I'm feeling angry, guilty, overwhelmed, and like I'm failing

JulesB2727

Hi all!

I'm reaching out because I hit a breaking point.  I spent my birthday (yesterday) alone in my room crying for most of the day.  

For a little context, I was doing OK with managing my stress and the situation.  I joined a boxing gym for the physical release I needed.  It was also less expensive than seeing a mental health professional, and I'm in better shape now at 51 than I was at 21.  I had a schedule/routine that provided balance of caring for myself, my parents, and my husband.  

Unfortunately, I feel like things spiraled out of control.  My father-in-law passed away about a month ago.  My husband and I are both grieving his loss, and while I'm doing my best to be supportive, the back of my mind keeps saying, "He is so lucky!  He only had to deal with the struggle for 9 days from the visit to the ER to saying the final farewell at the cemetery.  While I've been watching Alzheimer's slowly steal my father from me for the last 5 years.  His decision to begin comfort care for his dad was very hard to make, but that at least ended his suffering.  I'm facing the much more difficult decision of increasing my Dad's suffering by putting him in a full-time care facility."  I know it's wrong to feel this way. It's not a competition over who has it worse.  I'm keeping these thoughts secret from him and everyone else.  How do I make it stop?!

I'm angry at everything and almost everyone.  I could go on for pages about this, but the short version is "Alzheimer's sucks and COVID is making everything 10xs harder than it used to be."

I'm overwhelmed because I am the shoulder everyone is crying on right now.  My husband, my Mom, even my mother-in-law (she won't cry in front of her children because she needs to be strong for them, but she will cry in front of me), people at work (I work in HR), and other family/friends who have their own struggles.  I feel like I need to be there for them, and can't burden them with my problems.  I can't say, "Not today.  My tank is empty."  

And I feel like I'm failing because nothing is working.  My husband is still depressed.  Mom turns down every idea I offer to help her.  And, most importantly, Dad's disease just keeps getting worse (I'll save those issues for another post).  I know there's no cure for Alzheimer's and his progression is "normal" according to everything I've read and what the doctor has said.  I just hate feeling so powerless.

Lindsay22

Hi Jules - Here is the good news.  You found us and you are in the right place.  The best thing I've gotten from this board is the knowledge and reassurance that I am not alone, even in some of my ugliest thoughts.  For example, my friend's mother in law was struck by a car and killed and I thought "if only that would happen to my mom".  Which I'm fully aware is a terrible, shameful thing to think but there it is. With thoughts like this telling yourself you are awful for thinking them and just pushing it down won't make it go away.  You really need to acknowledge your feelings and manage them.  This can happen with therapy (which I suggest), meditation (there are low cost apps), and taking care of yourself.  We've all heard the old "put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting the passenger next to you" advice.  You've arrived, you have to help yourself or you won't be able to help anyone else for much longer.  You can say "not today, my tank is full" and you must.  Maybe not for whole days but at least for the time it takes to go for a walk, drive, take a bath, or to have a nap.  I'm not suggesting you fly off for a week at a spa by yourself but you absolutely can say you are going to Target for an hour, buy a frappacino and turn off your phone so you can mindlessly wander the aisles (at least that's what I do, you do you).  

This is a cruel and punishing disease, not only for our LOs but for us caregivers too.  It's a marathon, not a 9 day crisis.  It isn't fair but it's the hand we've been dealt.  You can get your head around it but you can't do it alone. 

DrinaJGB

This caregiving role which none of us has signed up for will break you. If you don't recognize the warning signs it will be too late and it will take its toll on your mental and physical health.

You can't control what others do or say, but you can control how you respond to it instead of merely reacting in anger and frustration.

  On days you are feeling overwhelmed you need to be assertive. Hold up you hand like a stop signal and say not today my tank is empty, or something to that effect. You really do not have a choice.Not any longer. If you fail to take care of yourself you are going to burn out and this disease will take you down. Good luck.

harshedbuzz

Hi Jules and welcome.

I am so glad you knocked on our little clubhouse door but sad you have a need to be here.

