Sending Wife to Respite Care for My Back Surgery

btl1953

I desperately need back surgery to relieve extreme nerve pain in my legs. After 8 months of treatments this is what I'm down to. Surgery is scheduled  for Oct 6th. Doctor said I'll be able to care for myself but not DW. My Son and I went back and forth between in home care for DW or Respite Care in a facility. There were to many puzzle pieces to fit together for the in home care option so it is going to be Respite Care at Copper Ridge in Sykesville, MD. WE have completed all the forms and onsite evaluation of my DW. Everything is a go except getting her there. My wife in addition to suffering from Alz and mixed vascular dementia also has a condition called Anosognosia where she can't process the fact that she has Alz. I care for every aspect of her life (she is probably early stage 6) but she thinks she doesn't have any problems and can take care of herself.

She is in Adult Daycare 2 days a week and enjoys it while she is there but pitches a battle every morning when having to get ready to go. I never tell her that it is the day to go to Day Care until after she is dressed, has coffee, and her meds. Then I say today is "Senior Center Day" in order to limit the resistance time. WE have not told her about the Respite Care which will probably be at least 2 weeks maybe as many as 4 weeks.  I'm not sure how to introduce this to her (and I'm not planning on saying anything until it is almost the day to go). Has anyone else faced this and can offer any suggestions?

Ernie123

I think in this situation you need to rely on the staff at the facility to deal with any issues that may arise when your wife is dropped off. They are used to handling and distracting dementia patients. You probably realize there is no point in discussing the placement  in advance with your wife because she lacks the cognitive ability to understand the situation. She will respond more positively to the staff there than to you. If you try  to explain what is happening in advance of the move would just lead to argument and stress. Visit the facility in advance without your wife and drop off her clothes etc.  When the day comes just treat it like a senior centre day sleep over when you take her. The staff can distract her so you just leave. She will be reassured you will be back later.

This is what I was advised to do when my DW had to move to Memory Care two years ago. She was confused, but not too upset because the staff there were so great at welcoming her and reassuring her. The move was  far more traumatic for me than her.

You need to prioritize your health at this moment. She will be well cared for. You must accept the limitations her condition has placed on her ability to understand the complexities of  life. What you are doing is best for you both.

The only other suggestion might be to contact your doctor if you anticipate your wife may become very upset. Your doctor could prescribe a mild sedative the staff could administer PRN to help your wife adjust to her new environment.

David J

btl1953,

I took my wife to the MCF last week, and I am having a procedure done in two days. My wife does not have anosognosia and is farther along than your wife. I had a lot of doctor appointments leading up to this, and we went through the application process and evaluation without my wife questioning any of it. I told her I needed an operation, but I don’t think it registered.

I packed her a bag while she was asleep, and put it in the car.  The morning of the move, I just said “time to go” and drove her to the MCF.  We were met at the door and taken to her room. Once in the room, I told her again about the operation, and that I would not be able to take care of her while recuperating. I told her that “these nice people” would take care of her for me. One of the staff said. “We have a lot of fun here”! Another said “I hear music! Do you want to go listen?”  The next thing I know, she is sitting in her he Community Room with he only her residents, listening to a live pianist. Then I left. 

I get daily updates, though I have not visited. She is acclimating well, and I will see her tomorrow, before my surgery on Wednesday. 

I think you have prepared well, and the staff will be able to distract and entertain her while you quietly leave. They’ve done a his hundreds if times before. 

Good luck with your surgery!

Dave

Ed1937

I think you are wise not telling her about it until late in the game, maybe the day it will happen. She doesn't need to worry about it, and be upset any more than necessary. You'll just have to tell her that you have no choice but to have surgery, but you'll be back as soon as possible. Best of luck with your surgery.

JJAz

My friend faced this exact situation and told her husband that they were going to a 'bed and breakfast.'  After they arrived at the respite facility, she quietly left.  When she came back two weeks after her surgery, her husband's first words were "This is no darn* bed and breakfast."

btl1953

Thank you for all of the replies. It seems that with what I've learned about dealing with someone that has dementia was validated by your replies. I've been living with this for 11 years now and only in the last year and a half have things gotten really bad. Basically in April of 2020 the women that I loved and married left when she asked if I knew where her husband went (and did I know when he was coming back). From that point I became caregiver Tim that she for the most part holds in contempt (my theory is that she views me as a stranger that shouldn't be helping her with the personal things that need to be done).

I know what needs to be done (not just with this but everything) but I'm still bothered by the underhandedness of all the lies and omissions of convenience. I guess I'll probably feel that way until the end.   Thanks again for the thoughtful replies. 

Jo C.

