Very bumpy transition to a home

Only_child_asks_why

On Monday September 13 I transitioned my mother to a nursing home. I didn't say anything before hand. It's a small room in an older home where my mother has one roomate. The staff really seem to care. After a few hours I tried to frame the facility as a temporary rehab. My mother is able bodied and said no she doesn't need that.

My mother mostly thinks she is in a hotel and asks when we will be checking out. Some times my mother thinks she is in her town of birth. For the first four days my mother constantly packed and repacked her belongings away until I removed most of the bags. She is using the telephones of either other residents or staff to call me at all hours to ask when I am returning to take her home. She sounds sad and scared. It breaks my heart. Staff said she mostly walks or sits upright in a chair. This has led to significant back pain. Sometimes my mother doesn't eat and is resistant to meds. She goes into the rooms of others.

Today was the most painful. After eating well, I tried to leave. There were no activities that I could use as distractions so I tried to say I was going to speak to someone or use the washroom around the corner. Each time my mother said she was coming with me. When the nurse managed to distract her I literally ran away quickly. It looked like a movie and other residents said "why is she running?". My mother quickly saw I was gone and started running after me. The nurse advised me to use the stairs however I didn't have the stairway code. Luckily the elevator came quickly. However now I can hear my mother saying "I am your mother. Please don't leave me". I was guilty on Monday but now the emotions are worse. She has lived with me for several years and now she feels abandoned and is wondering why she is in a strange please with people who look sicker than she does.

As some point the Mirtazapine that was started August 29 in addition to the newly prescribed Seroquel will hopefully work, but how do I manage the emotions of this rough transition? 

DrinaJGB

OMG- your post made me cry. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hang on any way you can and try to be brave and remember that you are keeping your mother safe because you love her. Somewhere, down in the deepest part of her soul she must know that.

The day my father passed he was in a rehab facility and I went in early to see him. He asked me to wash his hair for him which I did. Then he asked me to go back to his house to get a pair of shorts for him which was only 10 minutes away. As I came back--not 30 minutes later--his room was full of medical people intubating him and performing CPR. He had collapsed in his chair talking to the respiratory therapist.

My father had made me promise to never let anyone intubate him as he had a huge fear of ever being on life support. We had the advanced directives and the facility had a copy. But that didn't change the fact that even though there was a DNR in place they intubated him anyway.

  I was horrified and tried to tell them as they were transporting him out to an ICU hospital. That only made him suffer longer. I had to go back to his house and retrieve the Advanced Directives to take him off life support. He was comatose from a massive and acute MI. It was such a painful and horrible experience that never should have happened in the first place all due to his DNR being disregarded by the staff.

I felt so guilty from that huge blunder I kept replaying it over and over in my head. I felt that I had betrayed my father and not protected him from the ONE THING he had feared more than anything-being kept alive by machines. He even had a sign in his home for paramedics saying NO LIFE SUPPORT!! I felt I had failed him.

  It took me years to forgive myself. Now I feel he sent me on that little errand because he knew he was going to die and wanted to spare me the pain of seeing him die.

 You have to forgive yourself. You are in a terrible position and doing the very best you can.

abc123

Dear Only Child and Drina, I’m incredibly sorry for both of you.

Lindsay22

My mom went to MC last week too.  Her facility has suggested that I not visit for 10-14 days to give her time to adjust to the new routine.  They said that seeing me every day would likely only lengthen the amount of time it would take her to adjust.  Perhaps you should try this as well? Given what you are experiencing it might be worth discussing with the staff there. I'm so sorry this is so hard.

Only_child_asks_why

Thank you for the heartfelt responses, suggestions and words of encouragement.  DrinaJGB your heartbreaking post made me think that your father did know what was going to happen and wanted you not to be there. I have heard multiple situations where family aren't present for the passing of a LO by a fluke of some type such as needing to be somewhere else temporarily.  Thank you for conveying that sometimes self forgiveness and healing takes a lot of time.

Lindsay22 your suggestion is one I have considered however when I am present, at least my mother will eat and drink and take her meds more easily. I was even able to once encourage her to get into the hospital bed. One day I was able to get her to listen to her ipod. I wonder about the level of care she will receive if I don't visit but I realize this may be my own misconception. 

Lindsay22

I know, I am concerned about the same things.  I am, however, pestering them morning and night for updates and I am pretty sure they realize that I will be down there as soon as my 10 days are up. The staff have actually been very kind and are happy to update me after their morning staff meeting each day and after dinner each night.  I just called and heard she got involved with some karaoke, which is remarkable to me! As you know, routine is the thing with dementia so I really do think things will improve once she has some time to adjust.

mommyandme (m&m)

I am so sorry for your heartache! I feel guilty just leaving mom at daycare. 

This is all so painful! 

Only_child_asks_why

Thanks for all of the responses. Unfortunately my mother had an altercation with her roommate last night. The roommate alleges my LO hit her with her walker and staff saw my LO holding a small garbage can over her, as if to use it as a weapon. My LO reportedly felt she was in her apartment and the roommate had broken in. Late this evening my mother was transitioned to her own room. She was confused as to the move but eventually settled somewhat. Hopefully this makes a difference.