Advice needed about moving parents in with family

Kellymo

My 83yo mother with dementia and 88 yo father, physically challenged and in a w/c are at the point they need to move in with family. My mother was the primary caregiver for my father, cooking, med setup, cleaning, driving etc. That was before her memory declined to the point she repeats her self every few minutes and can no longer piece together the steps to cook something or even use the microwave. They've wanted to remain in their own home as long as possible however my father is now agreeable to moving as it is too stressful for him. However my mother isn't as ready but she will trust in his decision. My sister and her husband have graciously offered, they have a beautiful huge finished basement with lots of light and windows that will be dedicated to my parents. However, I know my mother will be angry at my sister for "making" her move. She won't remember she agreed. I'd love any advice on how to support my sister and her husband, how to support my parents to make this as smooth as possible. My mother can't drive anymore however she keeps saying after her eyes are better so she hasn't admitted to giving up driving.(This is one area we would step in and not allow for safety reasons) Do we have them take their car even though neither of them can drive it anymore? Do we sell their house right away or is it better to leave it sit for awhile? Ultimately it will be my father's and somewhat my mother's decision but if they are asking for advice I want to know what others have experienced. Any all "2-cents" are welcome!

harshedbuzz

Kellymo-

I have misgivings about basements being used as living/sleeping space unless there is an egress so simple to use that a man in a wheelchair and a woman with a diseased brain could escape in an emergency. Is this a walk-out basement? I have serious misgivings around a man who uses a wheelchair having his main living space in a basement. Is there a stairlift for him to use or an elevator?

Have you considered an CCRC? They might be able to both live in an apartment in assisted living for a time before mom's condition requires the level of care offered in a MCF. 

As for logistics, you and your sibs will need to physically mange the move. I wouldn't consult mom ahead of time, if she needs to move- I would make it happen and perhaps explain it with a fiblet around why she had to leave- perhaps this is a temporary move while the sewer line is replaced or the house is tented for termites. It's a good time to sell the house and use the proceeds for their care. Ideally the car can be sold and you create a fiblet about it being in the shop awaiting a part that's delayed because of COVID. 

Given dad's age, I would make sure you have a robust Plan B should he pass first.

HB

SusanB-dil

This is a generous and wonderful offer from your sister, but thinking same about the accessibility.  If the basement is not easily accessible, such as one that has an opening to outdoors, could it be modified at least a bit?

My folks did go to an assisted living condo.  similar situation - dad not as mobile, and mom couldn't do things herself any longer, but is fully mobile.  But the AL condo worked for a while, and now mom is with brother upon loss of my dad. 

Would be great if the basement area works out. Sounds like almost ideal - but I have to agree on looking at any safety issue in case of emergency.

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MN Chickadee

This sounds like possibly a scenario where it SEEMS logical that the home of a loved one is best but it may not be. Your sister will become the caretaker of not one but two people with substantial needs. Not knowing all the ins and outs, I would just say think carefully whether your sister can actually give them what they need. Both will be a full time job before long. Mom's dementia will likely mean she will need just as much assistance soon with toileting, personal care, staying busy and out of trouble.  It could be that assisted living, retirement complex, or some nature of nursing facility could better meet their needs - door alarms for wandering, nursing care and medical oversight, some services on site such as PT, OT, exercise, lab work and physicians, podiatry, hair salon, activities for them to do without needing to drive or go anywhere, socialization in a building that is fully accessible for dad. There are many options and models for care these days. At least in my area there are a few places that provide memory care services with wander guards and staff trained in dementia and also would be appropriate for someone who does not have cognitive issues but has physical ones. Either together in the same room or at minimum same complex. Putting two people with such disabilities in a finished basement doesn't totally add up to me.

M1

Kellymo I had the same thoughts about the basement, many times even though PWD have their "own space," shadowing is a real problem--they will want to be where the rest of the family is, so the separation may not work.  Your mom might end up upstairs most of the time, leaving your dad in the wheelchair unattended and unable to be with everyone else.

I've also seen it suggested that before your sister commits to this, she go spend a week or so with them in their home--that way she'll get a feel for what the ongoing, day to day issues are likely to be.  

Stuck in the middle

I could not do what your sister is offering to do.  I think your parents need professional care.  In the basement, they are in a situation in which someone has to be home 24/7/365.  Does your sister really want to forget restaurants, walks with her husband, etc. for the next several years?

I would sell the car now, and sell the house as soon as they are out of it.  This is a great time to sell houses and cars, and neither are improved by sitting idle.

DawnOfANewDay

It is hard to move someone with dementia.  I don't think I would want to move them into your sister's house only to have to move her again s her needs increase.  That would be really stressful to your mom.  I think that your sister will  quickly find that both of them require more care then one person is able to provide.

In a perfect world you'd be able to move them into an assisted living that has continuing care so as their needs change they would remain in the same place.

If your family is able to have carers come in and take care of both of them, then could work.  It is terribly expensive and can be more then assisted living/memory care.  It also lacks the social interactions that may be beneficial to both of them.  

Ultimately, it comes down to what you guys think is best.  I hope that you have lots of other siblings that can help.  What seems doable in the begining quickly becomes more and more exhausting and increasingly more difficult.