Depressed

HeartOnSleeve2210

I hope no one minds me confiding here. I know this is all part of the disease, but I find it incredibly hard to let the mean things my Grandfather says roll off my back. I know he doesn't mean them, however I find it hard to just let them go. They tend to feed into my depression, try as I might not to let them, and that in turn turns my mood sour for the rest of the day. I know I need to have a thicker skin, but that's often easier said than done. I've always been a naturally sensitive person and I take things to heart more often then I should. I'm still very new to the caretaker journey so I'm still new to these things. How do you all handle it when your LO's say nasty things? What advice do you have to help me grow a thicker skin?

Whyzit

Hi Heartonsleeve, You are facing a tough journey, but there are many positive people here that will help you. Ugly and mean comments do hurt and if we allow them to, they will spoil our day. The key to this is not allowing these comments to fester in our mind. The person with AZ has a broken mind. Why would we allow someone with a broken mind steal the joy we could have from us? We have power over our choices. I choose to not let unkind comments from anyone have power over me. Hurting people hurt people. Best wishes to you.

HeartOnSleeve2210

Thank you! The journey is indeed tough, but I am doing my best to see it through! There are the better times as well. Just the other day, I gave my Grandfather his medicine, and he said that he thought God sent me out to help them, as he wouldn't remember his medicine otherwise, so I'll try to remember that as well.

sandwichone123

Welcome Heart, I'm sorry you need to find us, but this is a great place to get support.

You are right that he doesn't mean the things he says at times, but it's still painful. However, there are good times when the old "him" can still show through. You might do well to get a journal so you can write down the things that remind you of why you do what you are doing.

Also there's a poster called Lady Texan that has dealt with this sort of issue a lot. You might do a search for gratitude and find some of her amazing insights.

harshedbuzz

HOS-

It is hard when a LO spews all manner of ugly accusations at their caregiver. IME, how one responds is often very tied into the type of relationship that existed prior and the caregiver's temperament. 

I am not often a fan of a grandchild stepping in as a fulltime caregiver when there are adult children of the PWD who should be handling this. Perhaps because of your personality or youth or even your grandfather's presentation, you are not a great fit for caregiving. Not everyone is cut out to be a hands-on caregiver.

IMO, it's is too big an ask for a younger person who should be investing in their own future- schooling, career establishment, building relationships and families of their own and saving for their futures- to be hands-on caregiver to a grandparent. 

I think the emotional aspects of caregiving as a younger person are harder in many respects. The individual might not have a useful support system in the form of a SO who has your back or peers who have been through the dementia experience. If they are very young, they may not have had time to develop the grit needed for this difficult task. And then there's the unique nature of many grandparent/grandchild relationships wherein each sees that other in an idealized manner makes the ugliness harder to bear when it spills out. 

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I try to handle my frustrations, sadness, fears etc… immediately so they don’t fester. 

For instance, sometimes the unkind words, accusations and/ or suspicions directed at me leave me feeling very sad. I try to take a minute or many away from my loved one, as soon as I can, to cry or scream in a pillow or whatever. Then I can feel a bit less aggravated and eventually move on to the rest of my day.  Some days I spend a lot of time in my room but I’m better for it and so is she. 

I so wish for you to live your young life without the responsibility for your grandfather. Maybe this is your paying gig right now, if so, please get time away for yourself and your life. 

HeartOnSleeve2210

This isn't a paying gig for me, as it is for others. My Grandparents helped raise me when I was younger, and I see this as not only a way for me to give back to them, bit also a way to spend time with my Grandfather while he is still, for the most part, himself. I have my Mother, my Aunt, my Uncle, and my Grandmother as my support system. Just the other day, my Grandmother got me out of the house for a little while. While it is hard, I do relish this time I get to spend with them, as I am acutely aware that I won't have them around forever. That being said, I do appreciate the advice and I do make sure that I take time for myself!

Space within

Dear Heart, 

 I agree with what the others have shared to help deal with any anger or hurt emotions that can come up when caring for LO.   I often found the best thing I did-although the hardest- was to truly take a break or "me" time as needed.  I had to make an effort to be okay with - having someone help/care for LO and take time away- an hour - half hour - a few hours - whatever!   Refuel in whatever way I needed.    Wih self care I was able to ride out those waves of sadness, hurt, loneliness, etc much better. And show up with more patience, presence and love for my LO.  Once my LO started staying in MC, this to a degree- still was something I had to do- as I would go there nearly every night for four or so hours.    Once CO VID hit-  I learned so much about faith. 

