Evaluation by an expert physician for the court

French

In order to protect him and me, I decided it was time to activate what we call here a « mandate of future protection ». A little over a year ago, we went to the notary and my partner signed the documents appointing me as his mandatary (to take care of his person and his financial and patrimonial affairs). In order for this mandate to be effective, a court-appointed physician must certify that he is no longer capable of managing himself.

I always have the impression that people think I exaggerate his difficulties, maybe to make other feel sorry for me, but this time, I clearly saw that I was actually underestimating them a lot. 

To the question how many children do you have, he answered 4. He has 2. He could only give the name of one. impossible to say what his job was or the name of his company. Not his address either. I was very surprised by all this. In fact, I thought he knew all of this. But after I realized that most of time I see that questions are difficult for him and anticipate by answering for him. Doing so, I never saw that he was no more able to remember.

However, he said that he could wash, dress himself, cook and clean the house. He is at stage 6c to 6d so you can imagine he can’t do all this. It is true that he still speaks quite well.

The MMSE this morning was at 7. it was at 12 in January.

This evaluation was very difficult for him and for me because each time the doctor asked me to confirm and I had to contradict him each time. I tried to limit the damage by not saying no. But by saying: yes, he goes shopping with the life assistant, yes, he was still washing the dishes two years ago. But I couldn't always. And I saw in his eyes that it was difficult for him. He seemed to feel not humiliated but both desperate and angry. 

The doctor will now make a report for the guardianship and we will both have to go and give it to the court... new ordeal.

After the doctor left, he wanted to leave. I let him and several times he acted like he was leaving but I don't think he even knows what to do to leave anymore.

He didn't want to have lunch and stayed in bed until 5 pm. And he was still crying. He asked me what was going to happen now. I explained to him that nothing will change,  it was only formalizing what was already there: that I was managing everything for him. That it would protect me and him. He answered « Then I won't be able to do anything ». I had to tell him that these were things that he was already not doing such as paying bills. 

I hate doing this and it is why I delayed it,  but it must be done. 

M1

I'm sorry French, it sounds like it was quite difficult for both of you.  He must have felt humiliated and that is a very difficult emotion.

I will be thinking of you on your upcoming journey to Tunisia.  Please let us know how it goes.

French

Yes, I will send pictures it is in less than 5 days now.

Rescue mom

French, I have been in very similar situations with just regular check-ups. They ask questions that are so basic, no one else would ask. Like, how often does anyone ask you what year it is, or name your children, or what town are we in? So when my DH could not answer any of those (and plenty others) it was a big shock. 

Plus how, as you said, the doctors then asks you for verification on many, and we are put in the position of contradicting. My DH was also embarrassed and angry. I wondered for the millionth time, what are these doctors thinking? It’s very hard on the PWD and caregiver. At least DH and I don’t have to do it so much anymore. And you simply had to do it.

Hopefully he will recover or forget quickly, and your trip and respite time will be wonderful!

Ed1937

French, I'm sorry it was so hard for both of you. Hopefully when you make your trip, it will work out well for both of you. Then maybe you can enjoy a little time for yourself.

When my wife had a MMSE test a month or two ago, he asked he when she was born. She told him, then looked at me and asked it that was right. It was. But she couldn't tell him what country we were in. She said she didn't know. I was surprised. But I still think she knows, just couldn't find the word. She scored 17 on the test. Still not too bad. She did not act like it bothered her not to be able to answer some of the questions.

Buggsroo

French that sounds awful, it is sad to see our loved ones deteriorate, but when it is in public, it is worse. My husband has no idea he has dementia, in a way I am happy for him, I think it would be devastating for him if he did know. 

I do everything now, he argues with me, tells me to eff off. I was quite passive before, letting him take care of things because I had a very stressful job as a designer for a major newspaper. That has all changed, now I am in the driver’s seat. I do realize he feels upset because now I make the decisions. I have to. It sounds like you, too, do that. I am sad for your partner that he feels stress about that, but I hope Tunisia turns out to be a great solution. Bonne continuation.

French

My son was right. Today he has forgotten. For once we find an advantage to this disease.

Stuck in the middle

There is a good side to almost everything.  The bright side is not always easy to see.  

You are a good person to stay with him through this.

JoseyWales

That must have been so hard to sit through. On the one hand you want him to be impaired enough to get all paperwork put in place. On the other - well, it's just hard.

I'm happy that you're getting things done, though. Sometimes I find it hard just to make phone calls and get things started.

abc123

French, you are such a brave woman and a loving caregiver. I’m very sorry for both of you.