Eating out questions and concerns

AASH

Hi! I am looking for some advice. As a family we often eat out my mom has not been able to cook without help for awhile and this is easier for us. My mom often gets very frustrated at restaurants. She will often even yell at staff if she doesn’t like anything. My mom has always been a very aggressive in her life but it has only gotten worse. Any advise on how to sooth the situation without making it worse???

M1

Aash this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but it might be time to think about not taking her. The environment of a restaurant may be overwhelming to her as her dementia progresses. Just like you wouldn't take a toddler, you may not be able to keep this up with her. 

Maybe someone else will be able to come up with some more interim strategies.

Mint

It is very difficult to take my mom anywhere due to aggressiveness and personality changes.  

Maybe you could do carry out, with you picking up.  Then go to a park if nice out, to someone’s house if not.

harshedbuzz

It sounds as if that cruise has sailed.

My dad formerly loved going out- he was quite the party animal. But somewhere in the middle stages dining out became unpleasant for him and those around him. 

The answer to this is cooking for her, getting take-out or finding prepared meals that can be heated at home. This probably isn't what you want to hear. 

The reasons for this are the usual ones seen in dementia-

1. Sundowning. It seems the majority of PWD become dysregulated in the late afternoon/evening. This leads to perseverative behavior and sometimes aggression. If you must take a PWD to a restaurant, breakfast or lunch is better.

2. Lack of empathy. Most people with dementia are unable to put the wants of others ahead of their own. They live in the minute; if it's time to leave in their mind, it's time to leave. He would lose patience with others taking time to decide what they wanted. And he was rude or inappropriate to waitstaff. For PWD, it's generally all about them. 

3. The menu. Choices aren't a thing most PWD can make at some point and can lead to agitation. Long before dad couldn't read, he would shove the menu at me and bark something along the lines of order me something.  

4. Sensory issues. I found dad developed sensory issues as he progressed in the disease. He was unsettled by background noise, upset by cool temperatures or breeze from ventilation and his tastes had morphed into preferring sweets and junkier foods. 

That said, if your mom is aggressive or agitated as her baseline, it's time to get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist for medication management. Dad's geripsych was the most important person on his medical team. He was able to prescribe a cocktail of psychoactive meds that dialed back the anxiety and underlying mental health stuff (common to alcoholics). This meant dad was more amenable to validation and redirection as caregiving strategies and allowed him to live at home with my mother much longer. 

HB

Cynbar

I also had to stop taking my DH to restaurants, especially for dinner. Evenings are tough anyway, he sundowns and gets agitated easily when he is tired at the end of the day. But everything about restaurants became difficult for him ---- the noise, the unfamiliar people, the different set-up, the wait for his food to arrive. He also would make rude or inappropriate comments to the waitstaff or even other diners. It became too much for all of us, and he definitely wasn't enjoying it. I know you were looking for encouragement and solutions, but I don't think they exist. There is absolutely no way to reason with a person with dementia, they can't process it any more. Plus, other issues are going to come up that will make it difficult to be in a restaurant, like incontinence and messy eating and even poor hygiene. This problem is going to get worse, not better --- dementia is a progressive disease, it always gets worse.  I'm sorry to tell you that your family is going to have to come up with another plan for dinner.

Michael Ellenbogen

I like to go on off times like 2 PM. I also ask them to place me in the quietest area in the restaurant so I am not bothered by noise. I asl insure I have a jacket incase I am cold. Those things helps a lot. I stay away from extremely noisy places as they can really get me worked up.  I love to go out to eat. I also need help in what I no longer like. I also need help to make my selections. 

Rescue mom

What Cynbar said is spot on, HBuzz too. We ate out a lot, before DH (my husband) Alzheimer’s. He loved going out. But then he acted badly, or was upset and agitated,  over any noise or activity around him. So we had to stop. 

For 2-3 months?, it was indeed better if we went at odd, slow times. But even our own servers, or others setting up, or  how his food was served, etc. were an issue for him. Menus were impossible, I could order for him for a while, but then he didn’t like that. He was unhappy at best, and soon became worse about showing it, which made others unhappy. We just had to stop going.

You can do take-out, or call ahead and pick up food to take home. Other options are food delivery services, grocery deli and prepared food counter, or sharing the food prep among yourselves.

If I could have figured out Any way to make restaurants work, believe me, I would have. But you can’t reason with them or soothe them into it, past a certain point.