Angry LO

ReesesPieces

My dad was diagnosed sometime in the past 2 years (late 2019-early 2020), but it wasn't until March 2020 (yes as COVID lockdowns began) that it became a very large issue.  He had stopped taking care of himself and lost a lot of weight.  We also noticed that he was having odd behavior.  He was living alone in his own house.  At that time, I enacted the durable POA, at the direction of his doctor.  I also took over his finances 100%, as he was double paying bills and not paying others.  He also threw away his checkbook - he didn't like clutter and threw everything away.  We tried starting at 8 hour in-home care - someone to keep him company and cook meals.  We then figured out he was not properly managing his medications.  I took over separating everything out and labeling and the caregiver would sent them out for him nightly.  As time progressed, the doctor was not comfortable with him living alone, and he needed 24 hour supervision.  He always like to walk, and was able to bathe himself and that type of care.  We offered to hire a service for 24 hours, and he refused and asked to be put into AL.  He knew which AL he wanted, as there was one very close to where he lived.  We moved him in in August 2020.  

Since taking over his finances, I was able to figure out his financial advisor was not helping my dad, but rather hindering him.  He wasn't doing anything illegal, he was just becoming incompetent.  I fired that advisor, and brought his finances to the same advisor I use - makes things much easier.  (I am the trustee of his trust).  When I took over, I moved all of his statements and mail to me, so that he didn't have to worry about finances.  At the time (March 2020), he was happy that we did that.  I did leave him with a credit card, but had the credit card limit reduced.  I didn't want him to feel that he didn't have money.  Fast forward to now, he is furious with me.  He thinks that I have stolen everything from him and locked him in jail.  He called me just two days ago and told me that I have ruined his life, F off and he will never speak to me again.  This type of behavior happens roughly every couple of weeks, but this was the worst.  I know that I'm the adult in the situation,  but I don't want my dad to be miserable all the time.  A lot of his anger towards me comes from years ago when he blamed me and his ex-wife (my mother) for things at his work (completely out of our control).

My brother, who lives three time zones away, reacts to my dad as well, which then creates a riff between the two of us.  

Sorry for the long winded story, but I'm afraid I'm failing my dad.  If I try to give information to him, he will not fully understand it.  My dad is fairly young - 75 - and we think (based on doctor's conversations) that he is in the middle stages.  I also believe my dad is depressed.  He does "dream"/or hallucinate very odd things at times as well.

Just looking to this group for affirmation that I should continue and follow my dad's wishes that I be his POA and caregiver, and not shifting that to my brother.  I think if we sent him across country, it would be detrimental to my dad, and I'm not sure I trust that my brother would know what to do.

Thanks for listening - it helps just to get it out.

harshedbuzz

RP-

When your dad was competent to do so, he chose you to act on his behalf when he could no longer look out for himself. Your job is to keep him safe; it may not be possible for him to be happy at this point. 

A couple of thoughts-

1. If this is not a high acuity AL for MC; it might be time to move him into a MCF where there would be more staff interaction and activities would be appropriate for someone who has had a cognitive shift. 

2. My dad accused me of all manner of evil. It's very common in the middle and early late stages. Validation, redirection and apologies helped a lot, but not as much as getting him under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed a cocktail of medications to dial back the anxiety and agitation that drove the worst of it.

3. You don't have to answer the phone. You can let it go to voicemail and return the call when you're up for it. Some folks get a burner phone which has a soothing outgoing message for their LO. And sometimes the phone needs to disappear. 

Good luck.

HB

cazgj

Thanks for sharing this. I'm new to all of this and after my dad passing in March we realized how bad my Mom's Alzheimers really was. She is in a home and I'm her DPOA and am running her trust. All of what you've said is exactly what we are going through as well. She's at the point now threatening to call APS to tell them that I've stolen all of her money and am neglecting her. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and really guess I didn't realize others are and have gone through this same thing.

Stuck in the middle

You are not failing your parents.  You are doing exactly what they asked you to do when they were in possession of their faculties and appointed you their POA.  Your parents chose you as their POAs for a reason.  You are strong enough to do what needs to be done, even when it angers the person you are protecting.  You are like the person who takes an intoxicated person's car keys, accepting the anger to keep them safe.  Good job!

Milady1122

First thing I learned... Don't take anything personally.

They will lash out at the person caring for them or the one they see the most.

My Mom has accused me of taking all her money, trying to poison her, trying to make her fall so I can take her house, threatened to call the police, on and on.  There was no point arguing with her, and if I thought she really meant all the terrible things she said, I would have given up long ago.  She also thought she could telepathically talk to the doctors or anyone else she chose (mostly so they would take her side against whatever I said haha) and had some crazy hallucinations.  I never yell, just talk to her in a low calm voice.  Sometimes I need to just leave the room for a short time.  I worked with her geriatric doctors and tried a couple different meds until we found what worked.  She is at home with aides during the day and me at night.  She still occasionally gets crabby or disgruntled, but I use my own tools to distract and redirect her when I can.  She still sometimes thinks she is in the car or the basement and i just discuss it with her and point out things in her room. It is a much calmer discussion now.

Take deep breaths, don't argue the point.  Just understand what they feel is real to them. I can tell my mother as much as I want that she is in the house, but before the meds if she thought she was in the car, it was real and she could describe everything she sees as if she was there. 

Read these posts and articles.  Everyone here is going through this and may have suggestions, tips etc, but you'll find your way. Your mental health is as important as his. 

Good Luck

ReesesPieces

Thank you all for your kind words and guidance.  I truly appreciate it!