I don’t know how to do this

ElCy

We are at the beginning stages of this horrific journey. When I read about what others are going through here, I know what I have to say seems so small and petty… But anyway, for the past four years we’ve been planning on getting our downstairs painted, and over the past four months my husband has been hounding me to get the painter in. So I began a quest spending every day off at the paint store trying to find their perfect colors. We interviewed 10 or 15 different painters right before COVID, and finally settled on one. It was supposed to be a 4-5 day job. At first we were going to stay in a hotel while the work got done, but when my husband woke up this morning he said it won’t be an issue we will be fine staying at home in the upstairs bedroom.… I went to target at 8 AM to buy a Roku device for the upstairs  television so my husband could stream as he’s used to. The painter showed up at 9 AM… By 12:30 this afternoon my husband kick them out. They were a husband and wife team who had scheduled working with for 3000.00 and 5 days of work. Now, they are out the work, my house is half painted and who knows how much money they will want.

It’s just so frustrating. I look like a terrible person. All that effort I put in was for nothing. My h has been screaming at me for putting this all into place. I’m sitting in a parking lot crying.

I’m now prepared to have my walls look like crap until this ordeal is over. I’m just not prepared for what is to come.

June45

EICy,

Oh my...that is not small and petty at all. It sounds beyond frustrating.   I would be crying also! 

And if I can figure out "how to do this", that is, get through this caregiving without going crazy, I will let you know.

Rescue mom

Welcome, but sorry you have to be here. This is a great place to read,learn, ask any questions and vent. People here have been through pretty much everything….

I’m so sorry your paint job went like this. It’s not petty, not small. We have an older house that I had to learn, still learning, how to handle repairs and who to call. Its stressful, even under normal circumstances. But its really hard, for me, because my DH with Alzheimer’s did all that before. That’s probably why he was upset about workers inside. (Appliance repairs never bothered him, just the house stuff).

My DH was very quickly past the point of “discussing” or deciding anything. I simply told him, once, what was going to happen. If it was going to take a full day or more, we stayed in a hotel—like you planned. No discussion, talking about it upset him. Just get in car and go.

I might tell him  we had a “break” or I had to “get away” for a night. Maybe tell him the room was already paid for and we had to use it. He was pretty good about taking direction, but if I asked for him to choose or decide, that meant upset. His decider, as we say, was broken. Choices and rational discussion are gone. It’s hard, but you will learn that’s what has to happen, along with “fiblets” to keep peace.

Otherwise,  I made sure to tell worker(s) beforehand that my husband has Alzheimer’s, and could be moody, or not make sense, and any and all questions or decisions had to be with me—not him. They really need to know that, IMO, ahead of time. 

They were all unfailingly, always, understanding and sympathetic. I tried to keep DH busy/occupied elsewhere while they were here, or take him out on some “errands.” One time he had a tantrum, and they left early. The next day he was over it/forgot, and they returned.

Your DH apparently does not remember he originally was OK with this. Will he remember that he got upset with them? Can they come back in a couple days? I was often surprised—shocked—early on at how fast mine forgot things, or would not even notice changes were made in his absence. I thought sure he would see that (whatever the job was) had been done. But he did not.

Stuck in the middle

What a mess!  I still find myself doing things the was my wife wants them, instead of a way that makes sense.  It is a hard habit to break.

I would not want to live with the mess.  I think in your shoes, I would tell him your allergies won't tolerate the paint fumes, and the two of you are going to a hotel while the paint job is completed.  I would talk to the painters, apologize, tell them he has Alzheimer's and won't be there while they finish the job. 

I don't know if that would work for you or not. Sorry you are having this trouble.

Rescue mom

What stuck said is excellent advice. Your allergies, or say new laws make it illegal for you to stay during painting (like termite treatment) and you have to leave the house. Whatever. Work it out with painters.

Cynbar

Call and explain the situation to the painters, and see if they will agree to return without your husband there. Take him out for the day, go to a hotel, but get him out of the way. It does sound very stressful, I'd be crying too, but the best course now is to get it done as soon as possible. People with dementia hate change and upheaval, I frankly can't imagine doing a disruptive project like that with my DH around (this is why I have put off painting and wallpapering, both of which we could use.) I commend you for taking it on.

Ed1937

I think that if you called them, and apologized for what happened, while letting them know the circumstances with your husband, they would likely be willing to work with you. But I agree that you must find a way to get your husband away from the job site. Use any excuse you can come up with to get him out of there. You will find that using a few white lies will be something that will make your job much easier from now on, and easier for him.

ElCy

Thank you all for the advice…

caberr

I agree with everyone.  My husband did everything around here.  Not anymore but he thinks he can.  It takes a bit of convincing sometimes but I do hire someone and let them know he has ALZ.  Most can guess he has some problem.  When I feel he is getting in the way, I will ask him to come help me with something.  He does with no complaint. 

Good luck 

Farm Gal

When I had new siding put on the house -- or for that matter anything done to the house in the last 5 years--- I took my husband and went on a trip or just gone for the day until the work was done.  He always thinks he can do the job but of course we know how that works out.  I typically ask one of the kids or a family member to come and stay at the house while workmen are here.  Hubby typically never realizes anything was done.

Paris20

Whatever works and doesn’t hurt has become my M.O. My husband, diagnosed with AD in 2015,  has anasognosia (inability to  recognize the illness). He hasn’t driven in two years but thinks he drives every day. He can’t operate his iPhone or computer but assumes he uses them daily. He carries his iPhone whenever we leave home. I don’t make the mistake of telling him to leave the phone at home. There’s no harm in his carrying his phone; we have insurance against loss or breakage. 

If my husband asks where his car keys are, I get behind the wheel and make any dumb excuse to take his mind off the keys. I pay all the bills, hire all the fixit people but say nothing when DH thinks he handled all that, as he used to do before Alzheimer’s. When he tells me he can take care of a particular chore, I remind him we are retired and no longer work at the office or at home. He accepts that.

Over the past few years I’ve learned that when it comes to Alzheimer’s, honesty is not necessarily the best policy. Expediency, safety, and peace are the keys we need to open the doors in this House of Horrors known as dementia. ElCy, speak to the painters and explain that your husband has Alzheimer’s. Make up a story to tell DH (a few have been suggested here already) to explain why the painters are returning or make up another excuse about going to a hotel. Your husband probably won’t remember the story anyway and you can always come up with another little lie. Sometimes I tell my husband it was his idea and he often accepts that explanation. Good luck!