It has been left up to me

Zaellan

Here is the situation.  There are a couple of people in this...

1. My mother
2. My sister (visits, takes mother to appointments)
3. Me (primary caregiver)

Recently my mother has been acting erratically, see hallucinations, has delusions and is threatening to go to her "real home".  She walked out of the house and started a walk "to clear her mind", recently.  This morning she started to pack up to go home (something common, I understand).  She got upset when I said she couldn't go..she also gets mean and defiant.

  Every morning she wakes up and forgets where she is, the last memory she is has a year and a half ago.  Also, in the afternoon she has a forgetting spell and gets extremely agitated with the answers I give her.  It always leaves her treating me like a caretaker and not her daughter.

She has been on the patch for a couple years, lightest dose (I don't think its effect anymore), we are in the process of getting a stronger dose.   She said this morning she wanted to be put in a home (because she couldn't take not remembering).  I tried to reassure her but it didn't go that well. 

She can (as far as I know), still bathe and toilet herself.  I haven't watched her, but have seen no evidence that she can't, she also still get dressed unassisted. Might wear the same thing, 2 days in a row.

My sister has researched a memory place and is going to the doctor to get it signed off on.  She is leaving it up to me whether we place her there or not.  I don't think that is fair.  She said that it is my judgement because I'm the only one that knows if I can still handle it or not. Then in the next breathe she says that she doesn't think our mom is bad enough for commitment, since she can still do the things above.  She makes it sound like it will be my weakness that will lead to the commitment.  She asks if I'm freaking out, what person does that?

My question is..to those have been there does it sound like the above is bad enough for placement?  I know everyone is an individual, I've taken that into account.   I need other opinions that aren't as judgmental. I'm already judging myself.  Should I wait until the new patch and other meds are adjusted and give that a chance? I will have to do that 

More info than you guys wanted but there it is.  I'm interested in what you have to say.

loveskitties

You don't mention having any in home help with caring for your mother.  If you don't, you cannot possibly watch over her 24/7.  Leaving the home unaccompanied (wandering) is a big issue.  You don't say if you actually live with your mother, if not, then she needs someone to be there to keep her from harm or in a care facility.

Having the medication dosage adjusted may help with some of what you are seeing, but not all of it and no guarantee for how long.

Take your sister's "judgement of your abilities" out of the equation.  Consider what is best for your mother's safety and well being.  Too many family members are at odds over the care of a LO and how it should be done and by whom.

Do you have the legal paperwork in place...DPOA, medical POA?  If so, then the decision making should go to the one named with no guilt associated.

It is difficult to separate interpersonal feelings (between you and your sister) from the care your mother needs, but you have to do it for your mother's benefit.

RanchersWife

If money isn’t a consideration, I can’t think of a better time to place her. She wants to go and could adjust really well. You will definitely be the daughter again. You will also become her advocate. 

We’ve reached the stage where changing my loved one’s environment would be catastrophic for her. We moved her to be with us 3.5 years ago and she adjusted well. Looking back, we could have placed her successfully before the pandemic. She would have been able to walk the halls and say hi to people. She could have been alone in her room without hunting for a person. I’m glad we didn’t though. She’s no longer safe alone so she would have to be in a nursing home now. 

Zaellan

Thank you for your response. I do not have help with taking care of her, she lives with me. My sister has power of attorney for my mother. I will take what you said into account.

ladyzetta

Weakness or not, you need to do what's best for your Mom. I had to place my DH and yes it was due to my weakness if that's what you want to call it. I did what was best for him, what ever decision you make will be the best for your Mom.  

You are right it is not fair for your sister to put this all on you. Ask her to stay with your Mom for a week and then listen to what she has to say. In my case I am not a caregiver I did the best I could and when I knew he needed more care, I wanted the best for him so I placed and he got the best care possible. You take care of yourself. You Matter.  

Cynbar

 https://www.wcvb.com/article/missing-woman-randolph-found-dead/37929047

I think wandering is more serious and dangerous than many people realize. This is a story of a lady with dementia near me who wandered off and ended up dead. You say you don't have any help --- one person cannot watch her and guarantee her safety 24/7. I think it's time to consider placement, especially since she has said she wants to go. There will be good care, socialization, activities, and safeguards. 

PS-- I never seem to have any luck posting links on this site, but you get the idea. She wandered off and was found a couple days later in a swamp near her home. Don't let this happen to you.

Carmella Lee

24/7 care is what your mother needs. We need to do what is best, but it is not easy and does come with some level of uncertainty. My mother who has recently been diagnosed with early stages of dementia has wild mood swings from one day to the next. She’s had other health issues and has been in and out of the hospital all this year. The last time which was late August she called 911 and went to the hospital. She spent several days there and accused the nurses and doctors of poisoning her food. She ripped out her IVs and she took a swing at the doctor. The next day she was as sweet as could be. This disease is tricky. Move forward with placement because it only gets worse from here. Although nothing is impossible with God.

DawnOfANewDay

 What it comes down to is what you want to do.  Are you willing and able to continue with your mom's care?  It is okay to say that you can no longer do it.  It is NOT a one person job.  Your sister is expressing her opinion based on not being the primary care provider, but she is giving you an option for placement.   You should not feel guilt of any kind.  You have taken care of your mom until this point.  I don't think she is intentionally trying to guilt you into keeping your mom at home,  I think she is just trying to talk it through.  I do understand your guilt.  No matter how much I do, it always feel like it is never "enough."

I am not willing and able to care for my mom on a full-time basis.  My sister and I come up with a plan around what we are each able to do.  My sister now lives with her.  I take her out and visit a few times a week, doctor's appt, finances, etc.

I offer on a weekly basis to look for daycare or full-time care.  I don't expect anything of my sister.  I am grateful that her care has allowed my mom to stay in her house these last two years.  It is up to her to decide when it becomes too much.  I am here to support her and be there for the day when she says it's time to look into other options.  Then, together, we will make a placement.