When do you stop pointing out to someone their memory issues

Kellymo

When someone is starting to become forgetful I think it's natural to point it out to them. For example, "I just told you that yesterday". When dementia is involved when do you stop mentioning it? Not that I'm mentioning it to be rude like my teenager often does with me but to try and convince my LO it's time to stop driving or for them to accept extra help. Thoughts appreciated.

M1

Welcome to the forum Kellymo. Yes, you stop. It doesn't register with most (look up anosognosia) and just adds to frustration. 

The driving thing is very hard, there's no convincing most folks with dementia because they are beyond rational arguments. You'll just have to do it,by hiding the keys or whatever it takes. There are many threads in the archives on these topics.

Good luck, glad you found us. Good folks here.

harshedbuzz

Oof. The time to stop mentioning memory issues is as soon as you have gotten a dementia diagnosis. Executive function skills that are needed to follow a reasoned argument are impaired early in the disease process; rule one of Dementia Fight Club is that one doesn't try to reason with a cognitively impaired person. 

Cobbling onto M1's excellent advice, do read up on anosognosia. Many PWD are unable to know that they have suffered a cognitive shift and trying to convince them otherwise will feel like gaslighting which will interfere with you being an effective caregiver, ally and advocate for them.

This piece might be useful for you to read-

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

Regarding driving. You need to take whatever steps necessary to prevent driving. Ideally a doctor takes this bullet for you and you can validate disappointment/outrage while making sure the individual WD is not operating a car. Once there's a dementia diagnosis in the medical record, there is a possibility that insurance won't cover an accident or that they might lose assets needed for care in a law suit. Sometimes it's best to just disappear the car if you have the POA so to do. 

The driving issue is discussed a lot. There is a Solutions tab at the top of this page that has suggestions for this and other common topics in caregiving. 

Alzheimers (alzconnected.org)

Good luck-
HB

Cynbar

This is a tremendous hump to get over, and all of us who are caregivers have been through it. The rules have changed. As mentioned above, reasoning and reminding are not going to work and will only make both of you angry and frustrated. Your LO isn't doing this deliberately, their brain is broken. You are going to have to develop a whole new way of doing things. Learn to change the subject, deflect, redirect. Yes, it will mean answering the same questions over and over, trying to be calm and cheerful through it all. You will have to be the decision maker now, and when something is a safety issue like driving, you'll have to think of a way to make it stop. But you can no longer expect your LO to understand or process rational arguments --- it's just not going to happen.

Mon411

This is a very helpful response. For the most part I'm able to deflect and change the subject, or try to reassure that everyone is safe and where they're supposed to be. I do struggle with getting my mother to shower, she truly believes she has showered, as she truly believes she goes to work every day. I have to confess, after multiple times of telling her she needs a shower and her refusal, she's just not up for it now, she needs a nap, or a glass of wine first, then she will, I get very frustrated and end up saying things like, you always say that but you never do, or worse, I know you think you have but you don't remember things. Thankfully, I don't do that very often, and it seems she forgets it pretty quickly, but if you have any ideas on how I can get her in the shower it would be appreciated. I worry about her physical health. This dementia became extremely pronounced after contracting a uti, suddenly she wasn't the person she was.

PickledCondiment

Adding to all the other excellent posts - you just ✋.  Your LO isn't going to understand, you'll save them and yourself by accepting the rules of behavior are changing and will continue to change.  Learning how to 'creatively' frame the issue (ok, lying) has been a great help to me.  I've resolved to make life as easy as I can for all parties. 

Please check in and post often, we're all here to support one another.

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Lindsay22

This was a very hard habit for me to break but I did! As you said, at first your reaction is to say "we talked about this" and "of course you know how to get the mail!" and then when you reach what I call the "goldfish" stage where conversational memory sometimes lasts under 15 seconds it can become VERY frustrating.  I'm an impatient person and there were times I was downright mean to my mom before I really understood and took in that I was talking to a person with brain damage and needed to adjust my expectations.  Stop pointing it out but there are some things that might help in the earlier stages.  For awhile we used a dry erase marker board to help with our "to do" list for the day.  We wrote down what we needed to do and crossed things off. When she asked for the 20th time if we checked the mail I could say "have a look at your list" and then she would see that it was already done.  We still had to check the marker board 20 times but she believed the marker board more than she believed me! This also worked for awhile with showering and cleaning up. "let's look at the board, we haven't done a shower yet, let's get that out of the way" etc. 

It's a changing world with what works and what doesn't but this board is a great resource as each stage comes as the folks here have (sadly) been through it all. 

Stuck in the middle

I think it is a matter of simple courtesy.  If she asks me whether we've had lunch yet, I tell her again as if it's the first time I've answered that question today.  And I ask if she's hungry.

If we were talking about driving or operating any other power tools, that's a different matter.