Concerned LO

devoteddaughter17

I know that I am not the spouse of someone with dementia, however, I am concerned about my dad. My mom was diagnosed in April 2018 and since then my dad has been distant and destructive. I thought that he was dealing with things in his own way, but the longer it goes the worse it gets. He has friends, but doesn't necessarily want to hang out with them. He has me and my sister (she lives in a different state) but refuses to talk to either of us on occasion. He talks to me more than my sister because of the time difference and the fact that he can't avoid me. Here's my question, how do I help him? My mom was put in a nursing facility in August 2020, and my dad has gone downhill from there. He is spending more and more time at the bar and has gone from only drinking beer to drinking whiskey and on the really hard days long island ice teas. Normally, this wouldn't necessarily be concerning to me (other than the liquor) but he called me from the bar the other night and told me he was on a destructive path and didn't know how to stop. I don't know how to help him. He refuses counseling, the more he visits mom the more he drinks, and he doesn't know when to stop and go home. He asked for help, but I don't know how to help. 

Can anyone help me??

M1

Welcome to the forum DD.  Doesn't matter that you're not a spouse, we all post on multiple forums, and I feel sure others will chime in soon.

I'm so sorry, this sounds very worrisome.  At least he was able to tell you he's having trouble, that's at least a start.  I don't have personal experience with a family member abusing alcohol, but I suspect he's trying to self-medicate and is just making things worse.

One thing:  The Alzheimer's Association has a free 24/7 hotline, 1-800-272-3900.  Ask to speak to a care consultant.  They may be able to give you some ideas, as might your local chapter.

Good luck.  Others will respond too, there will be someone who's dealt with similar.  No topic off limits.

Rescue mom

I was also looking for the hotline number and care consultant M1 mentioned. Be sure to ask for “care consultant.” I can’t tell what might be dementia or what might be alcohol abuse. 

Your local Alcoholic Anonymous also usually has groups/help for family members. Friends say that really helped them deal with elders with dementia who also drink too much. It’s good he reached out to you as much as he did, that’s a big first step, so he may be ready for help. 

Joe C.

DD, I agree with Rescue Mom about reaching out to Alcoholics Anonymous or even better if you know a family member of friend who is in AA. I have been in recovery for 38 years and will attest that AA works and helps me stay sober through my journey with DW’s AD.

harshedbuzz

devoteddaughter17 wrote:

I know that I am not the spouse of someone with dementia, however, I am concerned about my dad. My mom was diagnosed in April 2018 and since then my dad has been distant and destructive. I thought that he was dealing with things in his own way, but the longer it goes the worse it gets. He has friends, but doesn't necessarily want to hang out with them.

He is likely depressed. It's not unusual for people, men especially, to react with destructive behavior to depression whether baseline or situational. When my younger sister died, my dad climbed right into the bottle and drank himself into an alcohol-related dementia. 

He may be avoiding friends, especially if they seem to be living the dream- a lovely spouse who is a full partner, financial security, travel and dinners out. My own mom was very bitter about people whose lives were "carefree" despite having enjoyed 15 years of fabulous retirement. 

He has me and my sister (she lives in a different state) but refuses to talk to either of us on occasion. He talks to me more than my sister because of the time difference and the fact that he can't avoid me. Here's my question, how do I help him?

I think the idea of checking in with AlAnon or a care consultant here is a terrific idea. Another option might be to reach out to his own PCP and share your concerns there if he's the sort who might listen to a doctor. 

My mom was put in a nursing facility in August 2020, and my dad has gone downhill from there.

Did your mom's dementia progress unusually quickly or was she diagnosed in a later stage of the disease? Is he still processing what has happened to them as a couple? Did dad have any support at home with mom's care? It's kind of odd the way your phrased the bolded; unless she had a state appointed guardian, someone in the family actively made a decision for residential care. Did he have support in that? Or is he feeling he is some how breaking a promise turning the hands-on care over to professional staff?

My mom had a lot of guilt around placing dad. One thing that helped was me reminding her of the 10 years or so she spent as his caregiver that allowed him to be home and kept him entertained as long as that was possible.

He is spending more and more time at the bar and has gone from only drinking beer to drinking whiskey and on the really hard days long island ice teas.

This could be a problem. A DUI could cost him the money needed for his care and mom's. Heavy drinking is not only associated with liver issues, it can impact the heart and cognition. As I said, my dad drank himself into dementia. This is why I suggested looping his doctor in. 

