Buy the Bright Shiny Thing or face the verbal assaults?

Wilton

DH and I have been through this several times.  I used to give in, but now i'm paying for home aide, and stock market drop has made me feel less "rich."  He has no ability to use the things he wants, and they're not cheap.  But now I face his wrath when I give all kinds of logical reasons and options.  I've been advised to redirect, and I try, but that has been useless.   His brother has some limited success, and brother is generous with his time, so I'm not alone in the effort.   But I AM alone when brother goes home and the verbal abuse starts.  I give DH seroquel and Ativan regularly...extremely helpful.   I will consult with his psychiatrist for other options.   Ideas?  Advice?  Sympathy?   THANKS

Stuck in the middle

Sorry.  I don't have that particular problem, but I did when we were younger.  I guess you can say no, or say yes until you're broke and then say no.  You might as well grasp the nettle and say no now.

Rick4407

Hello Wilton.  My system is to also be enthusiastic "that's neat", and then say lets look at it on the way out.   I agree and then delay or defer and that seems to work for me.   Of course by the time we are on the way out there is no memory of the original item for my DW.  

On just about every request, go home for example I start with,  "I'm with you I really like to visit the farm, but we can't right now because the govt says no travel due to the virus."  I always start with agreement and then delay or offer some excuse that is beyond our capability.   Rick   

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Wilton

Thank you all for your wisdom....these are great ideas.  I appreciate your support.

LadyTexan

Greetings Wilton.

We have been through this many times. While I was still working, DH did a great deal of shopping online. He spent so much money on things he cannot/should not use, for example a nail gun. I tried to curb his shopping and it was an unhappy battle for both of us.

I retired early to care for DH. Our financial condition is very different now and the budget has NO wiggle room. DH still wants the bright shiny things. For example, when his birthday was approaching this past July, DH wanted a slot car track. It was around $300. For context, we could not afford $300. DH has apraxia and cannot operate the $10 remote control toy that I bought for his birthday last year. 

My approach: I validated his interest in slot cars. I said, 

• let's take a look at some on-line. 
• Gee that looks cool. 
• Hey. looks like there is a slot car club in San Antonio. Lets check it out in real life and see what its like.

Then DH started talking about a child hood memory of the slot car club in Galveston where he grew up. He remembered looking through the window and being enthralled. He wanted so badly to watch the races but there was an entry charge. He reminisced. It was a joy watching him have such a vivid childhood memory. He talked about it for a couple of days. Then his attention moved onto something else.

I listen to what DH wants. I validate his interest. I usually defer the purchase by saying let's do a little research. This can go on quite a while. Often he loses interest on his own. Sometimes I remind him about our budget but that usually results in an unhappy conversation for both of us. Bottom line: we can't afford any extras. But I try to avoid being the heavy when its possible. 

DH also wants a golf cart. He hasn't driven in more than 2 years. The docs say NO to the golf cart. Its been a delicate dance putting this off but I will keep putting it off and hope DH loses interest.

Best wishes to all for success in managing this challenge.

Cinsababe

At this point, I bite the bullet and take the abuse. My DH thinks up, draws up and plans a new extravagant house project every day and then wants to go buy the supplies. I used to delay, distract, etc to no avail. He is completely unable to actually do any of the work and we cannot afford another thing and have no where to store another tool, piece of wood, etc. So now I just say "no we are not doing that." He cusses me out, tells me he wishes he could shoot me, tells me I am an f#$ b#%$& and then goes and takes a nap. Meanwhile I take great care of him, cook great meals, entertain him, kiss him, hug him and we do it all over again the next day.   It is exhausting.

Rescue mom

I think Victoria hit it. You cannot use logic anymore. His brain cannot process it.

I rarely tell DH “no” or “you can’t…”; that makes him angry. Instead, I agree, or say OK, but in the meantime…” then distract, go off on a tangent. Maybe we can’t go somewhere he wants. I say OK we’ll go..when the weather changes, when the car is fixed, after we check for sales—and oh by the way….Like Lady Texan and others said. 

My DH wants to build something. Of course he can’t, but I’ll say OK, but your (tools) are broken/lost/borrowed, we need to get more. Or have them returned. Etc.

I never say no, but I can find a million reasons for delays, or “ok, later when…”. He may start same thing the next day. Rinse repeat.

Or, “Sure, I called the store and they are out of (whatever) and it’s on order.”  Or, OK, you know DSon/friend/neighbor  wants to help you with that, or work on one for himself, together. Let’s see when he’s around.” 

By the next day (or a few hours) he’s forgot what he wanted, and the rare times he remembers that, he does not remember the “reasons” I gave earlier. 

Paris20

Wilton, all I can provide is sympathy. Just this morning, I received a grocery order filled with giant sizes of almost everything. I had ordered regular size but was told they had none. Therefore, we had to repackage several items. My husband proceeded to separate some baby back ribs by taking out a huge knife, slicing away at the meat without a carving board. I realized afterwards that I didn’t handle the situation properly but I wanted to protect my beautiful granite countertop.

I screamed, “Stop! We need a cutting board.” With knife raised, he told me he needed no cutting board because he was a “professional.” I quickly slipped the cutting board underneath the meat. For the first time, I thought he might use the knife on me. He cursed and screamed at me but used the cutting board. I watched to make sure it went well.

As far as shiny objects go, my husband insisted on a fancy cell phone last year, when he was still able to use it. Since he dropped his phone constantly, and lost it frequently, we pay a monthly insurance charge. The phone now sits in a catch-all box but when the lease is up the phone will be gone. Like DH’s car keys, I will lie about where they are and will change the subject.

harshedbuzz

Wilton-

What is triggering the lust for shiny objects?

We had this a bit with my dad. Some of it was driven by the loss of autonomy around finances and driving- he was trying to assert some control. And some of it was just dickishness on his part because, for many, personality persists well into the disease process.

Early on, it was harder to redirect- especially for my mother who was subject to a different power dynamic. Sometimes, I would use the topic as a segue into a conversation about the object or more often about him as he liked to talk about himself. So a bid for a new computer might redirect into how he had the first dial-up connection in the neighborhood and was an early adopter. Or we might string him along using his favorite "they don't make 'em like they used to" conversation. 

Another critical tool in maintaining harmony around this sort of thing is to shut down whatever triggers this. If he's spending hours on amazon "shopping" maybe it's time to lose the computer. You could slip it in to airplane mode or change the wifi password. If he's seeing things on a specific TV channel, put parental controls in place to avoid access. If it's catalogs in the mail, get the mail before he does. 

HB

Buggsroo

My husband doesn’t demand shiny things but wants to go to the food store everyday. He also eats loads of ice cream. I was very new at this, so would load up diet ginger ale and gallons of ice cream and carry it home. Now I order it online, what a difference. Now I pay via his credit card and he gets all the food he wants. 

I bought him really warm socks meant for people who have poor circulation. He wanted more pairs of them, because they have to be washed often. I explained I had to work so I couldn’t do it right away. He lives very much in the moment. It really is like dealing with a demanding kid.