Taking care of selfish older sibling

Charlie2011

I wonder if my situation might be more rare in that it’s my older sister who has dementia and I’m the youngest. She never married or had children and our brother won’t take her in, so I’m it. Me and my husband, that is. I’ve read some people’s comments on here about how their loved one has fairly severe memory issues but doesn’t have bad behaviors. I wish that was our situation but she is the same selfish, ungrateful person she always was just more so now. She has fairly mild memory loss and some personality change but mostly a severe loss of reasoning ability. She also has obsessions. Doing everything possible to keep this from destroying my marriage or/and career. Trying not to think about how she would have never done the same for me.

Mint

I am in this position.  It is my mom though.  She can no longer keep her check book but memory not a huge issue. 

 My mom has obsessions too.  This has went on for at least fifteen years.  You cannot reason with her at all.  I have to take care of her checking account and bills.  She cooks very little and it is the same things over and over.   I do bring her food at times to give her some variety.  Interestingly she tries to tell me and others how  to cook.  

Refused medical treatment following her stroke.  Asked a man to marry her she did not know twice. Could write a book about my mom’s personality change and behaviors.

  I lived with her for 15 years.  My three sibling still living cannot deal with her so that has left me.   Started causing me to have some health issues.  Ended up letting her stay in my home and I bought myself another one.  I would suggest if it is possible that you think about finding her a small apartment if possible.   It will still provide you with stress but you get away from it.  Has been very helpful.

 She calls me quite a bit.  When my uncle died recently and I went out of town for a day she got major anxiety that day because I was gone.  So even though she won’t be cooperative with me often, realize she depends on me being there.

The only problem I see with this is if she would bother the neighbors and management would ask her to move.  That is one reason I’m glad my mom is in a home I own.  She does bother the neighbors but no one can make me move her out.  For me my house payment is affordable.  Way cheaper to have her there than assisted living.  I would not be able to afford that.  That is another issue.  She has wasted so much money she could not afford it either.  She has no understanding of this.

Hope you find some way to work this out.

loveskitties

Going to be blunt here so stop now if you don't want to hear it.

Save your marriage, career and yourself.  

Contact your local counsel on aging and let them know you can no longer care for her.  They will do an assessment and determine what services are needed and she should very easily qualify for Medicaid if as you say she has lost all her money and major possessions.

You as a sibling do not have the financial responsibility to care for her.

How you feel in your heart is another story.

MN Chickadee

Has she had a full work up and neuropsychology assessment for diagnosis? Often memory loss comes early for Alzheimers but for other dementias it can be later and instead changes in personality or judgement come first, or even other things like loss of language. There are many forms of dementia, and some drugs that are used for Alz make symptoms worse for other dementias so a proper diagnosis is needed. Sometimes our loved ones need pharmacological interventions to deal with extreme behaviors. Sometimes that's the best for their quality of life and the people around them. A geriatric psychiatrist is often the best professional to assess extreme paranoia, anger, anxiety, and/or aggression and tinker with meds to manage it. Especially if there were mental health issues before dementia, then I would definitely want an actual psychiatrist on board. 

I would consult an attorney who works in elder law. You can have the attorney examine her finances and plan for financing care. Even if you do not see placing her in memory care today it is extremely important to have a back up plan, have places chosen, the financial planning done, and be ready to act on plan b. You never know when something will change dsuddenly with dementia, it happens all the time so be ready. It is not your responsibility to have her in your home. Some people do it - sometimes they have an easy going PWD and/or an excellent relationship going into it, or much more extended family to pitch in or plenty of financial resources to hire care to come in and respite. But it isn't for everyone and you should definitely err on the side of protecting your own health, career, and relationships. Don't let dementia take two people down.

Rescue mom

My DH (husband) loss of empathy—the lack of any concern or notice for others’ feelings, illness or circumstances—was big, and before his memory loss.

 He was the most caring, sharing person in the world, and that vanished so fast. I learned later that happens with Alzheimer’s. There’s been a lot written here about how PWDs no longer notice/care, about us being sick, or things we do  for them. The disease does that with people who were not that way before. At least I can remember that my DH was not that way when he was healthy.

He also had/has obsessions with things. They change often. If the “thing” starts causing a problem, I get rid of it when he’s not looking. He won’t  remember. “Out of sight, out of mind”.

Others already said my other concerns/advice. You have a long hard road ahead. I don’t know anyone who has handled caregiving 24/7 at home and worked at a job, without a lot of help.

Charlie2011

Thank you for all the comments. I have had her evaluated - had to pay privately for it because no one would take her insurance or else would have made us wait for months for her to be seen.  I got APS involved early on because she was getting scammed left and right. Then I got DSHS involved and was able to establish Medicaid for her. But so far, no place near us will take her and we’ve gotten little help from her DSHS case manager to find a placement. She was rated “B-low” and places won’t take her based on that and also because of no formal diagnosis. She’s always had inappropriate responses to stress - slamming doors and yelling when she is confronted or can’t have her way - like a literal 2 year old. She was a professional , has two advanced degrees but all through her life could not manage money. I had told her several times during her younger years to see a psychiatrist but she would always refuse, saying she didn’t think anything was wrong with her. So here we paid for this private psych evaluation and first thing they said was they think she has had undiagnosed Aspergers. Suddenly, a lot made sense. She literally has a tantrum if she experiences any feelings of shame or is confronted for wrongdoing, never taking responsibility for her own actions throughout her life. I have thought about trying to buy a home and offering someone free room and board as part of the compensation to keep watch over things but everything is so astronomically expensive right now. It all just makes my blood boil. Just like that one commenter said, at least no one could kick her out if she acted like an a**, which she undoubtedly would. Then we’d be back to square one on finding her a placement. Her behavior will get her kicked out of any place she goes. One obsession is her dog. She can’t take care of him properly anymore but insists she will go nowhere without him and no Medicaid place will take him. And no court would find her so incompetent to take away her rights and put her in a locked facility. Today she calmed down and was reasonable but it won’t last long. Thank you Thank you for all your comments. They were all helpful to read.