I understand the feelings regarding fibs and needing to do things "underhandedly," BUT these are in many instances, "necessities," and not being done for a harmful or nasty reason and such fiblets can be a kindness for our Loved Ones.

These are unusual times and if our LO did not have dementia, there would be no need for such approaches, but it is what it is.

On the topic of fibs; if she cannot process your need for surgery recovery - have you thought of having the doctor tell your wife that she needs some rehab for herself and having him write an order on a prescription pad or letter for her to obtain rehab at such and such a center?  Just an idea.

I did use Google and looked at the facility she will be going to - it is really a very beautiful place in a beautiful setting - my guess is, that the staff will be very skilled at managing the admission and getting her settled in.   You need to focus on yourself and your needs - all will be well with your wife.

Sending you very best wishes for a successful surgery and a quick recovery period. Do let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you.

J.

btl1953

Jo C. wrote:

I understand the feelings regarding fibs and needing to do things "underhandedly," BUT these are in many instances, "necessities," and not being done for a harmful or nasty reason and such fiblets can be a kindness for our Loved Ones.

These are unusual times and if our LO did not have dementia, there would be no need for such approaches, but it is what it is.

On the topic of fibs; if she cannot process your need for surgery recovery - have you thought of having the doctor tell your wife that she needs some rehab for herself and having him write an order on a prescription pad or letter for her to obtain rehab at such and such a center?  Just an idea.

I did use Google and looked at the facility she will be going to - it is really a very beautiful place in a beautiful setting - my guess is, that the staff will be very skilled at managing the admission and getting her settled in.   You need to focus on yourself and your needs - all will be well with your wife.

Sending you very best wishes for a successful surgery and a quick recovery period. Do let us know how you are doing, we will be thinking of you.

J.

I had my back surgery on Oct 6th (2 days after taking DW to Copper Ridge for Respite Care). My surgery was successful (at least I'm still here) and the Doctor is pleased so far. It may take weeks or months to see if I get positive results from the numbness in my legs; so far the ever present pain in my left leg is gone. I returned home on Oct 8th.

To all who responded to my original post -- you were spot on as to how well the staff at Copper Ridge handled my DW's arrival and integration.  They were great. My Sons have divided up the calendar so one of them is visiting just about every day. From their visits so far they tell me DW is up sometimes and down sometimes. They gauge that mostly on the frequency of her wanting to know when she can go home. She does have vague recollection that something was wrong with me -- my Sons tell her that is why I'm in the hospital and she will come home when Tim is well enough to take care of her.  I am debating if I should go see her for fear that she will think "Tim looks OK to me so lets go home". Realistically it is probably going to be 3 or 4 weeks before I can resume her caregiving. As of now I'm not even supposed to bend over or twist my torso.  What do you think about visiting DW at Respite or not before she can return home?  Do you think my visiting her before she is able to return home will open a can of worms?

terei

Unless she is asking to see you + becoming upset or depressed at your absence, I would not go. It sounds like it would only invite her to expect you to take her home, which you cannot do.

Also, if you are considering placing her permanently, this, of course, is the time to do it, while she has become used to a facility.

Stuck in the middle

If you aren't supposed to bend or twist your torso, you should stay out of cars.  Back surgery success depends largely on compliance with post-op instructions.  So, as one man with back trouble to another, I suggest staying home.

Ed1937

Glad the surgery went well. Should you go to see her? My vote would be "NO". When you mentioned a can of worms, that's exactly what could happen. Then that would put more stress on both of you. Take your time to properly recover. I hope you have some help at home.

Cynbar

You need to take care of yourself right now. Rest, follow the doctor's instructions, be faithful to any exercises or physical therapy you are supposed to do. Your DW is being well cared for and has frequent family visits (what wonderful sons you have!). You also need to limit your stress as much as possible, you need that energy to recover, and your stress level will go sky high if a visit doesn't go well. My vote is , stay away for now.

abc123

Dear btl, I’m glad the surgery went well. Good for you. I totally agree with the other person who said how important the recovery period is regarding the success of the surgery. Take good care of yourself. I also agree with everyone else about not going visit. I think she will automatically assume you are there to bring her home and it would only hurt her feelings to have to stay. I’m sorry for you both. I wish you well. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Gig Harbor

I agree with the others who said don’t visit. This is your time for YOU. You deserve this time alone to heal and rest. She sounds like she is getting good care and there will be lots of things to keep her active and interested - much more so than at home. I also agree that if you are thinking that time for placement is approaching this is the perfect opportunity. After four weeks she will be settled in and adjusted to her new life. She may have only vague recollections of her life at home. I hope your recuperation goes well.