Look at Yourself

Lynne D

I filmed my husband having a meltdown before going into a rage, with the intent to show his neurologist to get drugs to help. I watched it when things had settled down and saw the following:

He was clearly expressing his loss of function, which I missed.

He clearly missed two things he had forgotten on a trip (his phone and wallet). I missed that these items were like a security blanket for him.

I calmly explained things to him, when he could not understand or accept.

I did not empathize or offer physical comfort.

It was very instructive to see myself and my actions in a different way, and I am a better caregiver for it.

RobertsBrown

That is a fantastic piece of insight.  I will absolutely take it to heart, and Thank You!

caberr

Thank you for this post!

sandwichone123

What an awesome post, and a great tool to add to the toolbox. I would never have thought of this!

jfkoc

It is so easy not to "see" what part we play in the distress. Great post!

storycrafter

Helpful insight and very useful self honesty. 

I especially resonate right now with your observation about missing his expression of loss of function. At this moment I'm really "getting it" that's what's happening when my husband "loses it." He gets very frustrated and cannot handle the various data coming at him, doesn't have the where-with-all in the present to process self awareness; lashes out at me verbally. He's working very hard at what he CAN do, gets overwhelmed, and it's exhausting for him.

This helps me let go of taking anything personally and gives me compassion and understanding. I'm fortunate my husband is able to respond well to my behavior when I stay calm and am supportive and kind. Easier to say than do sometimes.

Being able to step back, and giving yourself time to observe the interaction was a wonderful learning opportunity. Thanks for sharing it with us!

C0387

I totally agree! I just watched a series of what to and what not to do when our LO is agitated. Listening was the first step, second was to respond in a calm, non- condescending voice, and to distract or comfort–whatever the situation requires. Of course, this is all easier said than done. As you said, it is hard in the heat of the moment. Just having ammo though, and an idea of what "I" should be shooting for in myself was helpful though. I hope to become better at this!

Cherjer

Hi Lynn...for some reason I  did not understand what you did with your DH...you videod his meltdown and your reaction, right? and how you responded...I think I need a little bit more info...my DH had a meltdown a week ago and refused to go downstairs (from our family room upstairs...finally got him to go to bedroom but at the expensive of having little visitors observing this..ned your help on this issue

LadyTexan

Thank you so much for your honesty and your insight! I am now looking at myself and responding with compassion. It makes a HUGE difference!

Doityourselfer

I honestly do not know what goes through my husband's mind when he gets highly agitated. His actions are so unpredictable.   I try to stay as calm as possible when he goes into his rages and separate myself until he calms down.  I always try distraction but that often doesn't work well.  He is in his own awful world.  I'm grateful he isn't in pain.  I just see myself as his caregiver and it's very unfortunate that he has this nightmare of a disease.

AENJIG

Super helpful post. Grew up with an angry father and have an angry husband, and he is getting angrier as the disease progresses. Very hard to deal with someone who is angry so often and usually directs it at me. I am working hard to figure out how to be in the line of fire and stay calm, but it's not easy. Thanks for any insight you've got!