I am depress

Alexinnyc

It is getting harder and harder for me and my sister. Seeing my mom get worse everyday. She is not my mother anymore. She doesn't seem to care about me. I miss my old mother. I don't know what to do. I miss the good old day. I think about it a lot. I lost my dad about 5 years ago and now I am going to lose my mom. 

Issues with Mom:

1-Body being rigid
2-OCD about going home
3-Not Eating
4-Not Taking a shower
5-Urinary incontinence
6-Thinking TV is talking to her personally
7-Unable to change clothes

8-Seeing things that isn't there (Charles Bonnet syndrome)

Arrowhead

Imagine if it was your spouse instead of your parent. My wife was diagnosed five years ago. Of course, I wish she was still the way she used to be but that is impossible. All you can do is to remember how she was and to help her with the way she is now. 

We both lost our parents many years ago. Losing our loved ones to death is part of the mortal experience. It cannot be avoided, unless we die first. We survived it; others have survived it; you will survive it.

roseability

i hear you. it's so hard. i have a hard time making myself visit, even though i know i'm going to regret it later. the sadness cuts deep.

Stuck in the middle

I often didn't want to visit my mother either.  I would be walking across a 4-lane street in the rain, with a cane, and grumble to myself "Here I am, 70 years old, after a full day of work, walking across the street in the rain."  But my mother loved my visits, and I saw people younger than myself sitting in wheelchairs.  When I left an hour later, I was crossing the street in the rain again, but I felt 10 years younger.  And I was glad I had come.

Nothing helps depression more than doing something for someone else.

SonShine Lady

Alexinnyc,

What the other responders have said is true and great advice but I wanted you to know I hear you and can understand the depression as one who went on disability 15 years ago per my doctor's advice due to depression/anxiety.  Losing my mother to dementia is heart-rending.  I believe healing will come for both of us, but sometimes it takes longer for some than others, depending on individual circumstances.

I'm an only child, single, no children and live alone.  My mother is nocturnal so when I had a bad depressive or anxiety episode in the past, I'd call her and hearing her calm, gentle voice reminding me I'm just having symptoms of the illness, I've gone through it before, and I'll make it through was so reassuring.  After she was admitted to memory care and the realization hit me that everything had changed, I had a major breakdown and was in bed for two months.  The only thing that got me up for at least a little while each day was caring for my two little cats.

Mother has been in memory care for a year as of September 1.  We have always been able to visit her since the lock down rules for Covid were lifted the same week she was admitted and I am so very grateful for that.  She looks very well physically, can walk, and looks forward to going out with my step-father to shop or have lunch.  I've taken her out as well but as her dementia worsened, she is jealous of almost all women...including me.  That has been extremely difficult to deal with.  She's told my step-father I never visit her.  That hurt.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks and realized that my purpose in life now is to try and bring some joy into her life.  I have no other responsibilities nor dependents.  Instead of fixating on how I feel when Mother says something to me totally out of character from how she used to be, including hurtful things, to remember they are symptoms of her illness.  I know the dark prison of depression - I can't even imagine the tricks her mind is playing on her re: delusions that cause her so much pain.  She came to my apartment and spent days caring for me in the past when my depression was severe.  The least...the very least I can do is visit her and think of her...not me.

I think what I wrote was an admonition to myself; for you, I mainly wanted to say depression with what you are going through and watching the changes in your mother is "normal."  Please be gentle with yourself.

Wilted Daughter

It is so very difficult to see someone you care for decline right before your eyes and feeling there is little, if anything, you can do to stop the life altering change. One way I try to think of it is that they are not in pain or in some cases lack of showering doesn't bother them the way it bothers us (new norms). My mom attempted to cover up incontinence which certain medicines made worst. Removing this medicine seems to have helped with incontinence but it is what it is. Watching someone slip away might be one of the most difficult things to endure in life.

Stay Strong!

HeartOnSleeve2210

I hear you, my friend. My grandfather has AD, and I still struggle. I know the inevitable is coming, and I still find myself asking God why? Why did it have to happen to him? What did he do to deserve this horrible disease? I have a very close relationship with my grandparents, they practically raised me when I was younger and both my parents were working. It breaks my heart and makes me so very angry knowing that I am being robbed of my Grandfather. I consider myself very lucky that he is still in the early stages of the disease and I get this time with him while he still is my grandfather, though I know that a day is coming where he will look at me and not know who I am. As hard is it is, and as hard as it may be to think about, I urge you to try and remember that your Mother is in there, somewhere. She is still in there, locked inside of a brain that has turned against her. Deep in her heart, she's still there, and she loves you with all her being. I firmly believe that, even though our loved ones may forget us in the progression of this vile disease, there is still some part of them that knows and loves us. Prayers to you and your family.

Dutiful One

I'm so sorry, Alex. I logged on to read here this evening because I was feeling sorry for myself over issues related to a current situation, but your post brought back to mind how I felt when caring for my mom. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, and remember how difficult it was to not be able to call her and just talk or go get a coffee together.  We hear a lot about the grief faced after the passing of a loved one, but anticipatory grief is very real. 

Sending you big hugs! 

Istoppedescaping

Hello, Alex I totally understand about depression with my mom's decline. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. A couple of months ago, she did not recognize me anymore. However someone from here told me that is how this desiese works in the later stages. I still go see her once a week, because if I don't I get more depressed. When I see her, she still smiles sometimes. That is all I get for now, it's a friendly face for her. Please don't get to depressed, tomorrow I am seeing a psychiatrist for my depression. Pray it helps.