Update on dysfunctional parents

Quilting brings calm

First let me say thank you to all the posters here who support me and give me great advice. I’ve taken it to heart and I’m working toward implementing it as best I can. 

Updates since my last post: 

I asked my step-dads doctor to please run some more tests on him to try to find a medical reason for his behavior. They finally referred him to a geriatric psychiatrist for suspicion of dementia.  I got a call from the hospital referral service afterwards  confirming that, but I have not gotten a call from the psychiatrists’ office.   I checked on  that today because it’s been two weeks and I need to call the hospital referral service myself but did not have time or the emotional strength needed for that. 

Mom had a blood pressure reading about 10 days ago  that resulted in paramedics being called. They didn’t want to take her to the hospital, and suggested it would come down on its own. I am assuming the ER was swamped with Covid patients. It did come down within an hour.  It was up in the first place because my parents were arguing again about my dad and his inappropriate behavior towards his sons girlfriend. 

The next day, the nurse at the AL asked moms’  doctor to order home health to come in.  She was hoping a counselor could be assigned to my mom. 

Friday Oct 1st I finally worked up the mental and emotional strength to go to the AL for the first time in two weeks.  The first visit since my step brother called me about my step dads behavior two weeks earlier, I had talked to mom on the phone daily but hadn’t been out there. my spouse accompanied me for moral support 

With my spouse there and for probably  the first time in the 57  years my parents have been married, I managed to tell my step dad that his behavior towards all women was inappropriate and to knock it off.  I named names of  relatives that had told me he was inappropriate.  I told him to quit ‘flirting’ with waitresses etc.  they don’t want the attention. He denied it all 

I told him that I was stressed out and tired of him arguing about paying some of  their bills out of the account that he transferred their money to two years ago. I was tired of him telling people  I was stealing their money.  I knew he attempted  to move the money again possibly resulting in a bad check for his health insurance premium.  He denied it all 

I explained how institutional Medicaid works in Illinois and that there was no need to attempt to hide money. Whichever one of them goes in a nursing home will go on Medicaid and the other will get to  keep the money since they are under the community spouse maximum cap.  

I explained again that splitting up, dividing the money, and living in two separate facilities would cause them to lose all their savings in two years because of the additional costs, etc. I told him I knew he’s been planning on buying a camper and putting it in his sons back yard. He denied it.

I told him I was tired of trying to handle finances and other issues without having his full POA( I have the medical one) and that I wanted him to go to a notary with me and sign the form. Explained what could  happen if he became incompetent without it signed. He grudgingly said he would if I promised not to move ‘his’ money..   I didn’t have the forms with me. 

Sunday  the home health nurse showed up at the AL.  An hour later mom could tell me about it. 6 hours later, mom only remembered some stranger showing up but couldn’t tell me anything about it, supposedly she suggested  marriage counseling. Mom also told me dad had decided not to sign the POA. 

So this morning I called the home health office. Who told me the nurse’s notes said mom did not want a divorce and dad did. My spouse and I went to the AL with two bills from today’s mail dad needed to pay,  and the POA forms.  When I walked in, the fraud division of their bank wanted him to confirm a preauthorization  of  a use of his debit card. This was to be done via an automated phone call.  He was trying to make mom handle it, which is  beyond her capability. So I dealt with it. No fraud, the debit card was being legitimately used out of the banks’ home state. 

 He grudgingly signed the checks for the two bills, said he would grant me POA authority only to talk to the insurance company about medical bills.  I said no.

Then I explained that I knew what he had said at the home health visit about a divorce,  he denied it and said he wanted to tell the nurse what for.  I explained the money situation again,  then I told him that if they split up, I could only help one of them afterwards.  

Oh. He also told me today that insects live inside his body, actual insects.  The LPN at the AL asked for an order for a urine analysis.  She thinks he needs a psych evaluation.  Oh, really? 

The actual home health nurse called later.  She feels both of them have dementia and she also had correctly determined he was an alcoholic.  He’s actually a ‘dry drunk’ now.  If there is a politically  correct term to describe someone who no longer drinks, but behaves exactly like he did when he drank, let me know. 

I’m working as best I can to try to step back as far as I can and not have her end up homeless and in a shelter.  She is not bad enough to go in a nursing home

Suzzin

Quilting, I am so sorry. I, too, have two parents with varying stages of AD and TBI and dementia. They have been married for 60 years and the cracks are SHOWING. I have POA but they fight, they kiss, they both try to get me to pay attention to them and get me on their side. I have had to consciously decide that I can't fix their marriage (and trying to do it would ruin my marriage and, honestly, my mental health) so when they get obnoxious I just...leave. Love you, gotta go, see you tomorrow! It's a shitty situation but there is NO SHAME in choosing yourself. Please forgive me for this somewhat inelegant analogy, but years ago we had an elderly sick cat and called the after-hours emergency vet to ask for extraordinary measures, and he said "you need to accept, you know how this story ends". I think we all know how this story ends for our parents, and the question is how much of ourselves, our spouses/partners, our kids, our lives we are willing to sacrifice when we know this horrible disease will take EVERYTHING from everyone it touches. There is a balance, I believe, but everyone's balance is personal. You can't fix this, can't solve it. Pick the parts you can manage, if they are in AL and you trust their caregivers then let them handle the stress and just be a daughter. Bring them dinner or coffee or ice cream, and try to create good memories. It's sometimes all you can do.