Advice - tell the truth or fib?

StillShirley

I am brand new to the discussion boards, though I have been struggling with my mother's disease for a few years now. 

Until last week, she was living on her own in a house she couldn't manage and was literally falling apart around her. I live a day's drive away, so I'm embarrassed to say I wasn't much help. However, with the help of my siblings, both of whom live much closer, we got my mom moved into a beautiful assisted living residence. This seems to have put her into a tailspin. SO many things I could talk about here, but one thing that I am struggling with is that she thinks that my dad, who died 13 years ago, has left her for another woman. I have been explaining that he died, but I have read that I should be letting her live her version of reality. This one just is heartbreaking though. Is it better to let her think my dad had an affair and deserted her or tell her the truth? 

I never thought I would be looking for advice like this, but I'm so glad I found this forum.

MN Chickadee

Can you find a way to neither confirm nor deny this belief? She won't remember you telling her that he died, you will have to just find a way through these conversations (over and over again.) The key is to try to read into what she is feeling, the emotions behind the false belief, validate her feelings, and redirect and distract. She is likely feeling alone and scared. Something along the lines of I know Dad still loves you, just like I do.  I will always be here for you, I will always take care of you. Distract to making plans for something fun in the future, or a sweet treat or activity. I often visit with tricks up my sleeve for distraction, such as a new magazine or stuffed animal or cookies. If she asks where he is maybe he is out of town for work or visiting a relative, we will see him soon. Rinse and repeat. I know it's so hard but she will eventually move on from this and forget about this belief. 

On another note, is the assisted living actually meeting her needs?  There is always an adjustment period that can vary, and a week is not long in that realm, but if this goes on you might evaluate whether it's the right level of care. Moving a PWD out of their home to a place that lacks the level of care they need could keep them in tailspin mode. Often ALs do not have the staff ratio or staff training to deal with dementia issues or appropriate activities they can keep up with, so the person's brain power is totally zapped just trying to get through the day and they remain in lost and scared mode. Whereas in memory care the structure and routine and training is there so after the initial adjustment period they can settle in. The high level of medical oversight and routine in MC can help hasten adjustment. Assisted Living is a broad term and means different things depending on the state's licensing definitions and even each company and location can vary. Hopefully it is a dementia specific or higher acuity AL. Just a thought. In my case, moving my mother to MC took about a month for her to start to settle in. It can be a lengthy process. 

harshedbuzz

This is a good topic to bring up with your siblings so you can be on the same page. 

Ideally, you don't want mom to think he's cheating- or- newly grieve his death. Perhaps a redirection or distraction is best. When dad believed my mother was divorcing him and had a new boyfriend, I could easily divert by assuring him that she loved only him and was totally devoted to him and why wouldn't she be? He was freakin' awesome. This script made him feel safe and loved. 

Some folks use plausible fiblets around a MIA LO who has died. We told my aunt her beloved husband, a Navy reservist, was on maneuvers or temporary active duty. We told my dad my late sister was putting in crazy hours at work and raising two little kids. Some might send dad hunting with friends, to the lake with his fishing buddies or on an extended business trip.

Hb

robinja

Shirley - we are dealing with this same issue with my mother, although my dad’s death is more recent - just this past January. (His death and subsequent crises sent her into a tailspin.) In the beginning we told her the truth (over and over) about Dad. She went to his funeral and does not remember it. Now it is tricky because sometimes you can tell that she knows he died but asks anyway. Other times she just asks where he is, and a little fib and a distraction seems to work. A couple of times she has voiced the same concern - that Dad has left her. That is so heartbreaking for me because it is so far from the truth - I imagine my dad’s only regret in dying is that he is no longer here to take care of her. I don’t know that we have come up with a good response to this - I have leaned toward reassuring her that it isn’t true and he’s just at work or something. One of my brothers explained to her that he died, and she was sad but it seemed better than him having left her. Still other times she asks whether she was ever married. I guess on the bright side, we can try out different responses without repercussions and see what works the best. I hope you can find a way to respond that gives her comfort.

Wilted Daughter

Hi StillShirley,

If telling her the truth does not change her reality what's the point. You will have to keep telling her the "truth". What harm will it do to her if she thinks your Dad left? Her reality and the truth are not aligned and correcting her will not change how her mind works. She may become emotional (sad, angry) but it's how her mind is working right now. Perhaps you can indulge her for a bit then redirect the conversation to something else. The mom of someone I know claims to see her dead husband at the window and said she saw him at the window when he was out of town. Sad but true.

It's like they are living out a play or TV drama series. They remember bits and pieces of stories from some source and attach these stories to their lives (living in a dream). 

StillShirley

Update: my mom seems to have come to the realization that my dad has passed, which is such a relief, because much like Robinja replied, my father would never have left my mother and was a devoted and loving husband. If he were still alive, I am very confident that my mother's dementia would be manageable and that they would be living a happy life together. 

But these are the cards that have been dealt, and every day is a new challenge, with new doubts, frustrations and questions about what is the right thing to do. 

These message boards are such a great reminder that I am not alone in this fight. I hope that some day, I will be able to impart words of wisdom that will help others who are struggling.

Thank you all