Extreme guilt and anxiety

Jamaicabound

My DH has declined in the last few days. My son is taking me to my first Ravens football game tonight for my birthday.  This is something that has been on my bucket list but I had always thought we would go as a family, which of course cannot happen. I am so torn and feeling guilty about leaving him to go do something fun. My other two sons will be here with him. I have been nowhere for almost six months (not complaining just trying to justify to myself) but this still does not feel right. What if something happens while I'm gone.

What should I do?

ColetteMomko

I feel for you as guilt is a huge part of my experience as someone who doesn't live near their family member with Alzheimer's.

I feel like you will feel guilt regardless because it seems you aren't already building in time for yourself as part of your routine with your husband. My sense is you need to start somewhere so it's probably good to go, but before you do, think through a plan that will help you feel better about it. Maybe (and while I do have a MSSW, I am not an expert or a professional resource for this sort of thing) :

1. Establish an emergency plan with your two sons. What things should trigger this plan and how will they get a hold of you? Who else should they call? Is there back up care available if something should happen? Are your sons clear on what is a stake and the responsibility they are taking on?

2. Set a specific time to check in with them mid-game and set an alarm on your phone. That way you can relax and watch the game without constantly checking if it's time to call home. 

3. I would exercise before going to release some endorphins and bring your stress down so you have a better chance of enjoying yourself.

4. Forgive yourself if you feel anxious during the game, remind yourself this is really good practice in setting aside time for you, which I imagine will be a key element to be a sustainable caregiver long term. 

Good luck!

PickledCondiment

From your post you have an excellent backup plan in place as the other sons will be with your DH. They will obviously keep you posted on what's happening in your absence. 

While I understand the guilt, some focus on yourself (going to the game) is healthy and necessary to keep your mental and physical health.  Go, enjoy yourself and make some new, happy memories.      

SusanB-dil

first - Happy Birthday.   and - you need some time for you. 

second - i totally agree with ColleteMomko.

Do those steps and go for it!  Do enjoy the game and try to get your mind off the caregiving responsibilities, even for a little while.  (i know, easier said than done) With setting that time for the contact, and knowing they can reach you, and DH is in good hands, you may still worry a little, but hope you have a nice birthday, and may even be refreshed a bit.

Cynbar

Absolutely go to the game and try to relax. Everyone needs a break now and then, and I think it's wonderful that your sons are all working together to make this outing possible. I'm sure your sons can handle your DH for a few hours, and it will make them more empathetic about what you are doing everyday. Just because your DH is ill doesn't mean your life should be over, and it sounds like they want to do this for you.  I hope you have a great time tonight!!

Arrowhead

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You are doing everything in your power for him, but you need to do things for yourself also. You have two other people to take care of him. It will be good for them to learn first hand just how hard your job as caregiver is. You will probably still feel anxiety but you have nothing to feel guilty for.