family visits

califsealion

My mom has been diagnosed with mild dementia.  I live with her.  She is relatively independent, but needs help with various things.

I have a brother who lives out of the area.  He came twice this summer, 5 weeks apart.  His visits are tiring for both my mom and me.  It throws her routine off and makes her memory worse.  I feel like I have another person around the house I have to take care of.  He doesn't actually help or even visit much with mom, but plays on his phone and looks for beer.

I know he needs to be able to visit with Mom and spend time with her, but does it sound reasonable to ask that he only come, say, every 3 months?

I have other issues with him.  He's been manipulating my mom into giving him money for years.  I don't trust him to try and get money out of her again, and I feel like she's going to be needing her money soon as she worsens and we may have to hire help.

Thanks for listening!

harshedbuzz

It seems like most families have that one sibling. Ugh.

I don't see a gracious way to prevent the visits, but I promise you they will lessen if he comes away from them empty handed and you hide the beer.

If you don't have POA get it asap and lock down her financials. If your brother succeeds in getting money it could prevent her qualifying for Medicaid is she needs it. And then what?

HB

DrinaJGB

What my DH learned the hard way with his siblings and dying mother while he was critically ill is :

"Opportunity makes a thief". Watch your back.

dayn2nite2

Is he staying at your house during visits?  If so, tell him that from now on, he'll need to arrange a hotel because you cannot have an additional person to clean up after and cook for (and he'll need to get his meals out of the home as well).  See if that discourages him.  And no, your mother isn't going to pay for his hotel room.

You should be handling her money so she can't be taken advantage of.  That will stop brother from asking her for money.

MN Chickadee

If you stop the freeloading he will likely stop visiting so often. You will need to set boundaries and stick to them no matter how much he protests. One short visit per 3 months or whatever you can deal with. Be firm, it's the best thing for you and your mother and that is what is important right now. Tell him you have your hands full with mom and cannot host company, he will need to arrange a hotel. Or tell him that you need respite so he can do the 24/7 caregiving for the weekend while YOU go to a hotel, or visit friends or whatever. He probably wouldn't bother coming if you threatened that. 

You need to take control of your mother's finances. If she is giving him or anyone else money it can really affect her care down the road if she needs a nursing home. The Medicaid rules are strict. You need to get the legal documents in order to control her bills and accounts and she should not have more than some small bills in her purse. 

califsealion

I do have POA and do all the bill paying.  I don't think she remembers how to write a check anymore.  Is there a way to talk to the bank and let them know that if she goes into the branch with someone besides me, she can't take money out?  I thought about calling today, but he is visiting with his wife this week, so I don't think he'd be underhanded like that with her around.

Both my mom's accounts are joint with me.  One time I went to the bank with her when she was still driving and the teller asked if I was the other person on the account.  I was glad he was so aware, but I'm not sure other tellers would ask.

loveskitties

If your mother is on the bank account, the bank does not have the authority to deny her access to her funds as long as she signs the check.

Does your mother have access to checks or ATM card?  Does she have a government issued ID?  Does she or your brother have the account numbers?  If the answer to all of these is NO, then she cannot just go into the bank and get a bank counter check to draw on the account.

I don't know if it is possible to set up a new account in her name with only you, as POA, on the signature card which would make you the only one who has access to the funds.  If you can, then you could just transfer from the existing accounts to the new ones.  The reason it is important to keep her name on the account is in case you need or plan to apply for medicaid at some point.  You don't want to mix her funds with yours.