There are so many moving parts to this that I wonder if connecting with a mental health professional would be prudent. Boxing is great and all that, but it sounds like you need a safe person looking out for you and helping you create boundaries around what support is appropriate for you to be the one providing. Let your husband be sad; he just lost his dad unexpectedly and will need time to process all of that. If MIL's emotional needs are a burden, let one of her children grieve with her. If you mom blows off your offers and suggestions, step back and let her muddle on for a bit. It's OK to let phone calls go to voicemail to be returned when and if you're feeling up to it. 

Do you have an EAP that would allow you to find a therapist or counselor? If this doesn't help, perhaps a low dose medication for depression might help you out of the hole. Dementia sucks; dementia in covid-times really, really sucks. 

HB

loveskitties

Hi Jules,

First, there is no one on the planet who can be all things to all people all the time.  You are human with all the limitations it brings.

Wishing to be able to accomplish all that you mention is ok.  Beating yourself up for not being able to do that is not ok.  

You are not failing anyone except yourself.  If you continue on this road, you will self destruct, and that would be a failure because you can take actions to be kind to yourself as well as others.

Your husband's and your MIL's depression over a sudden loss of a loved one is part of the grieving process.  Check the internet for "help with the grieving process" and pass on the information to them.  I am not saying you should ignore their needs, just that you can't fix it...only they can find the way to get thru it.  Being kind and understanding but not to the extreme where it takes you down too.

Your mother and father's situation is different.  Do you have DPOA or medical POA, for either or both of them?  If not, you are at the mercy of what your mother wants.  I face the same situation with my parents.  It is not easy, but you just take it one day at a time when they are in denial that they can't do it alone.

Remind yourself, that if you get down either mentally or physically you are of no help to any of them.

Try calling 1-800 272 3900 and ask for a care consultant.  They are a service of the Alzheimer’s association .  The services are free, and they can help you with options and suggestions on how to deal with the multiple situations you face.

Best wishes for better days.

Quilting brings calm

As moms, daughters or wives, we always feel the need to be all things to all people. - simple venting of feelings by anyone makes us feel we failed at anticipating their needs.  I know I’m guilty of it.  You can’t fix things for any of these people.  Your spouse has a right to grieve on his own time table and you can’t compare the shockingly quick death of his parent to the slow lingering  illness of yours. You can’t make your mom not be in denial. You certainly can’t heal your dad. 

Boxing was a good way of relieving stress and releasing endorphins - but it doesn’t allow you to  vent your feelings or emotions or get support. This forum is a good place to go but your tank is empty. A counselor is a great idea - no I haven’t gone yet either.  My tank is empty too.  You will see posts from me recently too.  I haven’t worked up the nerve to talk to my step-dad ( who supposedly doesn’t have dementia) but I have told my mom ( MCI) that I’m done for a while. I’m not doing anything for them that can possibly be done by themselves or by the assisted living center.  

Please take a step back.  This is a marathon and you have to pace yourself. 

Just Ro

Oh Jules, I feel all of those emotions, too. After DH awakening me in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time wanting the car keys and me refusing, he said he wished the dog would bite me and bite me hard.  He hasn’t threatened me directly yet, but I guess he is thinking that he wants me to hurt in some way. That after 54 years of marriage. Yes, I know it’s the disease, but in that moment, those words were coming out of his mouth!  Such a nasty, miserable,  terrible disease this is.  I nursed him through Stage 4 cancer several years ago, this is much worse! Virtual hugs to all of my fellow caregivers. I read your stories, I feel your pain.

JulesB2727

Thank you for all of the kind and helpful replies!

As harshbuzzed said, I'm sad we're all in the situation, but glad to have found you.  Knowing I'm not alone helps.

That was also great feedback about how boxing helps with the physical release, but doesn't give me the coping tools I need.  Lovekitties also nailed it with, "Wishing you could (be all things to all people) is OK.  Beating yourself up for not being able to do that is not OK."  So, I am taking everyone's advice and have started the search for a Licensed Therapist or other mental health professional that is in my health insurance network, and has experience in helping caregivers like us.    

The search may take a while,  In the meantime, I will also try remember all of your other excellent suggestions to speak up when I need a break and take time for myself to do something I enjoy.  I need to accept that taking care of myself is not being selfish.  And I need to forgive myself for allowing it to get this bad before asking for help.

So, thank you again!  You made a difference today!

M1

Happy belated birthday, Jules.  Anniversaries of any sort are hard.