Asking To Come Home From Facility

LucyStone

Hello. I am new here. My wonderful mother is progressing in her Alzheimer's journey, and we recently admitted her to a very cozy, nice personal care home. She is agitated and asks to come home, and wants me to take her to her mother and her baby. I am struggling with how to comfort her, and let her know we haven't abandoned her. Any advice is welcome. I feel guilty at times living my life when I know she is there and unhappy. Thank you.

SparkleMonster

Lucy, it's so hard to hear when they are unhappy, but I've decided they wouldn't be happy anywhere. We admitted my dad to an amazing place (he chose it. I kind of wanted to live there myself it was so amazing) but he was constantly stressed and unhappy. We moved him in with us and it's been very difficult. I wish we had left him there with caregivers who know what they are doing. He goes through periods where he's unhappy and complains here. It's really the disease that they struggle with. They will struggle anywhere and be unhappy. Try to still do things that make you happy. It's very difficult to not get burn out. I send you all the best wishes.

Carmella Lee

Hello. I am new here too. Last week my mother told me that we spoke twice in the morning and I said I’d come pick her up. The truth is I was working and didn’t even call my mother. She got really agitated with me and told me that I tricked her and hung up on me. It’s so hard. Today I called and the first five minutes were great and then she told me that she never thought I’d leave her in there and then she hung up on me again. 

This disease made me realize how God must feel when He does what is for our good not what we want. We may question and curse Him because we don’t get our way. But He loves us too much to give us what we want because He knows what will hurt us. 

LucyStone

Sparklemonster, Thank you very much for responding! And for your words of encouragement, especially the reminder to not get burnt out. I know she would want me to continue to live my life. Best wishes to you.

LucyStone

Carmella Lee, 

Thank you for answering! I feel better knowing I am not alone. My mom doesn't remember me calling either, and it breaks my heart. Prayers to you!

Rockym

Lucy, asking to come home is one of the most common requests.  One of the best things I learned years ago was to use therapeutic fibs.  This would be to calmly answer your mom and tell her that yes, you will all go tomorrow.  You can also say the house is being cleaned, but we will go when it's done.  The thing is, many of our parents do not even know what home they are talking about.

It was hard for me in the beginning to "lie" but when I saw how much better it made her feel I knew I was doing the right thing.  Later on it sort of became a game for me.  It's difficult when we are brought up to be honest and then we BS, but believe me... all she wants is to be comforted and saying the right thing is just that.

Rescue mom

Most of the time, at these later stages, they do not know what “home” is, where it is, or if it exists. My mom was facility, home again, and back to different facility. 

She always wanted to go home, no matter where she was. For a time, we could decipher she meant her childhood home, which had not existed for over 50 years. 

It’s sad. Especially when she’d always talked about how she did not want to live like that (as older relatives) and did not want to be a burden. She would want you to have a life. You can comfort her, to some degree, by talking and reassuring her you will always care for her. What Rocky and others said. Sometimes our LOs simply cannot be happy, as we think of happy.

King Boo

The best answer is the one that will bring the most comfort, at the time.  It can change, day by day.

"She's not here now.  Let's go get a snack!"

"Yes, it will be nice to go home when you are strong enough.  You are doing such a good job with your exercises, let's go for a walk now!"

"Auntie is watching her - isn't it nice to have the help?  It's time to....... "

"She is taking a nap now.  Are you tired?  You could nap, or we could go for a stroll outside...."

Validate feelings, soothe, distract.

Not always easy.  

LucyStone

Rockym,

THANK YOU! I was wondering if that was ok. I seem to think she is thinking of her home with her parents. And so I will take your advice. Thank you again.

LucyStone

Thank you! So appreciate your words, RescueMom!

LucyStone

King Boo,

Thank you. I am going to remember that!

kmasenact

I'm a Dementia Practitioner and train caregivers on how to take care of ALZ residents.  There is usually a reason behind why residents are asking to go home.

1.) They truly don't remember the facility is their home now

2.) Insecurity

3.) Depression

4.) Anxiety

I often use this article when I give my trainings.  It gives great insight as to why ALZ residents ask repeated questions and how to handle them:

How to Help in Alzheimer's When She Wants to Go Home (verywellhealth.com)

Carmella Lee

What a great concept! I will start doing this.

Carmella Lee

Great tips!

LucyStone

THANK YOU! I passed that along to my sisters.