Normally, this wouldn't necessarily be concerning to me (other than the liquor) but he called me from the bar the other night and told me he was on a destructive path and didn't know how to stop. I don't know how to help him. He refuses counseling, the more he visits mom the more he drinks, and he doesn't know when to stop and go home. He asked for help, but I don't know how to help. 

Do you have a sense of why he needs to get drunk after visits? Was he forced to accept a bed in a mediocre facility because of finances or your mom's behaviors? Is it harder for him to see her there than if she were in a better place? Is your mom triggered by dad's visits and acting out when he comes? We had this problem early on after dad went into memory care- he would excoriate my mother and accuse her of all manner of disloyalty. He had just enough on the ball to behave if others were around, so we made sure to visit together and in the public spaces where he'd behave. 

Maybe you could go with him to visit or even offer to visit in his stead. You might invite him for dinner after a visit so he has a soft place to land after. 

Can anyone help me??

Good luck. I hope you find a way to get dad back on better footing. 

My mom was agreeable to counseling and a psychiatrist for medication, but she got at least as much benefit from her IRL support group. I attended with her for the first year or so. 

Ed1937

Devoteddaughter, welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this. We have a lot of good people who will try to give you good suggestions. 

 "he called me from the bar the other night and told me he was on a destructive path and didn't know how to stop. "

He realizes he has a problem, but does not know how to help himself, so he is asking for your help. Please get in touch with Al-Anon, or if you know of someone who is active in AA, talk to them about your father. Ask for help wherever you might get it. If you don't ask, nobody will even know he needs help. The fact he called you is a big step in getting help. I wish the best for both of you.

Cynbar

The nursing home where your mom is should have a social worker on staff. These vary widely by training and competence, but hopefully your facility has a good one. Reach out to him/her about your concerns, see if they will speak with your dad and try to draw him out. They would likely seek him out when he visits, present it that they want to know how he is doing without saying you have spoken with them. They also may have some info for you on resources in your area. This does sound worrisome and you are right to bring it here, you'll get a ton of advice and support on these boards. Good luck.

Mint

Devoted daughter

Some of this sounds familiar to me and there is a possibility your dad is suffering from depression and alcohol is the drug he is using to treat it.

When my dad got an acute episode of depression he would stop talking.  My dad’s drug of choice was work.  When he retired and sold the farm that was when things really got out of control.

My dad eventually lost his battle with depression.  Then I started reading on it to help me understand.  In my reading found out that alcoholics use it as the drug for treating their depression. Alcohol use is frequently a symptom of underlying depression. Feel so sorry for anyone suffering from such a horrible disease.

In my case, was very hard to get my dad to seek treatment for his depression, especially through the mental health field which would have been the best. All we can do is try our best and know that we did.

Would agree with others here about calling and talking with a care consultant to get some guidance with this.  So sorry your family is suffering this pain.  Hope you are able to help your dad find some peace.  

Please come here and talk anytime you need to.  My mom suffers from dementia too.  Have wondered if my dad didn’t already see the signs before me since he lived with her, and could not handle another thing.  One of my sisters mentioned this to me. Told her I had had the same thought

Take care

Buggsroo

Devoted daughter,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your dad sounds like he is suffering from depression and self medicating. I think the advice the others have given you is spot on. You might also suggest a support group for family members who have a loved one who has dementia.

The fact he is going to a bar is probably quite lonely at home. A group might bring him out of himself, if he balks, offer to go with him if you are in town.

devoteddaughter17

Harshedbuzz:

So my mom was diagnosed young. From the research I have been able to do the deterioration when diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's is shorter. Their prognosis in this situation is closer to 3 to 5 years as opposed to 5 to 10 years. Of course, this all depends on the health of the person and my mom is in good health so we may get more years with her. My dad has always had mine and my sister's support with my mom's care. We feel that everything he has done has been in her best interest. I think the guilt comes from their vows of for better or worse. She was no longer safe in their family home because she was wandering and would try to leave without him, he wasn't sleeping at night because she had no concept of time and would be up at 2 am saying it was time to go and get ready for work. 

I have offered to go to support groups with him or a counselor with him and he doesn't want to go. He will not allow anyone to go with him to see her, that is something he has said to me. I did speak with him and offered a solution to his call for help of sobriety and counseling or at the very least speaking with someone in the same position or who has gone through the same or similar situation. 

At this point the ball is in his court. I have offered what help I can and told him that I will be there for him no matter what. 

Thank you for all the kind words and pointing me in the direction of helping him.