Have to decide if I move in with my Mom (…again)

Jolynn05

Haven’t been on in a while. Over two years since I posted and my mom has gotten worse of course. She’s 91 and still living at home alone. She is on two different medicines for dementia but that’s all she takes so she’s relatively “healthy”.  My siblings take turns twice a week picking her up and feeding her dinner at their houses and I come over 1-2 times a month on Saturday and feed her dinner so she has dinner every night of the week taken care of. M-W-F we have a nurse/companion come sit with her and get her to bathe and feed her lunch. The rest of the days she is alone until someone gets her for dinner. I believe she is middle-late stage dementia and the doctor recently said as much. When they come to pick her up lately around 3pm she is usually in her pajamas. That being said, I am planning on moving in with her the first of December with all but one of my siblings agreeing it’s necessary (my sister who didn’t is another story altogether) and am very anxious about it. I have to give my landlord notice tomorrow that I plan on leaving. One of my last posts was one when I was living there. I was only there 3 weeks and ended up leaving because it was so hard emotionally. She’s changed a lot since then, physically and mentally but the problem is she doesn’t want anyone there with her and constantly says so. She says she doesn’t want me there when we bring it up and when the nurses come, or really anyone, she asks when they are leaving. She is very adamant about this and gets mad about it. Is this common and how do you handle moving in with them? It’s a small town and we are having a hard time finding a full time caregiver during the day as we’d need one since I still work full time (at home). I really just need advice about how to logistically do it as well as how to prepare emotionally if that’s even possible. Me being there is mainly to be there at night and when someone else isn’t. Although I know that won’t really be the case. No one knows what she does between when we drop her off after dinner and when the nurses come the next morning and that’s only three days out of the week. (And no one wants to even talk about memory care placement.) I’m sorry for rambling but I was sure I could get some good insight on here about if I should do it and how to get her if possible to accept it. Thanks in advance.

JRo1

I almost moved my mother in with me early 2019 and she did some very bad things because she was getting to be delusional and I did not see the signs but became angry and what she was doing behind my back.  When I found out, I opted out of moving her in. 10 months later she had a health event and I felt that she could not be alone and the passage of time made me less wary so I bought a bigger house to accommodate her and let her move in.  My life has been a nightmare ever since as she has declined mentally into an extreme delusion disorder and nightmarish anger, resentment and accusations, vile language.  There is no recourse to move her out unless her anger moves beyond tantrums of words.  I would never make the decision to have her live with me if I ever had another choice.

Marta

Jolynn:  this situation could be greatly improved, for both you and your mom, with the use of psychoactive medications to reduce her resistance to in-home assistance.  Please read my reply to Jro on her separate thread as to how you might accomplish getting mom on medication without her even realizing it (thus, much lower chance of her being resistant).

jfkoc

Bottom to late stage = she can not be left to live alone. It is no longer safe. It has nothing to do with meals or bathing or eating. She can not live safely by herself. So the question is, as you have stated, how is your mother taken care of 24/7.

You can certainly try living with her. If it does not work is the situation worsse or do you just then try Plan B. You may go through to Plan F who knows.

If you decide to move in understand that it is your choice but that the choice is not permanent. Be prepared for her anger etc. It is not going to be fun.

How to get her to accept  having you? You make up stuff like your house is being painted and youu need a place to live.

Is there a DPOA in place???? If so the agent named will be the one to make the decisions re placement et al.

Emily 123

Hi,

You need to make this decision by weighing the facts. Have you spent any extended period with your mom lately?  Right now you have an opportunity to do a test run, but not give up your apartment.  Perhaps hold off on cancelling your lease for now until you have a better idea of what this will take. 

Try visiting her place as if you are living there, and see if you can maintain your work schedule for a week or two with the M/W/F aide and family still helping with meals (you'll need a break). As you note, she's progressed. Though she's done ok with the current plan up to now (as far as you know), once you're there you may see that this will be a lot more labor-intensive than you thought.

Lindsay22

My mom was always asking me and her caregivers to leave when she was at home.  She would also get ready for bed at 3pm and become increasingly upset the longer anyone stayed with her.  Since she has moved to MC she is on their schedule and eats dinner in the dining room and gets ready for bed in the evening.  Last year (when my mom was late stage 5) her doctor told me she would need 24/7 care within a year.  We moved her to MC a few weeks ago, their timing estimate was right on.  One big thing to consider with 24/7 caregiving is the night.  When it's just you if she's up all night so are you and then you have to work all day.  If MC is financially feasible it is almost certainly the best option.

mommyandme (m&m)

Inexpensive in home room cameras were very helpful to my brother and I since all three of us lived in different states. We still use them even though I mostly live with my mom.  Mom has 24/7 care now and has had for two years.

 Invaluable tool!