Today was the day we placed Mom into care

glitterqueenscare

Today was the day we placed Mom into care. I feel gutted and numb. It was an agonizing decision, I went back and forth right up to the admit.  This would be difficult in any case but their facility is currently closed for visitors due to higher covid transmission rates in our community and a positive staff member there.  

They do allow two types of visits even during a covid shut down, caregiver (I assume hospice type visits) and something called ADL visits for those who have a difficult time adjusting or managing without family contact. They said Mom and I would qualify for the ADL visits as I have been her caregiver but I will need "education".  I am supposed to go tomorrow and will learn more. Any idea what to expect?  I assume this will have something to do with activities of daily living but have no idea what to expect.  

I am grateful they will approve us for visits but I am going to wait to see her for at least 10 days.  I have been in contact with the home all day.  She is having a hard time, lots of tears, etc. but it's to be expected.  I hope each day will get a little easier for both of us, I miss her though.  I think the facility would like me to come much sooner than that but I believe it would only set her back and she would do nothing but beg me to bring her home and I admit I just couldn't manage that right now.  

Getting my marriage, job and health back on track will be nice to focus on but my heart is heavy that we are at this point.  I have now had to place both my parents in a nursing home due to this terrible disease.  

Lindsay22

Hello. I placed my mom last week too.  Her facility actually suggested that I wait 10-14 days to visit to allow her time to adjust to the new routine. Like you I was talking to the facility morning and night for updates and my mom had some of the same issues (asking when she was going home, trying the doors etc.) I cracked and went over there after a week to see her and she was actually doing pretty good.  She does seem to be adjusting to the routine and I think just being around other people and on a regular schedule is helping her already.  I know there will be ups and downs as she acclimates but I know I made the right decision, it was definitely time. It's so hard but I hope you are able to rest this weekend and regroup.

MN Chickadee

I know how hard this decision was for you from your last post. Moving my mother to MC was the most painful thing I have ever done. It will get better, hang in there. One day at a time. She will slowly adjust and settle in, but the early days are indeed so difficult for both of you. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Slowly things will come together and improve. Let yourself grieve now, let yourself rest. The disease is indeed horrible and so unfair. 

As for the ADL visits, they sound like what in my state are called "essential caregiver" visits. A designated family member is allowed to still come in to provide one on one support for a PWD (if they have some training first) even if there is a positive in the building. The training for me was a brief explanation on infection control and hygiene requirements. Wearing masks properly, hand washing, doing a temperature and symptom screening upon arrival, where you can and can't go in the building etc. And signing a document saying I understood these requirements and the risks associated with coming in.  Hopefully with residents and staff getting boosters soon there won't be as many cases in long term care and these rules can be relaxed some. It's a particularly hard time to be moving a LO to a facility, I'm sorry you are in this position but it sounds like it's for the best. Hang in there. 

The4thOne

Hi glitterqueenscare,

You know I know!  You were so supportive when I had to wade through the angst of this moment with my mom.  My prayer is that I can provide some words of comfort for you.  

I was where you are, the day of taking her was horrible!  Like you said, we had the same issues of not being able to visit or touch her for 14 days due to COVID quarantine at the time, and a staff positive.  I remember vividly taking her, and the administrator walking us to the front door and then turning to me and saying ' we can't allow you in'.  As hard as that was, I said, "I know you didn't think I was going to just drop my mother off here like a bag of dry cleaning and not go in and set her room up!' You do what you need to, but I am coming in! We both have been vaccinated, and negative tested again yesterday!  I'm coming in!'  Needless to say, I went in, set her room up with some pictures I brought, hung her clothes, sat with her a while, then went home to her house, where I had to go through 83 years of life, decide what to give away to charity or family, and what to keep.  I couldn't lift one finger, I laid in her bed and cried all night and the next day, not even trying to catch my flight back to CLT.  Then she called and was confused, hurt, lost, and angry, and I laid in her bed another day crying.  Prayer was far away as I did not know what to pray for.

But as they say, it got better.  I stayed away, talked to her some mornings, endured the 'come and get me tears' but kept to having our devotional times, shutting down any conversation until we read the Word.  I read the daily devotion and she looked up the scripture.  And I don't rush her.  She is a former pastor, so she gets there.  She calls at night with her sun-down confusion, and anger, but I only took her calls for 15 minutes, then let her know, someone else is calling, usually one of my brothers, I'll say, and tell her I will call her back.  I don't and she has forgotten.  Next morning we are at devotional again.  Ultimately, between getting to know her CNA's, the nurse manager, who she gave a fit, it became familiar.  When I go, I take $5 gift cards to Dunkin' Donuts or WaWa for the CNA's and cleaning staff, usually 5 cards. I do encourage you to get to know those who have direct hands on her care, i.e. the CNA's, the  nurse managers, if you can. I can't tell you the 'out of the ways' they have gone for me and my mother, in the midst of crazy hours and people like my mother on their less than compensatory pay.  They earn their whole paycheck on just my mother for sure, let alone 15 others just like her!  They've shared that my mom is not the worst!   I've put pictures around, got her a phone in her room, but asked her evening CNA to unplug without her knowing it, around 10pm, so when she tries to call late night, her phone 'doesn't work'.  They plug it back up when they bring her breakfast, acting as if they are just noticing it, if she catches them.  'Ms. Dot, your phone was unplugged. Let me plug it back for you.' She has forgotten it all, so she ends up thanking them for noticing that, fixing it.

All to say My Sister, it will be hard, but hold on.  You are committing love in action.  No one can tell you they know 'exactly' how you feel, this is YOUR mother - it's an extremely personal pain, because only you know intimately the relationship you have with your mother.  It's yours and now you see that it is for real - it's not just gone mentally, now you can't not face the reality of her being 'away', it's now physically away.  Yes, your psyche has to process this new reality.  None of that changes the love you have for your mother. But the guilt is necessary for your healing; it would be more worrisome if you didn't hurt.  You will get to relief, maybe even sooner than you expect.  Embrace it.  You have already gone through the grieving process. This person may not be the mother you remember - but you do remember.  There is nothing more loving than wanting to protect her and do what is best - even when it hurts.  Isn't that what she did for you?  That is love.

From June 1, time went quickly.  Now my mother feels like she is in her new apartment, she and 'the girls' go to the bingo games.  I have been on a spiritual women's retreat and going on another, ringing in the New Year at a spa in Mexico;  I'm feeling ready to have a relationship, I wouldn't because I felt it would be unfair to ask a man to come into that situation where I could not be 100% available. I swim at least 3x a week for weekly baptisms to renew my spirit. I roller blade, redid my back patio for Fri night 'wine downs' and do online group trivia games.  Yeck, I am even putting together an ice cream social for my development with a neighbor I waved at but never got to chat with.  Learned she, and one of my other neighbors had all recently gone through the same thing.  

We miss a lot, so now it is tine to lift up your head and take in the life that has been waiting for you.  It is not betraying your mother.  Your mother's adjustment may not be like my mother's, but keep treating her like Mom, even when she is not.  When you visit, share family stories, talk about the news, inform her of what is going on.  She may say she wants to see them or go there, but remind her that her doctor wants her to stay there - due to COVID, or tests, or whatever.  You all just want to keep her safe.  That is not a lie.

You'll get there, my Sister, you'll see.  And Mom will, too.  Meanwhile, be intentional in making up the emotion and attention to your husband, job and joie de vivre you have sacrificed.  Your emotional bill has been paid, walk in your new coat of colors!