DW wants to go home

Mark S

So we've been married over 55 years and lived in the same house for over 40.  DW's father passed away about 40 years ago.  DW, diagnosed with alzheimer's,  continually morns her dad even though she knows he is in heaven and she wants to go see him.  DW wants to go home.  She gets mad about it and has walked out of our house to go home.  DW thinks her dad built our house, but she and I did.  I let her think her Dad did, tell her its a nice house and we live here,  DW thinks she is going to die in the next couple days because her dad and mom have both passed.  It's not working, any ideas how to make DW happy?

M1

Hi Mark, welcome the forum.  There are several other recent threads about people continually wanting to "go home," not recognizing that they are home.  Also dealing with deaths of loved ones-even remote--is a common issue (I am dealing with it with my partner's sister who died 10 months ago; my partner continually mourns it like it happened yesterday).  

As for making her happy--not to be too blunt, but likely not going to happen.  We have the same issues.  She's unhappy because of the disease, and there's not much you can do to fix it.  We try to divert, change the subject, tell white lies when needed. But this also comes up frequently--we all wish we could fix the problems for our loved ones with dementia, but it just isn't possible most of the time.  So:  perhaps the issue needs to be reframed?  You can't make her happy.  Can you divert?  Can you distract?  Can you just accept that she's not going to be content, but assure that she's going to be safe and taken care of?

Wish there were easier answers.  Others will chime in, too; there are lots of good and experienced caregivers here.  You've found a good place for support, I promise you.  I couldn't manage without it.

Mark S

DW does have good and bad days and with good days she is happier.  I guess my real question is what's a good white lie to use to quelch her ongoing desire to go home so she might have a good day.

I tried telling her she can't go home because it's being remodeled.  That was to much for her to comprehend. Any other ideas?

Joe C.

Mark, I usually tell DW something like I’ll take her home this afternoon or tomorrow or when it stops raining. Since she has no short term memory, I just repeat the same delay tactics. As far as making her happy I have success with cheering her up using music.

Paris20

During the past month or two, my husband has had more and more trouble identifying where he is. He has thought we were at his mother’s house, my mother’s house, a hotel near home and even a hotel in Paris. Just yesterday we were at our auto dealership for a recall of our car. When we left, DH asked me why I brought the car to a different place, why I didn’t wait to go locally. I tried to convince him where we were by pointing out places we’ve seen for 50 years. At home I have pointed to familiar objects and photos in our home, where we’ve lived for over 40 years. 

I’ve read about this common misperception and what it represents. My husband hasn’t become upset about not being home but I’ve heard that the symptom can lead to a great deal of fear and anxiety. Of course, maybe the anxiety came first and is expressed by a desire to return to whatever home represents.

JoseyWales

We have "sunuppers" at our house. Every morning when DH wakes up he wants to go home, he wants to see his mom (passed 5 years ago) or wants me to call the police. Anxiety is sky high. He has medication that helps with this in the morning, but it takes about 30 minutes to kick in. In the meantime I say it's too early to visit, we'll go as soon as I take care of the dog, your parents are on vacation so we'll see them tomorrow... etc.

It's just not pretty when it keeps going all day. Right now he's worked up, and he had his pill 40 minutes ago. I'm just trying to stay out of the way.

Ed1937

Hi Mark. Welcome to the forum. Sorry  you have a need to be here.

There are several different thoughts about what it really means when they want to go home. It could be they are looking for their home when they were kids. Another is that they don't recognize their home, and they miss the home where they are familiar with it. Yet another is that they are not looking for a building at all, but they are looking for a place in time when things were better.

One thing that can work for all of the above, is that you'll go tomorrow. That might calm them until next time, when you again will go tomorrow. 

You can also get on youtube to search for videos by "Careblazers" or Teepa Snow. Both are very good, and can give you different ways of handling it.

Mark S

Thanks all for the good comments. Going home tommorw worked. Music works too. You tube music videos are great. Elvis sings on the tv and I binge watch Netflix. 

I've become chopped liver, now she wants to see our son. Im sure DW thinks he can make everything better.

Cantrip

Oh God. I’m so sorry to hear this. I can relate to your chopped liver. Every time my mum asks to go home it’s like a barb to my heart. All day long.

Good luck friend.

Ed1937

This thread is almost 2 years old, and the original poster doesn't seem to be on the site any longer,

toolbeltexpert

I was talking with a charge nurse last week. There was a music group that came and they sang a song about "going home", They had to tell the band not to play that again as that afternoon everybody in the memory care unit was want I ng to go home