me through this. I’ve spent the last 6 weeks with my mil 12 hours a day. She became incontinent, started resisting showers and has now become combative. I don’t know how to be ok right now. My poor husband is doing so much. I think that once I have things organized and catch my breath I can start to be better. My mil’s decline is just faster than I can keep up with. 

Battlebuddy

Dear Ranchers Wife,

     I was where you are last Spring. DH had become incontinent, refusing showers , and combative. It’s a very hard spot to be in , and the hardest part of the road for us so far. The adjustment to incontinence is just so tough.  I think you are amazing to do all that with all your other responsibilities. 

     I guess I just want to say that late stage 6 is in many ways much tougher than any other stage. When you get past this part, I believe things will get better for you. I’m ahead of you on the journey saying it’s not so bad here in 7. I’m glad you are getting help. It will be so great if you can take little  trips out. 

    Hang in there . I’m not as nice as I used to be but I’ve gotten some niceness back lately and I think you will too once the help arrives

RanchersWife

Dear Battlebuddy,

Thank you for taking the time to send me some hope! 

I need it. 

abc123

Dear RW,  you have been such an inspiration to me. I admire you for taking such good care of your mil. Please, please take the time you need to heal and feel like yourself again. I’m happy that your sister is coming to help. I wish you the best. Hang in there my friend!