  It's a journey..being a caregiver for a LO.   Feeling hurt and depressed is part of being human.  Treat those times like a storm...and remember this too shall pass.   

Both, the caregiver and LO are blessings and gifts in each other's lives.

Thank you for being here.   

LittleVolcano

Hi HOS, first off, I just want to say thank you for caring for your grandfather. You're doing an amazing thing--the toughest thing!--and I hope you take a moment here and there to appreciate your own strength despite it all. I've always hated how doing the "right" thing is often the "hardest" thing, and caring for someone we love with dementia fits the bill.

I'm about 5 years into secondary caregiving for my mother (my father is the primary, but I come over near daily), and while Mom has always been very kind and loving to me, the disease often badmouths my father because Mom rarely recognizes him anymore and thinks he's been "gone for years" or is a stranger. It's hard, if not impossible to listen to. I'm fiercely protective of my family, so when Dad has had it up to here with the disease, I get protective of Mom, and when the disease badmouths my father, I get protective of Dad. I'm very sensitive too, and I can't say that I've ever gotten a thicker skin about it. My hackles always raise up.

I can't comment on what to do when an LO directs comments at myself, because it doesn't happen to me (however, I would trade places with my father and would prefer to be the target in a second since he lives with Mom and I don't), but when the disease badmouths my father, I typically either ignore it and literally walk away or I defend Dad in the cheeriest tone possible (which is futile, but it helps me), and then walk away when my cheery convincing doesn't work and wait for the disease's tantrum to pass, which it usually does.

Mostly, what helps me most is texting my husband (or my brothers or friends) with a simple, "UGH, the disease is being an a-hole. >eye roll emoji<" and that usually helps me separate my mother from the disease enough to let the moment pass and distance myself from some of the hurt. In general, when there is unwanted behavior, I phrase it as "the disease did this..." or "the disease did that..." (both in my head and when I tell others) since my Mom would never do these things. And I imagine your grandfather is the same. The disease is saying these things to you, not your grandfather. Definitely hold tight to your favorite moments with him and flash back on them when the disease is doing its worst. Mine is Mom frantically waking me up at about 7am on Christmas morning because there was a rainbow outside. She was like a kid on, well, Christmas morning (and she's 75). I've never seen her so youthful and excited, and of all the people in the house, she wanted to share that moment with me. Revisit your favorite times with your grandfather often (especially with him if he remembers them). The rest is just the disease being an a-hole. 

Thanks so much for all you do for him. I'm so glad that he occasionally is lucid enough to voice his appreciation to you (funny enough, tonight Mom thanked me for helping her organize her pills as well). My father and I always share Mom's lucid moments with each other to remind ourselves that she's still in there and the disease hasn't totally taken her from us. I don't think the rude comments that the disease makes to him ever get easier for him (or me), so instead, we try to shift our thinking to how and why we love her so much and are tolerating this horrible, BS disease for her (she would do the same for us...probably way better than we're doing for her cuz she's a Super Mom). You might not get thicker skin, but you'll most likely grow an even stronger heart. Thanks for hanging in there. You can vent and/or seek advice as much as you need to in here. I've done it often, and everyone here is great and totally understands.

Big hugs!!!

BassetHoundAnn

How do I handle it when my LO says nasty things about me? As others have said, you have to keep reminding yourself that it's the disease...it's the disease...it's the disease. They wouldn't say these things otherwise, they would never say these things if their mind was healthy.

Beyond that, it's a matter of building up a strong ego. I've been in this battle for over a year taking care of my mom. The things she says about me to others often shock me, hurt me, having me scratching my head. But I remind myself that I'm doing a wonderful job take care of her, trying to keep her happy, trying to anticipate her anxieties and needs, handling her meds, her finances, her tantrums and meltdowns, cleaning her up in the bathroom and getting her to the doctor and dentist. There's no one else who would do a better job taking care of her than me. There isn't. It's just not possible. And I'm doing everything I possibly can to fill this role admirably and effectively. So when she complains about me these days...I ignore it. It's superfluous. It's meaningless. 

So that's what you have to do. You love your granddad as no one else would. You're a wonderful loving grandson who worries about him and cares for him as no one else would. Whenever he complains about you remind yourself of this. Don't permit his words to have significance or meaning. What's important is your love for him and your relationship with him. That goes beyond words. Ignore the words. Remind yourself of how good you are to him and how wonderful your love for him is. That is what is important. Ignore the words. 

Good luck! It's a hard, horrible journey. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Little Volcano, 

I love your perspective on “the disease”. Way easier to place the resentment there instead of on our LO.  

Thank you!