This might be venting

60 falcon

Well, it took a few years but I realize I need some breaks to this caregiving madness.  That seems to be a rather common realization on this forum.  If I'm not burnt out, I don't know what that is.

So, I first looked for in-home help.  There's nobody providing that kind of care where I live.  Then I looked for adult daycare.  I found one but it's far from being ideal or convenient. It's about an hour and a quarter drive away and it's only four hours a day, two days a week. Winter will definitely add to that drive time.  I figured I'll take what I can get so I enrolled my wife. Today was the first day. I felt like I did the first time I put my kids in daycare.

I was really hoping this would work. I need it to work.  The daycare is small with only my wife and two others currently enrolled.  There's at least two, maybe three caregivers.  Apparently she did ok up until the last hour of it. The director (don't know what to call her) has a lot of experience with alz patients.  She said my wife rather suddenly became anxious, agitated, and angry in that last hour. She said my wife was just plain pissed off.  I'm not sure at who, at what, or why.  The director wasn't sure either. They tried to redirect, go for a walk, etc. and nothing worked apparently.

When I arrived to pick her up, I witnessed some of her agitation.  At one point I was concerned my wife was going to get physical with one of the caregivers, but she didn't thankfully.  My wife calmed down pretty quickly after I picked her up.

It might have been caused because my wife didn't get her mid day dose of anxiety meds.? The daycare can't/won't administer meds.  The daycare is willing to try this again next week, I'm thinking I'll give her the mid day dose right before I drop my wife off.?  I also messaged her PCP and asked if there was a different med that she could try, one that doesn't require a mid day dose.

I learned of another adult daycare today that provides services 8hrs a day, m-f.  That one would give me more opportunities to do what I need to do, but it's just as far away and more expensive, of course.  But, if my wife's behaviors can't get straightened out, I might be out of luck regardless.?

While I was writing this, I heard what I thought was the kitchen faucet running. Nope. She peed on the kitchen floor again.  Shout out to Nature's Miracle Oder and Stain Remover.

She's needed my help 24/7 for about four years now and today was the first time she didn't have me with her.  That might have contributed to today's problems.? Her shadowing and general neediness has been unrelenting.  She's a solid stage six and has nighttime incontinence and occasionally during the day.  And of course she can't find the bathroom and forgets how to sit on the toilet or can't figure out what the toilet is even for.  She's ok if I'm in there helping her.  I just wish there was three or four of me to go around.  

I just really need some breaks.

Buggsroo

Hi Falcon,

Of ourse you need some time for yourself. No one can be everything for another person.

I feel for you. My husband has a new hobby, he wants to go grocery shopping every single day. If I say no, he bangs things until they break. I feel like screaming. He also has no filters, so says things that are totally inappropriate about me. I honestly feel like slapping him upside the head. I know he can’t help it but I have feelings too.

I understand about the incontinence and cleaning it up. I am constantly cleaning up pee and poo. Living the dream. My only escape is when he goes to bed. 

I am sorry you are struggling, my venting is just that. Good luck, hope the daycare thing works out.

David J

60 Falcon, so many similarities in our stories!  I was considering day care, but then the covid shutdown hit. There are only two within an hour of here, and they both closed. One reopened a few months ago, but the other hasn’t. I upped the hours of our paid caregiver, but that was still only two afternoons per week and I was having trouble keeping up the rest of the time. Oh, and I gave her the mid-afternoon pills early on the days the caregiver came. If I didn’t, DW would get agitated, afraid, and slightly physical. No hitting, just hand gestures in the caregivers face. 

I am very familiar with the sound of running water that isn’t a faucet. It happened several times, mostly on the bedroom carpet. Thank goodness for Nature’s Miracle!

All the other behaviors you mention; the shadowing, the inability to toilet herself, incontinence, neediness; I know them all. And realizing that you need four of yourself to do the job? Four of you isn’t enough. 

I’ve previously posted that my wife entered memory care yesterday for a respite, while I have minor surgery. Between the time I put down my deposit and her move-in, i reached my breaking point. I can’t see how I could go back to how things have been the last month or two. Even after a respite I will still be only one person. I know that she will get better care at the MCF than I have been giving her at home. That has always been my decision point and I need to do what is best for her. It sounds like a you are nearing that point. 

Do what you need to do to give her the best care and to keep your own physical and mental health.

I’ll be thinking of you. 

Dave

Joe C.

Falcon, I hope you can find some way to get a break from your caregiver responsibilities, this is indeed to much to expect for one person. I know said you have looked for in home care with no luck but would it be possible to advertise in a local newspaper or through a local church for someone the might want have some experience and looking for a few hours work. I’m thinking of maybe a retired nurse or someone else with caregiving experience.

DrinaJGB

If she was not given her anxiety meds at the usual time that is most likely the reason for the agitation. Anxiety meds (Ex: benzodiazepines--ativan,klonipin, xanax, diazepam)---are extremely addictive and have brutal withdrawal symptoms.

 A person who has been given these meds for over a long period of time are addicted, and depending on the time on them and the dosage involved, withdrawal can even cause seizures and death. My DH was given ativan for3 months and it took over a year to wean him off slowly ---he was mean as a snake during withdrawal.To abruptly withdraw a dosage can wreck complete havoc on the nervous system.

Ed1937

I was thinking on the same line as Joe. Check with churches, senior centers, etc. There is probably a decent chance of finding some help there, and you won't have to drive a long way to get respite.