Finding out who your real friends are

Jack Z.

I'm sure this has been covered on the board already but it's interesting (although very sad) to see how a number of our friends have slowly separated themselves from us because of my DW's AD.

Unfortunately some of her friends aren't qualified to deal with her disease.  Some however, remain steadfast.

What's been your experience?

DrinaJGB

Precisely true. Once they realize the significant change and how uncomfortable it makes them they start to vanish.

   The ones I still hear from --my friends mostly from before we were married---never even ask any longer how he is or how I am doing. It's completely superficial. Hell, as far as that goes neither does our daughter. She also just keeps it very safe and superficial.

  It's very sad, and it makes me very lonely. My DH doesn't really seem to ind as he doesn't recall many of them, and he is so detached emotionally he doesn't seem to even mind being away from our daughter (she lives a whopping 5 miles away!). He barely talks to me all day.

  But I miss the interaction and I long for someone to really talk to and go out to lunch or to a nursery with--just for the human connection and companionship.

But after 12 years I've pretty much accepted it. I chalk it up to fear. They are afraid of the truth; both of hearing it and especially seeing it.

  And why shouldn't they be? It could happen to them.

Cynbar

There have been (very active) threads on this before, and it always amazes me that most everyone is having the same experience. There might be an occasional post saying that a couple old friends have stayed involved, but that's about it. So many people say "Let me know if there is anything I can do," but they don't mean it. I used to ask a couple of old friends or relatives for something specific, maybe to take DH for a ride or out to lunch, but they always came up with some excuse and it never happened. Once we weren't as much fun anymore, friends moved on without us. It's another sad reality on this dementia journey.

Arrowhead

I guess I’ve been blessed. My wife was diagnosed just over five years ago and appears to be approaching stage 6. I have been given so much support from friends and family. When they talk to us they always ask me how she’s doing. They always talk to her as best as they can. Unfortunately, too many of them have had at least some experience with this disease. But even those who haven’t usually try to give us some degree of support.

M1

Timely; this has been on my mind this week.  We have one couple, one single friend, one neighbor, and one former work colleague of my partner's (her old trim carpenter) who have stuck with us; that's about it.  But I'm so aware that my partner has withdrawn from so many people; friendships are typically two-way streets, and she can't really be a friend to others any more, so like Drina said, I don't really blame them.

We heard from one former friend this month who --after five years--remains pissed that my partner withdrew from her.  There were actually good reasons for it; but she feels like she was "ghosted"--her term--for no reason and doesn't understand that the dementia was at play even back then.  She called earlier this month when I wasn't here, and then called me wanting to set up a time to visit.  I was surprised--and when I asked my partner about it, she has absolutely no memory of the conversation and doesn't want to resume contact.  So I explained this, and she was pissed all over again.  Not worth the trouble, frankly.

I am firmly convinced it's easier to handle this--and the pandemic isolation--because we're both pretty serious introverts.  But that said, I'm very aware that our isolation has increased to a significant degree.  The telephone used to ring off the hook for my charismatic partner, and it very rarely does any more.

I still have my kids and work contacts to protect me from complete withdrawal, but I am aware that I will need to get out there and make new friends when my partner dies.  I could be a terrible hermit and will have to take measures not to let that happen.

Rescue mom

The steadfast ones are treasure. Never never never take for granted.

Our experience is like most others, especially Cynbar and Drina. And like M1, our phone used to ring constantly, the calendar was full. That was before Alzheimer’s.  My DH was Mr. Social, always a party. Now he can’t have a conversation. 

 A couple who took  him to lunch brought him back quick. No repeat invitations, they told me taking him out was a lot harder than they expected. 

One of his old friends might stop by every few weeks. Others told me they can’t stand to see him like this. Wives have told me DH scares others for their future. Most just vanished. I myself have friends I can call and go to lunch, etc., but our worlds and lives are very different now. 

At least I’m pretty sure DH does not remember those old friends. As said, friendship does take two, although some part of me wants to think illness is a different matter. But of course this is a different kind of illness.

Stuck in the middle

Most human relationships are transactional.  If you're not fun anymore, they quit calling.

When I worked for the SSA's disability program, I saw no telling how many marriages break up a year or two after one or the other lost the ability to earn a living.  I remember people who were newly injured and just applying for disability whose SOs had already dumped them.  

A lot of PWDs lose their spouses too.  Those people don't post here, for obvious reasons.

Iris L.

Stuck in the middle wrote:

Most human relationships are transactional.  If you're not fun anymore, they quit calling.

When I worked for the SSA's disability program, I saw no telling how many marriages break up a year or two after one or the other lost the ability to earn a living.  I remember people who were newly injured and just applying for disability whose SOs had already dumped them.  

A lot of PWDs lose their spouses too.  Those people don't post here, for obvious reasons.

Test

Iris L.

Stuck in the middle wrote:

A lot of PWDs lose their spouses too.  Those people don't post here, for obvious reasons.

I lost my husband.  He emotionally withdrew from our marriage.  Years after we had divorced, he told me that he believed I was running a game on him because I did not remember our conversations.  I had told him that I had a bad memory but he did not believe me.  It was very bad for both of us.  We loved each other, but the love could not overcome massive misunderstandings.

Iris

GothicGremlin

It's been a mixed bag here. I've been disappointed with some family members, especially my brother, but my sister's friends have been amazing. She's incredibly lucky to have several who go above and beyond.  One of her friends in particular is pretty much a candidate for sainthood. He took care of his ailing mother for years, driving from southern CA to northern CA every single weekend.  Now he's doing that for my sister. He told me that she's like family at this point (they've known each other since jr college).  I don't think he'll ever bail on her.  One of her elementary school friends is pretty close too.

I've made sure to become friendly with all of her close friends - they come by, some even take her out. I'm grateful to all of them.

The family members who disappoint me - they're kind of like the people who Drina and Cynbar mentioned. I know they don't know what to say or do, so they give me the bland "let me know what I can do", but they never step up.  That's okay, I'm disappointed, but I understand. And you never know, where there's life there's hope, so it's possible they'll step up at some point.

RanchersWife

I have 3 girlfriends from high school. They support me so much. A few weeks ago we vowed to not abandon each other or our spouses if this happens to us or our spouses.

Stuck in the middle

Iris, I am so sorry for what happened to you.

Just so we're clear, when I said "those people" don't post here I meant the exes of the PWDs.